Getting, Receiving, and Believing Things

Whatcha You Want

This was originally going to be a simple direct response to Lenora's request (that I list out any of the things I need or require). Her kindness (as well as everybody else's) is very much appreciated.

To start off… I am pleased by the offers to assist. To me, it's an indication that I am doing something right, or maybe even, living properly. I'm not offended, it's just that I rarely take up any offers unless I am not having particular needs met (food and shelter). Being provided anything else beyond that is a bonus (or even sometimes, a burden).

Every decision to "ask'' is unnecessarily grueling for me. But each of you knows this already. And in asking for Wall Decorations, I was (in essence) admitting to myself that I may well be providing value to you... my having put words to virtual paper in such a way (during these recent years). And then with you reading and processing my content… I felt somewhat more comfortable asking (you may also blame Nurse Felicia, haha!).

Mainly, I felt the Wall Effort would help me feel more connected, as that's kind of my thing now… my desire to feel connected to other human beings. I want to experience other people.

Specifically (as asked by Lenora in the previous comment thread :))

Some answers for you:

- Are you able to read magazines?

Nope. Holding, grasping, and turning pages is tiring.

- What type of shorts can you wear? One pair just isn't going to cut it, especially if they're on your body at all times.

The problem with any clothing items is that they don't come back once they've left the room (laundry). I like the pair I have now, so I'll be wearing these every single solitary day for the rest of my life. :)

Note: I only wear them outdoors

They do tell me that as my clothes disappear again (and again) they will find new ones for me. Plus, the person with whom I used to be involved with is going to drop off a few clothing items this weekend (jacket, hat, boots) so I can better tolerate the winter cold.

- What do you need? ... like?

I really don't NEED anything. But I may allow my roommate to buy me a new (cheap for him) $45 tablet today (Black Friday). Yes, I CAN live without it. And I feel guilty asking. But I'll eventually miss making and listening to music (since my tablet is officially dead). So yeah, I shall give in on that one…

Note: my new friend Brandon offered to give me a fully functional laptop, but I wouldn't be able to physically operate it all that easily -

Anyway, my sister's have already purchased applesauce/probiotics for me. But I just can't keep doing this. Asking. I am not providing any value in return (to them, or for them specifically).

I appreciate your kind words, as well as offering. I eventually plan on moving elsewhere (pending disability approval), so the fewer possessions, the better. Really, I can be in bed pretty much anywhere across the country, and not have any visitors. So, in my mind, someplace quiet (with a view) would suffice. Or it could be loud, crowded, and near particular doctors/specialists… one's that could possibly help me get out of bed someday.

I've been "needing" for six years running. But I cannot envision myself as "wanting" any time soon. Although, I seem to want others to want me (or want me around), so perhaps that's it. Not things, people. I want to be acknowledged, validated, occasionally appreciated, and eventually loved.

And thanks Lenora, you often get me thinking/processing. It's a relief not having to ask myself all of the questions all of the time. I'm not rejecting your offer, I am choosing an alternate option… for now. :)

Give it a month, and we'll see what happens next. I'm always reassessing.

Or.... I'm not shutting the door, I am simply opening a window

Addendum: if someone has technology to eliminate all sound and light, I will GLADLY accept ANY gift(s) that does so!!!! IT IS SOOOO DAMN LOUD IN HEAR... my nervous system is collapsing unto itself ..

Tube Feeds Me

I am fed. And I am being fed. On-time. With a smile.

Other Tubes

I have 4 hours worth of CT scans this afternoon. Please. Cross your fingers, legs, eyebrows… for me. Heck, if the medical transport even shows up, total victory shall be declared.

But really, this scanning event is no big deal, as long as I have a good ride-along companion. And perhaps it would be best if the CT Technologists are socially engaging.

So you see, I am "wanting" things. Just not actual things.

I've Enjoyed

I probably shouldn't be having this kind of fun, but I am. It's really nothing, but it's everything. And this isn't going to go anywhere, because it has no place to go.

Still, someone who works here likes me. And it's kind of neat. And innocent. And not all that obvious to others, I do not suspect. But I discussed this "liking" with someone else over the phone today, and it's agreed that I am hereby allowed to be liked.

