Ever since I have dreaded February.
I wanted SO BADLY to just stumble onto the THING that would flip the switch BACK and make all this go away.
Yep, there is not that thing, not that I haven't tried a zillion of them. Still trying.
This year for the first time I've been noticing a feeling of lightness, tenderness, and ... gratitude .
Gratitude? For my life being destroyed?!
Ha! Well, I don't think that way anymore.
Now I think,
1. There are no guarantees, and people who think their "life" that they are so attached to is going to continue on in the way its going now are DELUSIONAL, bless their active little butts. (Somebody has to keep society running and these days it isn't me.)
2. Of course our lives are all destroyed, that is what life is.
3. I was living in dreamland anyway, pushing too hard and not paying attention to multiple signals that something was up.
4. My body is trying so hard to find balance and ease, that's what bodies do. Thank goodness!
Someone I know told me that her naturopath told HER that.... Of course our bodies are all out of whack! We are part of this earth and she is stressed mightily. We are not separate from every pressure that is on this planet's food web, carbon cycle, climate. How could we be?
Some folks can keep chugging along for a while and some of us, because of quirks of biochemistry or genetics or life experience/societal insanity or all of the above plus just random whole the hell knows why-ness... get out of kilter more easily.
At the time I thought HA I would not work with that practitioner because it sounds like giving up, but I think of that often now.
Anyway, the specifics.
- Still kind of stuck at about 20 hours/week of ability to work, but it feels like 40 or 50 to me. But hey, 20 hours of work is a lot!
- Able to do gentle short bits of exercise when I don't have mystery illness (mild headache, body aches, fatigue) which is soooo frequently
- I GOT MY TENNIS SHOES OUT OF THE BASEMENT sometime in the last 6 months... I never thought I would put them on again. For walking, not running, but still.
- I can still do little interval walks WHEN I can walk, sometimes.
- Yesterday I was able to go out with Mr. and prune the little fruit trees together (after him messing them up for 5 years on his own.) He did the pruning, but I was able to stand up and focus long enough to tell him where rofl:) (I mean, one of us has taken pruning classes and one hasn't.)
- This is a big change since last year. Brain fog has reduced enough that I can knit. That's about all I can do, but what a relief to be able to make something at least! I'm really only good with hats, bigger projects are a bad idea, but hey, it's a creative outlet and people need hats. I used to dance, run, make books, make paper mâché masks, garden, hike, play music... all of that is going into HATS.
-Still (some things never change) treating SIBO.
What the hell is up with that? Why is it recurring? Dunno. I'm clear on the mold tests and that's supposedly why most people have recurrent SIBO.
- Hey my ND wants me to try red algae for the SIBO because it REDUCES METHANE IN COWS.
And I'm going along with it! I'm at that Who The Hell Knows point.
At least I'm taking the human formulation of red algae not the veterinary dose.
- I'm still at the "moderate" oxalate diet situation. The ND thinks oxalate is primarily a gut imbalance issue and can improve. The oxalate people don't think it actually gets better. One person I correspond with even tried fecal transplant to restore oxalate bacteria, did tests and everything to check levels, there was a short term improvement but it was not sustained.
I do notice a painful response to anything but a teensy amount of chocolate, not a histamine response but OW IT HURTS TO WALK kind of deal, so... maybe oxalate is a thing for me. Which means chocolate is no longer a thing! I did decide walking was more important.
- Sulfur tolerance is much better! That much can be fixable in certain situations. In my case, ND had me take molybdenum for 6 weeks. I love it when there is a biochem fix.
- Castor oil packs as per ND. Do those work? No idea. But the cats LOVE me prone on the bed with a heating pad!!
They know to come running and pile on
- Lymphatic drainage (self-massage). Massage therapist showed me how but I'm sure You Tube knows how also.
- Breathwork when I remember.
For those so inclined... I just found out that Plum Village (community that Thich Nhat Hanh founded) has an APP. It has a wealth of guided meditations including body gratitude type stuff. I used to practice (non-guided) meditation regularly, went to the zen center and everything, but lately (last 5 years) it has seemed so hard to be present with a body that hurts. I find that guided meditations really help.
Back to the birthday. I feel like I should have a small private ritual on the actual date. Somehow mark it. Surviving 5 years is a big deal.
And having virtual community here on PR is a big part of what has made that possible.
We may never meet. We are meeting here. Thank you to everyone who has read this blog and commented. It makes me feel so much less alone. We are here together. Big hug, my friends.