The ME/CFS got me into trouble again. I think my boyfriend has just had enough and of late has lost a lot of his patience with me and is being less and less understanding. The ME/CFS is destroying our relationship as I need a supportive lover.. not someone who is going to make me feel bad due to the ME/CFS.
He went to take the scraps out to bury them in the garden for me, walking out the front door with the veg still wrapped in plastic, when I asked him if he was going to take the plastic from the veg to do so? and he exploded at me for that question and started yelling.
He said I should knew him well enough to know he wouldnt bury the plastic in the garden. Thing is... due to my bad memory I often dont have a clue what he's going to do... I find it real hard to remember what's happened before and in the past.. I also confuse people and the actions they do due to my ME/CFS memory. So I truely had no idea and hence my innocent question to him which only got me yelled at.
This hit me as like a triple whammy thing..
- as a lack of understanding of the ME/CFS (He knows I have a very terrible memory). So I feel distressed that my ME/CFS has got me into trouble with someone again, this time someone I love who I thought understood that issue and that Im being judged due to it. (The ME/CFS actually gives me far less distress then other people do over it)
- I had a bad childhood and early adulthood hence yelling actually traumatises me. My mother yelled and hit me daily till I was 10. My first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was a violent one. Being yelled at like throws me back in time and makes me think of my mother. When someone yells at me, I automatically go into "self protection" mode.. this will consist of either lashing out like a frightened dog will bite or will have me like "run" from that other. Days after he yelled at me.. Im still in self protection mode.
- By yelling at me, he broke a promise which was very important to me... in the past as he knows yelling distresses me a heap and he knows about my past, so he PROMISED he wouldnt be doing that. Lately he's just yelling more and more in an aggressive way. Right now cause of this broken promise.. I feel like I cant trust him no more and cant trust him to keep promises to me.
.......
Then to top it off.. I have an agressive Asperger's friend and he phoned and got mad at me and started yelling on the phone as I butted in (actually I was trying to stop him telling me about his sex life I didnt want to hear about.. Im always telling him I dont want all those details of his life). So I hung up on him (so he's rang my boyfriend telling him Ive upset him) and Im so upset about all the yelling that Ive gone and buried my mobile in the backyard as I dont now want to talk to either of them.
and now Ive gone back to cutting and scratching myself cause of the yelling.. trying to blunten my very hurt emotions, to numb the pain.. carving things all over my body.
My boyfriend didnt allow me to talk about it when he was visiting.. he silenced me when i got upset over being yelled at (all cause I forgot something) and like a good girl, I went silent and did what he wanted (as I love him so want him to be happy and he didnt want to get into it with me) so I "blocked" my emotions by shoving them real deep where they just fester inside and explode out as soon as he leaves.
So now I feel like false, I dont like falsity at all and its not right I have to act false to keep him happy.. it hurts me even more and just adds another hurt onto everything else. The only way I feel I can release my emotions now (at this point I feel so vulerable I dont even feel I can now discuss with them) .. is to write everything which is hurting me all over my body ( I'd been going so well of late too.. so Im kind of devastated Ive gone into so much pain and doing this again. My boyfriend dont know Im back to doing this.. he's due to see me tomorrow but Im going to try to stop him from visiting.. as Im now feeling too vulerable and not wanting to be dealing with him in anyway).
Im thinking about breaking up.. i cant stand yelling in the relationship. I see yelling as abuse (ive never been able to handle it). Im dependant thou a lot on my boyfriend as I dont have any other help and I cant even currently look after my house (my boyfriend has been doing my dishes and many other things). Without him in my life Im in trouble but emotionally I cant handle what he's doing which spirals me back into my past.. Im in a no win situation.
He went to take the scraps out to bury them in the garden for me, walking out the front door with the veg still wrapped in plastic, when I asked him if he was going to take the plastic from the veg to do so? and he exploded at me for that question and started yelling.
He said I should knew him well enough to know he wouldnt bury the plastic in the garden. Thing is... due to my bad memory I often dont have a clue what he's going to do... I find it real hard to remember what's happened before and in the past.. I also confuse people and the actions they do due to my ME/CFS memory. So I truely had no idea and hence my innocent question to him which only got me yelled at.
This hit me as like a triple whammy thing..
- as a lack of understanding of the ME/CFS (He knows I have a very terrible memory). So I feel distressed that my ME/CFS has got me into trouble with someone again, this time someone I love who I thought understood that issue and that Im being judged due to it. (The ME/CFS actually gives me far less distress then other people do over it)
- I had a bad childhood and early adulthood hence yelling actually traumatises me. My mother yelled and hit me daily till I was 10. My first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was a violent one. Being yelled at like throws me back in time and makes me think of my mother. When someone yells at me, I automatically go into "self protection" mode.. this will consist of either lashing out like a frightened dog will bite or will have me like "run" from that other. Days after he yelled at me.. Im still in self protection mode.
- By yelling at me, he broke a promise which was very important to me... in the past as he knows yelling distresses me a heap and he knows about my past, so he PROMISED he wouldnt be doing that. Lately he's just yelling more and more in an aggressive way. Right now cause of this broken promise.. I feel like I cant trust him no more and cant trust him to keep promises to me.
.......
Then to top it off.. I have an agressive Asperger's friend and he phoned and got mad at me and started yelling on the phone as I butted in (actually I was trying to stop him telling me about his sex life I didnt want to hear about.. Im always telling him I dont want all those details of his life). So I hung up on him (so he's rang my boyfriend telling him Ive upset him) and Im so upset about all the yelling that Ive gone and buried my mobile in the backyard as I dont now want to talk to either of them.
and now Ive gone back to cutting and scratching myself cause of the yelling.. trying to blunten my very hurt emotions, to numb the pain.. carving things all over my body.
My boyfriend didnt allow me to talk about it when he was visiting.. he silenced me when i got upset over being yelled at (all cause I forgot something) and like a good girl, I went silent and did what he wanted (as I love him so want him to be happy and he didnt want to get into it with me) so I "blocked" my emotions by shoving them real deep where they just fester inside and explode out as soon as he leaves.
So now I feel like false, I dont like falsity at all and its not right I have to act false to keep him happy.. it hurts me even more and just adds another hurt onto everything else. The only way I feel I can release my emotions now (at this point I feel so vulerable I dont even feel I can now discuss with them) .. is to write everything which is hurting me all over my body ( I'd been going so well of late too.. so Im kind of devastated Ive gone into so much pain and doing this again. My boyfriend dont know Im back to doing this.. he's due to see me tomorrow but Im going to try to stop him from visiting.. as Im now feeling too vulerable and not wanting to be dealing with him in anyway).
Im thinking about breaking up.. i cant stand yelling in the relationship. I see yelling as abuse (ive never been able to handle it). Im dependant thou a lot on my boyfriend as I dont have any other help and I cant even currently look after my house (my boyfriend has been doing my dishes and many other things). Without him in my life Im in trouble but emotionally I cant handle what he's doing which spirals me back into my past.. Im in a no win situation.