Really, it's this super slow gradual building of tension.. with neither person openly acknowledging. Fun stuff.

Again, it's not really a thing, and never shall it be, but I like being liked. And years ago, I used to be liked in this manner and fashion every now and again (and you probably, too).

Did I appreciate it, that kind of attention back then? Yes. But never did I ever think it would happen again.

And yes, this person has seen the physical me. I'm partially baffled. But also thankful, enjoying the experience, while it lasts.

Awake with Me

It's 4:42am. I slept from midnight until 1:07am. That's when they began tending to my roommate, lights blaring/voices mumbling, until 1:39am. Lights back off at 2:03am. Fell back asleep… pillows, blanket, sheet over my head. Ear muffs tightly affixed… until now.

So, nearly 4 hours of sleep. Wow! Hooray! In the past two weeks I've been averaging an inhumane 3.7 hours, so perhaps I'll reap the rewards today. Seriously, if not sleeping, I NEED some dedicated reaping.

Eh. I can rest plenty when I am dead. Right?

And now Jeff just turned the lights back on. Because…. Why not? Heck. Give us MORE purposeless light bulbs, people!

Search Me

And I'm not exactly sure why this is, but they had three nurses in our room yesterday (variously and interchangeably) lifting up and looking underneath my sheet.. apparently, trying to determine who in our room was utilizing a urinary assistance device (hint: it's not me)

Yes. I knew it wasn't me, but they didn't seem to believe.

"Are you sure!?" Nurse Austin asks.

Of course, in the late afternoon it's 64° in this room, with the A/C going full bore. And yeah, with it being downright frigid in here… ummm

Anyway, I don't at all mind the random genital inspections. Almost any attention is good attention (besides the dedicated attention previously offered by the psychiatry department). Anyway, THEY are the ones who are uncomfortably searching me. So most probably, it seems, they need to fix their charts.

Vital Checks are in a few minutes, so I may try for a brief napping experience between the check and breakfast being served.

Take care (as I patiently await additional Wall Decoration arrivals),



Dear Howard,

watch that low indoor humidity number! thats the latest rumor in why we tend to pick up bugs in the winter months. (plus the Vitamin D part) I got a big pan of water sitting around.

Your comments on asking and needing are very familiar here, as I"m married to a similar perspective. Its partly a guy thing, generally. Most suffer in silence.

We've been having a few more candid discussions lately. This seems tied to increased infirmity and the tenuous feelings and demands.

"Its ok to ask me to help you" ....I said. All his joints don't work, hands don't work, feet don't work, he is a sort of mess when mostly he wasn't for most of his tenure.

Our daughter, will be here next week to bear Witness to the general trends.

She has Fixer qualities, and will want to do "something" about us. But what?

Uh oh.

ON BEING LIKED- well I think you said most everything needed on the topic. Its just the foundation of most everything. Once in a while, all that happens and nobody needs to say anything.

The energetic tension you describe is a phenomenal thing. Its kept humanity going for a few millennia, so far. Its generated a few wars, a few disagreements and a few Off With their Heads.

So congratulations on this Fun your Having.
Well @Howard, that wasn't a great deal of help, now was it? (Your list to me & others). OK, I understand where you're coming form but promise me that you'll update this in a month or so.

Why is it kept so cold in there?....for the staff & machines, I guess, never mind the comfort of the guests.

The least Jeff could do is to buy you a new tablet.....I hope he wraps it and presents it to you on Xmas Day.

So what are we left to send you: Cards, lots of cards, posters (someone more art & color compelled than I am). Insofar as ear lowering sounds go, I suspect one of the men would know more about them than others. Is there actually something that shuts out all sound? If money is a problem (and when isn't it?) please put a name out there and Santa may bring them.

So you have a crush on someone? And someone has one on you? Well, good going....your jokes and sense of humor must be working. Good lad.

How are you feeling today? The cold, BP....well everything. Yes, a shirt for outdoors would be helpful and look nicer than white on white. (And that's what I am, so don't feel alone. I'm really white on included.)
At least yours provides a background color and that's good.

Rod's in CA alone, and I'm Home Alone! Lots of people checked in yesterday and I even scored a Thanksgiving meal...true, it was late in the day, but I ate as much as I wanted. I have nice neighbors.

