Whatcha You Want
This was originally going to be a simple direct response to Lenora's request (that I list out any of the things I need or require). Her kindness (as well as everybody else's) is very much appreciated.
To start off… I am pleased by the offers to assist. To me, it's an indication that I am doing something right, or maybe even, living properly. I'm not offended, it's just that I rarely take up any offers unless I am not having particular needs met (food and shelter). Being provided anything else beyond that is a bonus (or even sometimes, a burden).
Every decision to "ask'' is unnecessarily grueling for me. But each of you knows this already. And in asking for Wall Decorations, I was (in essence) admitting to myself that I may well be providing value to you... my having put words to virtual paper in such a way (during these recent years). And then with you reading and processing my content… I felt somewhat more comfortable asking (you may also blame Nurse Felicia, haha!).
Mainly, I felt the Wall Effort would help me feel more connected, as that's kind of my thing now… my desire to feel connected to other human beings. I want to experience other people.
Specifically (as asked by Lenora in the previous comment thread )
Some answers for you:
- Are you able to read magazines?
Nope. Holding, grasping, and turning pages is tiring.
- What type of shorts can you wear? One pair just isn't going to cut it, especially if they're on your body at all times.
The problem with any clothing items is that they don't come back once they've left the room (laundry). I like the pair I have now, so I'll be wearing these every single solitary day for the rest of my life.
Note: I only wear them outdoors
They do tell me that as my clothes disappear again (and again) they will find new ones for me. Plus, the person with whom I used to be involved with is going to drop off a few clothing items this weekend (jacket, hat, boots) so I can better tolerate the winter cold.
- What do you need? ... like?
I really don't NEED anything. But I may allow my roommate to buy me a new (cheap for him) $45 tablet today (Black Friday). Yes, I CAN live without it. And I feel guilty asking. But I'll eventually miss making and listening to music (since my tablet is officially dead). So yeah, I shall give in on that one…
Note: my new friend Brandon offered to give me a fully functional laptop, but I wouldn't be able to physically operate it all that easily -
Anyway, my sister's have already purchased applesauce/probiotics for me. But I just can't keep doing this. Asking. I am not providing any value in return (to them, or for them specifically).
I appreciate your kind words, as well as offering. I eventually plan on moving elsewhere (pending disability approval), so the fewer possessions, the better. Really, I can be in bed pretty much anywhere across the country, and not have any visitors. So, in my mind, someplace quiet (with a view) would suffice. Or it could be loud, crowded, and near particular doctors/specialists… one's that could possibly help me get out of bed someday.
I've been "needing" for six years running. But I cannot envision myself as "wanting" any time soon. Although, I seem to want others to want me (or want me around), so perhaps that's it. Not things, people. I want to be acknowledged, validated, occasionally appreciated, and eventually loved.
And thanks Lenora, you often get me thinking/processing. It's a relief not having to ask myself all of the questions all of the time. I'm not rejecting your offer, I am choosing an alternate option… for now.
Give it a month, and we'll see what happens next. I'm always reassessing.
Or.... I'm not shutting the door, I am simply opening a window
Addendum: if someone has technology to eliminate all sound and light, I will GLADLY accept ANY gift(s) that does so!!!! IT IS SOOOO DAMN LOUD IN HEAR... my nervous system is collapsing unto itself ..
Tube Feeds Me
I am fed. And I am being fed. On-time. With a smile.
Other Tubes
I have 4 hours worth of CT scans this afternoon. Please. Cross your fingers, legs, eyebrows… for me. Heck, if the medical transport even shows up, total victory shall be declared.
But really, this scanning event is no big deal, as long as I have a good ride-along companion. And perhaps it would be best if the CT Technologists are socially engaging.
So you see, I am "wanting" things. Just not actual things.
I've Enjoyed
I probably shouldn't be having this kind of fun, but I am. It's really nothing, but it's everything. And this isn't going to go anywhere, because it has no place to go.
Still, someone who works here likes me. And it's kind of neat. And innocent. And not all that obvious to others, I do not suspect. But I discussed this "liking" with someone else over the phone today, and it's agreed that I am hereby allowed to be liked.
