Because I've been experiencing physical (pain-related) issues, my recent free time has been more dedicated towards coping with the discomfort, rather than taking part in creative pursuits. There's nothing terrible happening here, but there's a fair amount of "ugly" embedded within my writing attempts. I'll get through this… ummm, I'm not seeking out solutions to the problems (here), but I wanted to offer reasons (or an excuse 
), as it relates to my recent lack of participation on this site.
Either way, lots of positive things are going on as well, so let's first dive right into the shallow end of an empty pool, shall we?
Days of Pain, Nights Bathed in Blue Light (April 13th)
*It's possible I have a low pain threshold, and/or my nerve issues (dysfunction) make me more bodily sensitive, soooo….
I am angry. Perhaps you are angry as well. Yes. Anger is a thing. And with me, pain is an anger thing. So in the past several days, I've experienced a whole lot of both.
Yesterday started off kind of swell. For the first time since my new roommate moved in I awoke with the kind of energy I'd become formerly accustomed to. It's the kind of energized feeling that makes me think I'll walk again someday.
What led to this?
I wore my semi-new blue blocking shades in the evening, blocked the all-night television with the black umbrella (also draped a shirt across the top for additional opaqueness) and each of the usual artifacts were applied or ingested - Plus, I focused on mindful full-bodied relaxation before officially turning in.
And despite the intermittent all-day pain (stoma pain and continuing tooth extraction site discomfort from 6 weeks back) I found satisfaction from having my former strength and mental agility returned to me.
Throwing Shade
Then things unraveled. A phone call. Bad news. The Doctor People weren't gonna take my insurance. No visits with the neuro-gastroenterologist or neuromuscular specialist… because… that's how the universe works!
Clearly, we live in glorious times filled with Inglorious Bastards. And I think that was the title of a movie… something starring Telly Savalas, Gregory Peck, and Engelbert Humperdinck!
So, back to ground zero. The scene of the crime. Detonation Boulevard (a kick ass song by The Sisters of Mercy, by the way).
Well. I lost it. Erupted. In the courtyard. Yelled at the top of my lungs. Violently and repeatedly punched the side of my chair. Then ranted and raved for a short spell before quietly staring into the abyss as a means to….. ?
My Emotional State?
Distraught
Mary rushed out to the courtyard to see me. To see what I'd done.
Nothing broken. Nothing bleeding.
Then Angela came outside, in an attempt to further comfort me. She offered supportive words. She rubbed my head and massaged my neck for a while. I cried a wee bit. Ranted quietly. Then she braided my hair!
I almost, sort of, kinda, just about… felt loved, from simply having been comforted. Not exactly, but I suspect that's what I was almost feeling. And I think it's what real people in real life experience from time to time, especially when others physically touch them. Comfort and validation. Compassion. Caring.
Finally, I calmed down while clutching and squeezing the rubber stress ball she'd just handed me.
"I feel like throwing something," I hinted, while demonstrating my former throwing motion, the one I utilized back when I played baseball.
So she and I played catch! And I was able to throw the ball an easy 30 feet, fairly accurately - overhand, sidearm, and even a few (crappy) curve balls. As an added bonus, I also caught each of her return throws… although I did so in an unnaturally awkward slow-motion manner. It seemed as though my reactions were lagging, but I made the catches despite that perception.
Then two hours later, Blanche and I played catch twice as long, a full ten minutes. I threw more easily this time. Yes, I was figuring it out again.. the proper coordination required .. executing a halfway passable pitching motion despite being stuck in a slightly reclined chair on wheels. Fun stuff!
order:
GU
M
TART C
HERRY
Pure map
le c
andy chea
P?
Church Goer #141,326
Yes. I did a church-like thing in the cafeteria Friday evening. My friend Jillian invited me to go, so despite having reservations (literally), I accepted her invitation! Also, my Friday nights are rather admittedly… wide open, here at the compound.
As a direct result of my attending, I learned a plethora of church related things. For instance, Jehovah is another name for God. Well… I already sorta knew that. But what I didn't know, nor understand, is that only 144,000 believers get to live in Heaven after they die!
At first, I thought I misunderstood what The Preacher Man was saying, but he kept finding different ways to explain the same thing.. disseminating additional related bible facts and bible figures for a solid 20 minutes (regarding this matter of numbers crunching formerly unknown to me).
So there's that.
And, I didn't know also that the moon had made only 25,286 round trips around our planet since our planet originally came into being.
Note: I may have been slightly preoccupied by The Numbers and related calculations throughout the service.
Everything else? Well, I was intimately familiar with most of the concepts and content… Adam and Eve kinds of stuff. Bad Apples. Apostles eating bread (containing no yeast or salt, whatsoever). Also, the usual suspects doing the usual things for the usual reasons.