My daughter & her family were coming on today, but darn...they wanted to see a football game that doesn't end until 3:00 p.m., and we know they never really end even close to the stated time. So I told her to come tomorrow....she's agreeable and her hubby smoked a salmon for me. Luscious, I can assure you. So all in all, it was a good day and I was thankful for my basket of riches. At some point this weekend, that may be different.

Is Jeff getting any better? OK....I'll let the shorts go for now, but one pair Howard? Your name isn't in any of your clothing, that's probably the problem. ell you ex to please put your name on the items she's bringing in. A special pen is required. Feel better. Yours, Lenora.
Brrr, Howard, I hope you're not the hypothermia type. I've been on the verge of hypothermia at temps over 64 degrees. And the low humidity is pretty extreme, but yay, the dust mites hate it along with mold and cockroaches.

Liking someone and being liked in that way makes everything in life feel more magical. I'm excited for you and happy you're able to enjoy those sentiments. Those emotions are too much for me these days because of ME (or benzos), and I've had to discourage it and avoid it completely because I was in a constant state of extreme adrenalin rushes leading to crash after crash. I am an emotional girl (to the tune of Material Girl).

Oh, but I love a vicarious romance. Part of me wants her, whom you were once involved with, to know. (Oops, that was kinda mean.) Way to move on, Howard!

I'm happy you're able to tolerate those feelings, as you deserve this.

Sorry I haven't sent you anything. I make an effort to throw things away that I don't need because of clutter-phobia. But I do have cards and may send you one to put on your board sometime.
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@Rufous McKinney

It's great that you and your husband have each other. This falling apart business (on either/both sides) is rather unfortunate.


I think there are only so many options, in regards to eliminating sound. I've considered making myself permanently deaf, but what if I recover from this illness?

So you have a crush on someone?
Hmmm. Crush? Not exactly. Just a sort of semi-secret two-way knowing. I suspect neither of us is losing sleep.. It's simply a nice thing. :)

And I suspect a lot of us were alone for Thanksgiving.. and likely used to it.

Your name isn't in any of your clothing, that's probably the problem.
Yes. The activities people said they will put my name in the clothing so that the items don't disappear like the other stuff.


64° IS chilly. Even for me. So today they switched to Heat Mode, and right now we're sweating at 82° - Why is 73° so darned difficult?

Way to move on, Howard!
And it's probably not a good idea to share my current and/or future exploits with the person who no longer … ummmm… who is actively cooperating at the moment. Because really, I do not at all want to know what she's up to.

But yes, I do appreciate the sentiment. :)

Gifting - I expect nothing. So no worries in regards to not sending anything. I haven't been able to help anybody (financially) in the past seven years, so I get it. And I do want to help. So I find other ways to do so… by offering my expert unsolicited advice. Which people absolutely love and cherish. LOL
Hi Howard, Good Evening....Whatever it may be.

I do hope you manage a bit of sleep in there somewhere...although I have the same problem at this end, and it's quiet & light free. It's me!

Yes, your name on clothes would be helpful. Even if you move, you'll want more than one pr. of shorts (although you do sound a lot like excess whatsoever. Sadly for him, he married me.) Still, it's like sending kids to camp...those names had better be on items, or you'll never see them again. (You don't want to if you've ever opened a camp trunk upon their return.)

Still, when my mother went into the nursing home, I wrote her name on everything and washing wasn't a big problem. Whoever had the mesh bag for laundry...good idea. Great one, as a matter of fact.

I'm not leaning on you to produce la list of items you don't want, but we all need certain things and I still sense that you feel you should somehow recompense us in some way. Hey, your blog is plenty, but promise you'll only do it when you feel up to it.

Trust me, I remember what it was like to have no money and still have things given to us during those times. They mean so very much that someone thought of us.....and now it's my/our turn. So don't look at it as a handout. You're difficult and at the rate you're going it may end up with uncooked eggs in it....and where would you be? Besides, you have someone to impress now, so don't be shy. Besides, don't you get it? We want to; you're our "friend" and that's enough. We just need a little guidance. Yours, Lenora.

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