Really, it's this super slow gradual building of tension.. with neither person openly acknowledging. Fun stuff.
Again, it's not really a thing, and never shall it be, but I like being liked. And years ago, I used to be liked in this manner and fashion every now and again (and you probably, too).
Did I appreciate it, that kind of attention back then? Yes. But never did I ever think it would happen again.
And yes, this person has seen the physical me. I'm partially baffled. But also thankful, enjoying the experience, while it lasts.
Awake with Me
It's 4:42am. I slept from midnight until 1:07am. That's when they began tending to my roommate, lights blaring/voices mumbling, until 1:39am. Lights back off at 2:03am. Fell back asleep… pillows, blanket, sheet over my head. Ear muffs tightly affixed… until now.
So, nearly 4 hours of sleep. Wow! Hooray! In the past two weeks I've been averaging an inhumane 3.7 hours, so perhaps I'll reap the rewards today. Seriously, if not sleeping, I NEED some dedicated reaping.
Eh. I can rest plenty when I am dead. Right?
And now Jeff just turned the lights back on. Because…. Why not? Heck. Give us MORE purposeless light bulbs, people!
Search Me
And I'm not exactly sure why this is, but they had three nurses in our room yesterday (variously and interchangeably) lifting up and looking underneath my sheet.. apparently, trying to determine who in our room was utilizing a urinary assistance device (hint: it's not me)
Yes. I knew it wasn't me, but they didn't seem to believe.
"Are you sure!?" Nurse Austin asks.
Of course, in the late afternoon it's 64° in this room, with the A/C going full bore. And yeah, with it being downright frigid in here… ummm
Anyway, I don't at all mind the random genital inspections. Almost any attention is good attention (besides the dedicated attention previously offered by the psychiatry department). Anyway, THEY are the ones who are uncomfortably searching me. So most probably, it seems, they need to fix their charts.
Vital Checks are in a few minutes, so I may try for a brief napping experience between the check and breakfast being served.
Take care (as I patiently await additional Wall Decoration arrivals),
Howard
This was originally going to be a simple direct response to Lenora's request (that I list out any of the things I need or require). Her kindness (as well as everybody else's) is very much appreciated.
To start off… I am pleased by the offers to assist. To me, it's an indication that I am doing something right, or maybe even, living properly. I'm not offended, it's just that I rarely take up any offers unless I am not having particular needs met (food and shelter). Being provided anything else beyond that is a bonus (or even sometimes, a burden).
Every decision to "ask'' is unnecessarily grueling for me. But each of you knows this already. And in asking for Wall Decorations, I was (in essence) admitting to myself that I may well be providing value to you... my having put words to virtual paper in such a way (during these recent years). And then with you reading and processing my content… I felt somewhat more comfortable asking (you may also blame Nurse Felicia, haha!).
Mainly, I felt the Wall Effort would help me feel more connected, as that's kind of my thing now… my desire to feel connected to other human beings. I want to experience other people.
Specifically (as asked by Lenora in the previous comment thread )
Some answers for you:
- Are you able to read magazines?
Nope. Holding, grasping, and turning pages is tiring.
- What type of shorts can you wear? One pair just isn't going to cut it, especially if they're on your body at all times.
The problem with any clothing items is that they don't come back once they've left the room (laundry). I like the pair I have now, so I'll be wearing these every single solitary day for the rest of my life.
Note: I only wear them outdoors
They do tell me that as my clothes disappear again (and again) they will find new ones for me. Plus, the person with whom I used to be involved with is going to drop off a few clothing items this weekend (jacket, hat, boots) so I can better tolerate the winter cold.
- What do you need? ... like?
I really don't NEED anything. But I may allow my roommate to buy me a new (cheap for him) $45 tablet today (Black Friday). Yes, I CAN live without it. And I feel guilty asking. But I'll eventually miss making and listening to music (since my tablet is officially dead). So yeah, I shall give in on that one…
Note: my new friend Brandon offered to give me a fully functional laptop, but I wouldn't be able to physically operate it all that easily -
Anyway, my sister's have already purchased applesauce/probiotics for me. But I just can't keep doing this. Asking. I am not providing any value in return (to them, or for them specifically).