Oh, I Recently Bought Things
In the past week I've purchased several things for myself, and I am doing my best not to feel guilty. Basically, I was given a large sum of money from a variety of people, and I was told to buy things that pleased me. Perhaps even… things that would help me return to my music making.
Note: this large sum of money is probably not very large compared to what other people would normally and nominally consider to be a large amount -
I was hesitant at first…
And in my next entry, I will offer explicit details regarding my purchases.
Ugh. That sounds SO wrong!
Saturday 917am
The pain thing remains painful. At times. And during those times, I feel the need to punch things, or break things. I want to smash everything in sight.
Yes. I breathe deeply. Exhale slowly. Consider the consequences of my violent intentions. Practice presence. Focus directly on the pain. Recognize the pain as being impermanent.
Eventually it goes away.. if I don't move. Or breathe. Eventually everything goes away when we stop moving and breathing. Ha! Yes. I think I am onto something here.
It's not really that bad. I just enjoy complaining to a captive audience.
Eureka! I've made a DISCOVERY -
"Stress Relief Toys, Desktop Punching Bag. Comes with Desk Clamp and Suction Cup" -
I really really think I may get this. I can attach it to the armrest of my cart with the clamp, so that I may use it when I go outside in the courtyard. Hmmm… Brilliant invention, right?
Easter Sunday Event
She instructed us to sing along, so within the large holiday gathering I did my best and sang along .. utilizing incorrect words, while paraphrasing lyrics unknown.
Most of the material sung by angelic voiced Mary was from decades prior to my ever existing. No Led Zeppelin. No Metallica. No Alice in Chains. No Oranssi Pazuzu. And No Jute Gyte either.
But I socialized plenty, held court, and incessantly spun a plastic easter egg counterclockwise upon the tabke surface.
It's Next Thursday (2 days ago)
Get this… I awoke pain free, and I remained that way all morning long! A huge difference maker, not having to contend with that kind of unpleasantness.
Other than that, I've got a number of eventful events on the agenda.. stuff that'll blow your mind. Stuff that'll be addressed in the next meandering missive.
And I hope this read okay. I do not seem to have a sense for proper word assemblage at this juncture, nor of late.
Next Time:
Dietitian Talk(s) and Timeouts
A Different Formula for Success
Singing (a New Job)
Instrumental Well Being
An Overmedicated Other
UNEXPECTED visitor
Imogene likes Basketball Gospel and Country Western
Appointments Rescheduled!!?
Procedures and Removal
Take care,
Howard
Twilight Fade
Howard's Television Blocking Sleep Setup
), as it relates to my recent lack of participation on this site. Either way, lots of positive things are going on as well, so let's first dive right into the shallow end of an empty pool, shall we?
Days of Pain, Nights Bathed in Blue Light (April 13th)
*It's possible I have a low pain threshold, and/or my nerve issues (dysfunction) make me more bodily sensitive, soooo….
I am angry. Perhaps you are angry as well. Yes. Anger is a thing. And with me, pain is an anger thing. So in the past several days, I've experienced a whole lot of both.
Yesterday started off kind of swell. For the first time since my new roommate moved in I awoke with the kind of energy I'd become formerly accustomed to. It's the kind of energized feeling that makes me think I'll walk again someday.
What led to this?
I wore my semi-new blue blocking shades in the evening, blocked the all-night television with the black umbrella (also draped a shirt across the top for additional opaqueness) and each of the usual artifacts were applied or ingested - Plus, I focused on mindful full-bodied relaxation before officially turning in.
And despite the intermittent all-day pain (stoma pain and continuing tooth extraction site discomfort from 6 weeks back) I found satisfaction from having my former strength and mental agility returned to me.
Throwing Shade
Then things unraveled. A phone call. Bad news. The Doctor People weren't gonna take my insurance. No visits with the neuro-gastroenterologist or neuromuscular specialist… because… that's how the universe works!
Clearly, we live in glorious times filled with Inglorious Bastards. And I think that was the title of a movie… something starring Telly Savalas, Gregory Peck, and Engelbert Humperdinck!
So, back to ground zero. The scene of the crime. Detonation Boulevard (a kick ass song by The Sisters of Mercy, by the way).
Well. I lost it. Erupted. In the courtyard. Yelled at the top of my lungs. Violently and repeatedly punched the side of my chair. Then ranted and raved for a short spell before quietly staring into the abyss as a means to….. ?
My Emotional State?
Distraught
Mary rushed out to the courtyard to see me. To see what I'd done.
Nothing broken. Nothing bleeding.
Then Angela came outside, in an attempt to further comfort me. She offered supportive words. She rubbed my head and massaged my neck for a while. I cried a wee bit. Ranted quietly. Then she braided my hair!
