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resigning from Christmas

After roughly 2 1/2 months of increasing work hours and stamina and endurance...
Yes people on PR know how this story ends...
Spent the last week sleeping all day and night.
I am not complaining - I don't feel badly actually- just zero energy-- it feels like some kind of healing is happening, she says hopefully.

It's exciting that I've felt the energy to be excited about things lately, before this last week. I just don't have the energy to DO the things I get excited about.

So, I got excited about cooking holiday buffet meal, I invited family, I found recipes that were a mix of easy and SIBO and vegetarian friendly... and now I have to resign from the whole project.

I got excited about a tree, and then felt badly about buying one cut down for the purpose, but we have kittens now and kittens do enjoy a christmas tree, so week before last when I could still drive I stopped at a stand and bought a "live" tree which is a cedar which supposedly "we" by which I mean my husband can plant after it is done being a christmas tree, but actually it is just sitting in on its root ball outside the house looking kind of pathetic. Hard to hang things off droopy arms.

I don't even feel badly about any of it. No energy for that!

I was pretty depressed this week when I got my new cortisol test back and I am in "stage 3 HPA axis dysfunction." Poor body! No am cortisol. No wonder going to work has been so hard. No wonder my regular morning bird self has not been showing up.

So now I have my cortef prescription and progesterone prescription, all things I previously would have balked at. No energy for balking anymore.

Also, in case anyone is interested, I'm on week 3 of artimisin (3 days on, 4 days off)....which wins the new I Can't Believe Something Can Cost So Much and Yet Taste So Awful award. Quit lauricidin and doing this instead, to try and confuse the little buggers. Last week I felt like the die off reaction really kicked in so we'll see if that happens this week.

I did have to admit to myself out loud that there is a possibility that I won't be able to keep my job. I've been at 15-20 hrs/week which feels like the minimum and even at that, it might be too much. So much ego and identity wrapped up in being an employed person in a job I really like. Right now I'm trying to stay gentle with that idea and neither freak out about it nor attach too strongly too it, just let it breathe as a possibility. Easy enough since things slow down over holidays and since I can't even SHOWER until 7 pm this week.

Although, my insurance covers nutritional counseling, which I think would be really helpful with the SIBO diet transition. Although it appears that
Nutritionists w SIBO experience = cash pay only no insurance
Nutritionists who take insurance= No SIBO experience

Also, my insurance, while I still have it, covers a few sessions of regular old counseling too, and that might be really helpful as I

try to accept that I appear to have an invisible set of chronic or at least very stubborn conditions
that mainstream medicine doesn't recognize
that are debilitating
that are not resolving quickly
that have unknown outcomes on unknowable timeframes

Did I mention that my husband is an ultra marathoner and that my son, a mountain climber and backcountry skier? And that running and backcountry used to be part of my identity, a part I've had to shed. I'm mostly over pangs when I see runners now. Now that my occupation is Kitten Furniture.


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