Mental, not Physical: It's All in My Head

I'm starting to feel a little defeated. I am taking hits from every angle. And I am only able to hold it together because of the people here. You're it.

WARNING: I am about to rant and rail. I would expect most of you have dealt with similar obstacles. I am not unique. Still, I wish to share. Perhaps doing so will help someone else, or maybe even me.

Joy of Joys

Finally, I talked to my long standing therapist today (very non-private video session with staff constantly in and out of my room.. roommates television loudly tuned to "Texas Walker Ranger" .. which is a horrible 80s show featuring Bruce Lee). And during this session my therapist reaffirmed his belief that there's nothing physically wrong with me.

Yes, I was already experiencing wide ranging difficulties heading into our session.. and that was just about the very last thing I needed to hear.

Seriously. That happened. And then he said I just need to start exercising.. a constant refrain. And then something about me just needing to want it badly enough. He said losing my wife was my fault.. saying I did this to myself (the "illness"), implying I wasn't motivated enough to make the effort to get out of bed (an opinion shared by his colleagues). And yes, he's always thought this, but it's really bothering me right now, because…

My big sister and brother-in-law also believe the same thing, insisting I take the medications the psychiatrists are pushing.

And then my good friend (over the phone last night) gently hits on the same thing.. "Is it possible this is all in your head?"

Yes, of course, sure… I've ALWAYS entertained this possibility. I would willingly accept ANY accurate diagnosis of any kind. My ego? My pride? Not a problem. Neither is applicable.

I lay in bed all day. I am now rather physically ugly, undesirable, and until last week, hadn't showered in six years. I'm alone after having been left behind by my only love. I no longer recognize or relate to my estranged son. And again, few believe there's really anything wrong with me.

So maybe everybody is right. And if they are, I could no longer live with myself. I would have ruined my life, as well as disrupted all the other lives around me.. those who used to love me and care about me.. due to my being a veritable headcase!

So what the hell is going on here? It feels like an intervention? All these unrelated others seem to be conspiring against me all at once. Perhaps I do have delusional disorder!

New threats, that's what we need. Who the hell doesn't love the excitement and drama generated by New Threats?

Cut me off? Lock me up? Just do it already! By all means, teach Howard more valuable lessons. Throughout my entire life, everybody has been wanting to teach me lessons, because I do not naturally comply. I fight. I fight back. I've always been fighting to maintain my authentic self. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, OR THE WAY I AM!!!!!

So, what am I supposed to be doing here and now? Someone please answer me. I don't want to die, just to prove a point. Answer the question, either way. What do I need to do? I am caught amidst a whirling blur of confusion.

My muscles are full of tension, constant tightness (and now, always aching, because I cannot sleep here). And the only time when this tension is relieved is when I am meditating, being mindful, sleeping, or sexually aroused. So, do these factors indicate that the "illness" is all in my head? Why can't anybody fucking tell me? Please just tell me if I did this to myself. Am I the one to blame? Am I?

Although no one here truly "knows" me, the person I portray through my writing is the actual 100% authentic Howard. I leave it all out on the table.If I did not do this, my words would be meaningless. I hide little to nothing (except when I feel as though it may hurt one, or offend the many).

Within months, years, or decades, each of us will cease to exist. And through these struggles I've come to believe that nothing much matters… besides our ability to relate and positively impact others (and/or ease human suffering).

So in this instance, perhaps you, or some eventual somebody, will find value in these words. My intention is true. But my aim is unclear.

Fear not!

NOTE: the questions above are not meant to be directly addressed by each or any of you.. it's just me letting my frustrations bleed through - :)

NOTE 2: I am in the most physical pain I've been in since illness onset. Body wide, my muscles ache and burn.

Edit: comes and goes in recent days, no big deal .. tolerable - emotional gravity and/or stress


I think we have to be careful on advice in this instance because what worked for us could possibly make Howard much worse.

If he gets worse, they really will do to him what they like.

At least now, with his mind clear and intact, he has the ability to fight this.

We have to let him trust his own intuition.
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Hi Howard....I was just reminded of this recent publication and wanted to make sure your aware of it....
Very good. Something to give to everyone who is doing an "intervention" :cautious:
on you.

Also the top of that article mentions Four Peaks Healthcare in Flagstaff.

An internet search shows me that isn't very close to where you are.

Plus, they don't do GP services but maybe if you call them, they would know of a GP in your area who is sympathetic to ME; someone who would do virtual visits hopefully.

(928) 773-9714

They might also have suggestions on how to deal with your current situation.

It's probably a long shot but it might not hurt just to call. ???
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I think we have to be careful on advice in this instance because what worked for us could possibly make Howard much worse.
TOTALLY agree, and it's really important for @Howard 's well-being to remember how differently we all react to even relatively benign assists like vits, supps, and herbs, and how often we've commented on that in these threads ....

Our reactions to heavy-duty psychotropic crap will be wildly different, based in part on the various subsets of this illness, and in part on each of our unique genetic coding ....

The people who are working him over right now have no interest in what's best for him, or what might work to make him better. They're laser-focused on protecting themselves and covering their @sses for the abysmally bad treatment he's rceeived there, to the point of not being able to provide him with reeliable sustenance, let alone reasonable medical appts.

A patient with a history of psychiatric medications, particlarly strong ones, is a pre-impeached witness and will have little to no weight in court,. assuming he can find an atty who'll take on his case ....

It's shameful, as are most things related to industries catering to the vulnerable, from pre-K schools to hospice care ....
If he gets worse, they really will do to him what they like.
ABSOLUTELY .... and with no one there to protct his interests right now, it would be like giving a signed, blank check to a con man ....
Hi @christiankatz. I'm on a pretty low dose of lyrica once daily in the p.m. I agree that gabapentin does work as an antidepressant also, definitely helps with pain, that burning, deep awful pain and I should be taking lyrica twice/day but I have a lot of meds at the moment, so it was decided to cut back on lyrica.

So, I'm with you on giving gabapentin an OK. I had no trouble getting off it, my mind was REALLY cloudy for about 3 mos. when I first started, but then one day I was able to bend over and clean up a pile of shoes. I shocked myself, but was elated.

@Howard, write down what the doctors tell you b/c you may forget while adjusting. You may have to go for therapy & especially group therapy. That's OK as you become "friends" with many of these people....but yes, there's always that ONE. I thought my psychiatrist didn't care at all, but boy did I dial a wrong number. She was a great champion and I saw her after I left for a very few times. So you never know. A therapist (not psychiatrist) runs the group sessions at least that's what I've found.

To help with the cognition, I turned to my old standby, books, books and more books. Magazines that are say business oriented are also good for helping to take your mind off things and go to sleep. Nothing too exciting or my brain won't calm down. I also take something for anxiety...absolutely no sleeping pills, but b/c of severe allergies I may take take Nyquil every few nights, take it later than my other drugs, about 45 min. - 1 hr. before sleep. I won't have anything implanted in my, especially when it will only last for close to a year anyway. I expect that will get better with time and I'll assess it then. I hope you're feeling sounds it. I'm glad. Yours, Lenora.
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Hi Howard....I was just reminded of this recent publication and wanted to make sure your aware of it....

on the SEVERE ME patient and how to deal with them......right up your alley.
Thanks @Rufous McKinney......this is an excellent overall picture of a severely ill ME patient and should be required reading by all involved physicians, patients and caregivers.

It's also worth noting that gentle PT should be used....forget the extreme tactics. The aim is to help the patient, not make them more incapacitated. A very good article that especially bad ME patients should always have available. Yours, L.

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