I almost, sort of, kinda, just about… felt loved, from simply having been comforted. Not exactly, but I suspect that's what I was almost feeling. And I think it's what real people in real life experience from time to time, especially when others physically touch them. Comfort and validation. Compassion. Caring.
Finally, I calmed down while clutching and squeezing the rubber stress ball she'd just handed me.
"I feel like throwing something," I hinted, while demonstrating my former throwing motion, the one I utilized back when I played baseball.
So she and I played catch! And I was able to throw the ball an easy 30 feet, fairly accurately - overhand, sidearm, and even a few (crappy) curve balls. As an added bonus, I also caught each of her return throws… although I did so in an unnaturally awkward slow-motion manner. It seemed as though my reactions were lagging, but I made the catches despite that perception.
Then two hours later, Blanche and I played catch twice as long, a full ten minutes. I threw more easily this time. Yes, I was figuring it out again.. the proper coordination required .. executing a halfway passable pitching motion despite being stuck in a slightly reclined chair on wheels. Fun stuff!
order:
GU
M
TART C
HERRY
Pure map
le c
andy chea
P?
Church Goer #141,326
Yes. I did a church-like thing in the cafeteria Friday evening. My friend Jillian invited me to go, so despite having reservations (literally), I accepted her invitation! Also, my Friday nights are rather admittedly… wide open, here at the compound.
As a direct result of my attending, I learned a plethora of church related things. For instance, Jehovah is another name for God. Well… I already sorta knew that. But what I didn't know, nor understand, is that only 144,000 believers get to live in Heaven after they die!
At first, I thought I misunderstood what The Preacher Man was saying, but he kept finding different ways to explain the same thing.. disseminating additional related bible facts and bible figures for a solid 20 minutes (regarding this matter of numbers crunching formerly unknown to me).
So there's that.
And, I didn't know also that the moon had made only 25,286 round trips around our planet since our planet originally came into being.
Note: I may have been slightly preoccupied by The Numbers and related calculations throughout the service.
Everything else? Well, I was intimately familiar with most of the concepts and content… Adam and Eve kinds of stuff. Bad Apples. Apostles eating bread (containing no yeast or salt, whatsoever). Also, the usual suspects doing the usual things for the usual reasons.
Oh, I Recently Bought Things
In the past week I've purchased several things for myself, and I am doing my best not to feel guilty. Basically, I was given a large sum of money from a variety of people, and I was told to buy things that pleased me. Perhaps even… things that would help me return to my music making.
Note: this large sum of money is probably not very large compared to what other people would normally and nominally consider to be a large amount -
I was hesitant at first…
And in my next entry, I will offer explicit details regarding my purchases.
Ugh. That sounds SO wrong!
Saturday 917am
The pain thing remains painful. At times. And during those times, I feel the need to punch things, or break things. I want to smash everything in sight.
Yes. I breathe deeply. Exhale slowly. Consider the consequences of my violent intentions. Practice presence. Focus directly on the pain. Recognize the pain as being impermanent.
Eventually it goes away.. if I don't move. Or breathe. Eventually everything goes away when we stop moving and breathing. Ha! Yes. I think I am onto something here.
It's not really that bad. I just enjoy complaining to a captive audience.
Eureka! I've made a DISCOVERY -
"Stress Relief Toys, Desktop Punching Bag. Comes with Desk Clamp and Suction Cup" -
I really really think I may get this. I can attach it to the armrest of my cart with the clamp, so that I may use it when I go outside in the courtyard. Hmmm… Brilliant invention, right?
Easter Sunday Event
She instructed us to sing along, so within the large holiday gathering I did my best and sang along .. utilizing incorrect words, while paraphrasing lyrics unknown.
Most of the material sung by angelic voiced Mary was from decades prior to my ever existing. No Led Zeppelin. No Metallica. No Alice in Chains. No Oranssi Pazuzu. And No Jute Gyte either.
But I socialized plenty, held court, and incessantly spun a plastic easter egg counterclockwise upon the tabke surface.
It's Next Thursday (2 days ago)
Get this… I awoke pain free, and I remained that way all morning long! A huge difference maker, not having to contend with that kind of unpleasantness.
Other than that, I've got a number of eventful events on the agenda.. stuff that'll blow your mind. Stuff that'll be addressed in the next meandering missive.
And I hope this read okay. I do not seem to have a sense for proper word assemblage at this juncture, nor of late.
Next Time:
Dietitian Talk(s) and Timeouts
A Different Formula for Success
Singing (a New Job)
Instrumental Well Being
An Overmedicated Other
UNEXPECTED visitor
Imogene likes Basketball Gospel and Country Western
Appointments Rescheduled!!?
Procedures and Removal
Take care,
Howard
Twilight Fade
Howard's Television Blocking Sleep Setup