I appreciate your kind words, as well as offering. I eventually plan on moving elsewhere (pending disability approval), so the fewer possessions, the better. Really, I can be in bed pretty much anywhere across the country, and not have any visitors. So, in my mind, someplace quiet (with a view) would suffice. Or it could be loud, crowded, and near particular doctors/specialists… one's that could possibly help me get out of bed someday.
I've been "needing" for six years running. But I cannot envision myself as "wanting" any time soon. Although, I seem to want others to want me (or want me around), so perhaps that's it. Not things, people. I want to be acknowledged, validated, occasionally appreciated, and eventually loved.
And thanks Lenora, you often get me thinking/processing. It's a relief not having to ask myself all of the questions all of the time. I'm not rejecting your offer, I am choosing an alternate option… for now.
Give it a month, and we'll see what happens next. I'm always reassessing.
Or.... I'm not shutting the door, I am simply opening a window
Addendum: if someone has technology to eliminate all sound and light, I will GLADLY accept ANY gift(s) that does so!!!! IT IS SOOOO DAMN LOUD IN HEAR... my nervous system is collapsing unto itself ..
Tube Feeds Me
I am fed. And I am being fed. On-time. With a smile.
Other Tubes
I have 4 hours worth of CT scans this afternoon. Please. Cross your fingers, legs, eyebrows… for me. Heck, if the medical transport even shows up, total victory shall be declared.
But really, this scanning event is no big deal, as long as I have a good ride-along companion. And perhaps it would be best if the CT Technologists are socially engaging.
So you see, I am "wanting" things. Just not actual things.
I've Enjoyed
I probably shouldn't be having this kind of fun, but I am. It's really nothing, but it's everything. And this isn't going to go anywhere, because it has no place to go.
Still, someone who works here likes me. And it's kind of neat. And innocent. And not all that obvious to others, I do not suspect. But I discussed this "liking" with someone else over the phone today, and it's agreed that I am hereby allowed to be liked.
Really, it's this super slow gradual building of tension.. with neither person openly acknowledging. Fun stuff.
Again, it's not really a thing, and never shall it be, but I like being liked. And years ago, I used to be liked in this manner and fashion every now and again (and you probably, too).
Did I appreciate it, that kind of attention back then? Yes. But never did I ever think it would happen again.
And yes, this person has seen the physical me. I'm partially baffled. But also thankful, enjoying the experience, while it lasts.
Awake with Me
It's 4:42am. I slept from midnight until 1:07am. That's when they began tending to my roommate, lights blaring/voices mumbling, until 1:39am. Lights back off at 2:03am. Fell back asleep… pillows, blanket, sheet over my head. Ear muffs tightly affixed… until now.
So, nearly 4 hours of sleep. Wow! Hooray! In the past two weeks I've been averaging an inhumane 3.7 hours, so perhaps I'll reap the rewards today. Seriously, if not sleeping, I NEED some dedicated reaping.
Eh. I can rest plenty when I am dead. Right?
And now Jeff just turned the lights back on. Because…. Why not? Heck. Give us MORE purposeless light bulbs, people!
Search Me
And I'm not exactly sure why this is, but they had three nurses in our room yesterday (variously and interchangeably) lifting up and looking underneath my sheet.. apparently, trying to determine who in our room was utilizing a urinary assistance device (hint: it's not me)
Yes. I knew it wasn't me, but they didn't seem to believe.
"Are you sure!?" Nurse Austin asks.
Of course, in the late afternoon it's 64° in this room, with the A/C going full bore. And yeah, with it being downright frigid in here… ummm
Anyway, I don't at all mind the random genital inspections. Almost any attention is good attention (besides the dedicated attention previously offered by the psychiatry department). Anyway, THEY are the ones who are uncomfortably searching me. So most probably, it seems, they need to fix their charts.
Vital Checks are in a few minutes, so I may try for a brief napping experience between the check and breakfast being served.
Take care (as I patiently await additional Wall Decoration arrivals),
Howard