I'm starting to feel a little defeated. I am taking hits from every angle. And I am only able to hold it together because of the people here. You're it.
WARNING: I am about to rant and rail. I would expect most of you have dealt with similar obstacles. I am not unique. Still, I wish to share. Perhaps doing so will help someone else, or maybe even me.
Joy of Joys
Finally, I talked to my long standing therapist today (very non-private video session with staff constantly in and out of my room.. roommates television loudly tuned to "Texas Walker Ranger" .. which is a horrible 80s show featuring Bruce Lee). And during this session my therapist reaffirmed his belief that there's nothing physically wrong with me.
Yes, I was already experiencing wide ranging difficulties heading into our session.. and that was just about the very last thing I needed to hear.
Seriously. That happened. And then he said I just need to start exercising.. a constant refrain. And then something about me just needing to want it badly enough. He said losing my wife was my fault.. saying I did this to myself (the "illness"), implying I wasn't motivated enough to make the effort to get out of bed (an opinion shared by his colleagues). And yes, he's always thought this, but it's really bothering me right now, because…
My big sister and brother-in-law also believe the same thing, insisting I take the medications the psychiatrists are pushing.
And then my good friend (over the phone last night) gently hits on the same thing.. "Is it possible this is all in your head?"
Yes, of course, sure… I've ALWAYS entertained this possibility. I would willingly accept ANY accurate diagnosis of any kind. My ego? My pride? Not a problem. Neither is applicable.
I lay in bed all day. I am now rather physically ugly, undesirable, and until last week, hadn't showered in six years. I'm alone after having been left behind by my only love. I no longer recognize or relate to my estranged son. And again, few believe there's really anything wrong with me.
So maybe everybody is right. And if they are, I could no longer live with myself. I would have ruined my life, as well as disrupted all the other lives around me.. those who used to love me and care about me.. due to my being a veritable headcase!
So what the hell is going on here? It feels like an intervention? All these unrelated others seem to be conspiring against me all at once. Perhaps I do have delusional disorder!
New threats, that's what we need. Who the hell doesn't love the excitement and drama generated by New Threats?
Cut me off? Lock me up? Just do it already! By all means, teach Howard more valuable lessons. Throughout my entire life, everybody has been wanting to teach me lessons, because I do not naturally comply. I fight. I fight back. I've always been fighting to maintain my authentic self. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, OR THE WAY I AM!!!!!
So, what am I supposed to be doing here and now? Someone please answer me. I don't want to die, just to prove a point. Answer the question, either way. What do I need to do? I am caught amidst a whirling blur of confusion.
My muscles are full of tension, constant tightness (and now, always aching, because I cannot sleep here). And the only time when this tension is relieved is when I am meditating, being mindful, sleeping, or sexually aroused. So, do these factors indicate that the "illness" is all in my head? Why can't anybody fucking tell me? Please just tell me if I did this to myself. Am I the one to blame? Am I?
Although no one here truly "knows" me, the person I portray through my writing is the actual 100% authentic Howard. I leave it all out on the table.If I did not do this, my words would be meaningless. I hide little to nothing (except when I feel as though it may hurt one, or offend the many).
Within months, years, or decades, each of us will cease to exist. And through these struggles I've come to believe that nothing much matters… besides our ability to relate and positively impact others (and/or ease human suffering).
So in this instance, perhaps you, or some eventual somebody, will find value in these words. My intention is true. But my aim is unclear.
Fear not!
Howard
NOTE: the questions above are not meant to be directly addressed by each or any of you.. it's just me letting my frustrations bleed through -
NOTE 2: I am in the most physical pain I've been in since illness onset. Body wide, my muscles ache and burn.
Edit: comes and goes in recent days, no big deal .. tolerable - emotional gravity and/or stress
WARNING: I am about to rant and rail. I would expect most of you have dealt with similar obstacles. I am not unique. Still, I wish to share. Perhaps doing so will help someone else, or maybe even me.
Joy of Joys
Finally, I talked to my long standing therapist today (very non-private video session with staff constantly in and out of my room.. roommates television loudly tuned to "Texas Walker Ranger" .. which is a horrible 80s show featuring Bruce Lee). And during this session my therapist reaffirmed his belief that there's nothing physically wrong with me.
Yes, I was already experiencing wide ranging difficulties heading into our session.. and that was just about the very last thing I needed to hear.
Seriously. That happened. And then he said I just need to start exercising.. a constant refrain. And then something about me just needing to want it badly enough. He said losing my wife was my fault.. saying I did this to myself (the "illness"), implying I wasn't motivated enough to make the effort to get out of bed (an opinion shared by his colleagues). And yes, he's always thought this, but it's really bothering me right now, because…
My big sister and brother-in-law also believe the same thing, insisting I take the medications the psychiatrists are pushing.
And then my good friend (over the phone last night) gently hits on the same thing.. "Is it possible this is all in your head?"
Yes, of course, sure… I've ALWAYS entertained this possibility. I would willingly accept ANY accurate diagnosis of any kind. My ego? My pride? Not a problem. Neither is applicable.
I lay in bed all day. I am now rather physically ugly, undesirable, and until last week, hadn't showered in six years. I'm alone after having been left behind by my only love. I no longer recognize or relate to my estranged son. And again, few believe there's really anything wrong with me.
So maybe everybody is right. And if they are, I could no longer live with myself. I would have ruined my life, as well as disrupted all the other lives around me.. those who used to love me and care about me.. due to my being a veritable headcase!
So what the hell is going on here? It feels like an intervention? All these unrelated others seem to be conspiring against me all at once. Perhaps I do have delusional disorder!
New threats, that's what we need. Who the hell doesn't love the excitement and drama generated by New Threats?
Cut me off? Lock me up? Just do it already! By all means, teach Howard more valuable lessons. Throughout my entire life, everybody has been wanting to teach me lessons, because I do not naturally comply. I fight. I fight back. I've always been fighting to maintain my authentic self. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, OR THE WAY I AM!!!!!
So, what am I supposed to be doing here and now? Someone please answer me. I don't want to die, just to prove a point. Answer the question, either way. What do I need to do? I am caught amidst a whirling blur of confusion.
My muscles are full of tension, constant tightness (and now, always aching, because I cannot sleep here). And the only time when this tension is relieved is when I am meditating, being mindful, sleeping, or sexually aroused. So, do these factors indicate that the "illness" is all in my head? Why can't anybody fucking tell me? Please just tell me if I did this to myself. Am I the one to blame? Am I?
Although no one here truly "knows" me, the person I portray through my writing is the actual 100% authentic Howard. I leave it all out on the table.If I did not do this, my words would be meaningless. I hide little to nothing (except when I feel as though it may hurt one, or offend the many).
Within months, years, or decades, each of us will cease to exist. And through these struggles I've come to believe that nothing much matters… besides our ability to relate and positively impact others (and/or ease human suffering).
So in this instance, perhaps you, or some eventual somebody, will find value in these words. My intention is true. But my aim is unclear.
Fear not!
Howard
NOTE: the questions above are not meant to be directly addressed by each or any of you.. it's just me letting my frustrations bleed through -
NOTE 2: I am in the most physical pain I've been in since illness onset. Body wide, my muscles ache and burn.
Edit: comes and goes in recent days, no big deal .. tolerable - emotional gravity and/or stress
