Boyfriend yelled at me cause I forgot something

The ME/CFS got me into trouble again. I think my boyfriend has just had enough and of late has lost a lot of his patience with me and is being less and less understanding. The ME/CFS is destroying our relationship as I need a supportive lover.. not someone who is going to make me feel bad due to the ME/CFS.

He went to take the scraps out to bury them in the garden for me, walking out the front door with the veg still wrapped in plastic, when I asked him if he was going to take the plastic from the veg to do so? and he exploded at me for that question and started yelling.

He said I should knew him well enough to know he wouldnt bury the plastic in the garden. Thing is... due to my bad memory I often dont have a clue what he's going to do... I find it real hard to remember what's happened before and in the past.. I also confuse people and the actions they do due to my ME/CFS memory. So I truely had no idea and hence my innocent question to him which only got me yelled at.

This hit me as like a triple whammy thing..

- as a lack of understanding of the ME/CFS (He knows I have a very terrible memory). So I feel distressed that my ME/CFS has got me into trouble with someone again, this time someone I love who I thought understood that issue and that Im being judged due to it. (The ME/CFS actually gives me far less distress then other people do over it)

- I had a bad childhood and early adulthood hence yelling actually traumatises me. My mother yelled and hit me daily till I was 10. My first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was a violent one. Being yelled at like throws me back in time and makes me think of my mother. When someone yells at me, I automatically go into "self protection" mode.. this will consist of either lashing out like a frightened dog will bite or will have me like "run" from that other. Days after he yelled at me.. Im still in self protection mode.

- By yelling at me, he broke a promise which was very important to me... in the past as he knows yelling distresses me a heap and he knows about my past, so he PROMISED he wouldnt be doing that. Lately he's just yelling more and more in an aggressive way. Right now cause of this broken promise.. I feel like I cant trust him no more and cant trust him to keep promises to me.
.......

Then to top it off.. I have an agressive Asperger's friend and he phoned and got mad at me and started yelling on the phone as I butted in (actually I was trying to stop him telling me about his sex life I didnt want to hear about.. Im always telling him I dont want all those details of his life). So I hung up on him (so he's rang my boyfriend telling him Ive upset him) and Im so upset about all the yelling that Ive gone and buried my mobile in the backyard as I dont now want to talk to either of them.

and now Ive gone back to cutting and scratching myself cause of the yelling.. trying to blunten my very hurt emotions, to numb the pain.. carving things all over my body.

My boyfriend didnt allow me to talk about it when he was visiting.. he silenced me when i got upset over being yelled at (all cause I forgot something) and like a good girl, I went silent and did what he wanted (as I love him so want him to be happy and he didnt want to get into it with me) so I "blocked" my emotions by shoving them real deep where they just fester inside and explode out as soon as he leaves.

So now I feel like false, I dont like falsity at all and its not right I have to act false to keep him happy.. it hurts me even more and just adds another hurt onto everything else. The only way I feel I can release my emotions now (at this point I feel so vulerable I dont even feel I can now discuss with them) .. is to write everything which is hurting me all over my body ( :( I'd been going so well of late too.. so Im kind of devastated Ive gone into so much pain and doing this again. My boyfriend dont know Im back to doing this.. he's due to see me tomorrow but Im going to try to stop him from visiting.. as Im now feeling too vulerable and not wanting to be dealing with him in anyway).

Im thinking about breaking up.. i cant stand yelling in the relationship. I see yelling as abuse (ive never been able to handle it). Im dependant thou a lot on my boyfriend :( as I dont have any other help and I cant even currently look after my house (my boyfriend has been doing my dishes and many other things). Without him in my life Im in trouble but emotionally I cant handle what he's doing which spirals me back into my past.. :( Im in a no win situation.

Comments

Hello tania,
Sorry to hear the pain you are suffering right now...feeling it with you. Thankyou so much for the times you have lent a kind ear to me when I have felt low. Thanks also for all the helpful info you have put together here on PR.

Guess all you can do is listen to what your body is telling you and rest up...allow yourself space to rest and think...can you contact your therapist soon for a chat?

You really need a home helper that is not dependent on YOU in any way...guess the fear of having no-one at all is a major one...and a fear that is common to us all...

I also find myself vulnerable if people around me get moody, aggressive or even passive aggressive. Sure sets back the recovery process! Please know that you are a special and precious human being. Sending you heaps of love & (((((hugggzzz)))))
Meryl
 
Don't stay with someone who's abusive. I know you need help, but that's not the way to do it. Do they have any disabled agencies where you can get someone in to clean for you or something?

I can't take being yelled at either. It totally makes me sick.

You shouldn't have to put up with someone who is being mean.
 
This is a complicated situation. The choice is difficult, but resolution and a decision will come.

What would be nice, of course, is if the situation could go from black and white to grey. What I mean is this. Most of us here do need support, a friend. Can you ask this man for a romantic time out.... and ask him if he would be willing to still give you support as a friend? What will be tricky about this, is if you do want him as a friend...some one to help and support, you have to be resolute and not send mixed messages.

If he understands how ill you are, and wants to help you as a friend, that would be great. It does sound like you know what you need in a relationship at this point. If, for whatever reason, he cannot give you what you need - not even as a platonic friend - then you will have very tough choices to make.

I agree with Carrigon...start investigating ways to get help. I'm not really religious - but if you call a church or other religious organization, most likely they can send over someone to help with some light chores.

It's a balancing act: we do need the help, but we also have to look after ourselves emotionally and physically.
 
Oh, dear, Tania. I am just checking back again, and so sorry to hear it has escalated to this. Your story reminds me so much of my own in so many ways.
I wish things hadn't escalated for you so much already.
I was coming to this thread to give you a link to this site and video(s)

http://getwellfromme.com/2011/8-helping-a-friend-with-me/#comment-81
This guy Giles has made these awesome videos and text, concise and lcear, but thorough, explaining so well alot of the issues we deal with (although ai don'tthink that memory mix up is one of them, but I know that one myself).
I think it really confirms what we are saying to people when they can see someone has gone to the trouble to produce a video about his personal experience, says the stuff calmly, and then you can see people comments below about how much they relate.
I hope it helps.
which are new, and I wish had been available to me earlier.
Perhaps now they are not the first priority, but perhaps they will help with this boyfriend/ ex/ friend at some oint in the near future, or with someone els.
I agree with what Nico said, and ditto on what Meryl said.
I also think it's important to take ownership of our own out of control behaviors. People hate it when they see me as trying to "use" the ME/CFS to "blame" my other stuff (and I havfe plenty of those other issues, too) on.
(Also, if I had really been able to get a handle on my other way-out stuff that scared people or drove people away, or stopped me in other ways from building healthy relationships, I might still have someone today. But I don't. I am alone, at 45, with several serious permanent physical illnesses that don't leave me with much of a chance to ever have a partner.)
I have learned it alwyas helps if I "clean up my side of the street."
Then I can keep it clear what part is mine, and what is theirs, and what part is stuff that could happen between any two people in a relationship not involving one partner with an invisible dsabling illness like ME/CFS - the stuff about having a healthy relationship (seen Codependent No More? by Melody Beatty?) - and the part about needing to ask for what you need in terms of understandg for the ME.
OK. Also, as a person age 45 with other serious health conditions which tend to make me inelligible for the ideal relationship I want with a great person, I have learned how to value and be greatful for what another person Does give. Not to say that I will compromise my values or myself, but I will compromise, in general. I realize there is no "perfect" person, the next one is always going to haev something "wrong."
While it is true you dont' want to stay with someone abusive, anyone can get frustrated and yell. More important would be to resolve or discharge theold distress aobut that and be able to be OK when someone else screws up. Just saying, I don't know this guy, if he's an emotional abuser or not. In my case, it has often taken two to tango.
I'm just saying, it is soo soo precious to have a partner to take out your compost (I wish I did. Mine is overflowing! And I don't even know another man in this region of the country who composts!!!)
So, if you try to work it out, it might be worth it. And perhaps, after clearing all the heavy emotional stuff, and acknowleging it for what it is, and perhaps just really letting him know you value him, and forgiving (and any apologies if necessary) perhaps this video will come in handy.
Hope my rambilng was not too off-base, as I'm sending off the top of my head.
Please, I hope I did not offend you with any of what I said. I feel so much compassion for you. I truly want to help.
WarriorSeeksPeace
 
Carrigon;bt4952 said:
Don't stay with someone who's abusive. I know you need help, but that's not the way to do it. Do they have any disabled agencies where you can get someone in to clean for you or something?

I can't take being yelled at either. It totally makes me sick.

You shouldn't have to put up with someone who is being mean.
Nope.. I havent been able to get any home help at all.. even when I was completely bedbound (hence then my primary age school child was my carer at the time).

Meryl.. My psychotherapist. I can only see her once every 6-8 weeks. They cant even ever get me in sooner in emergencies (Ive tried to get in quicker many many times in emergencies but they never do).

Hence when i say I have no other help.. I mean that.. I cant get it.
 
Nico.. Ive tried all that.. Ive been trying to get home help for most of 14 years.

This year I finally got accepted as a client of disabilities SA ..but then they dropped me as a client a month later saying their isnt any services in my area they can get to help me.

They had told me they were going to help me with some things :( (eg house modifications I need, extra counselling etc).

I are a client of AutismSA but they cant offer me any help at all either as they dont have the funding.. they said the only thing they can offer me is their library usage.
 
" don't know this guy, if he's an emotional abuser or not."

He's not intentionally one.. He'd be mortified at himself if he really realised what he is doing.
.........

Thanks every one for the posts. I are feeling better some now (thou things still arent at all right and wont be until if he learns to understand better).

I wish there was counsellors out there to help our partners deal properly with us having this illness but while things are still like in the stone age, I cant see that happening anytime soon.
 
Hi Taniaaust1,

Please don't blame the ME/CFS, your boyfriend like all of us, is in control of how he responds to situations. I know you probably won't want to think about these things, but for your own safety do you have a plan of action if your boyfriends behaviour escalates and you need urgent help?. If you have a child you can access the help of your local womens refuge and if your local police station has one, help through the domestic violence liaison officer (DVLO) who is a police officer specially trained in domestic violence and helping with avo's/restraining orders and they are a terrific help.

Also have you contacted the disability advocacy service in your state to see if they can help you get homecare?. Your problem is really common for ME/CFS patients! I am sure if we all rang up and said we had MS, a place and funding would magically appear. It sucks.

Good luck and don't be afraid to leave if things get worse :)
 

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