1:01 am and finally the pain has diminished in such a way as to allow my potential sleeping (while listening to Oranssi Pazuzu’s most recently released effort, Mestarin Kynsi. You see, I had wanted this album since the first came out a couple of years ago. During the big covid surge (back when I was exclusively bed bound and particularly close to dying) this particular band played a live concert on YouTube, playing the entire album from start to finish.
And the day they did this, was my first attempt at smoking marijuana (seeking out potential solutions or some kind of relief). It turned out that the relief was short in coming. The day after I took the loan hit off of the marijuana joint, I could not stay awake. And then the day after that, I had muscle pain from head to toe. My whole body ached, muscle burning.
Two more times (at three month intervals) I tried marijuana again, the edible form, and then a medical marijuana joint. Each time I took a minimal dosage. And each time the side effects played out similarly.
But now, that's not the case. Two weeks ago I started out with marijuana lollipops. And now I've graduated to smoking marijuana pre-rolls. Apparently, that's what they call marijuana joints, within the industry.
What I'm doing is taking one drag off of a joint each time the pain becomes unmanageable. Because, continuous pain really sucks! And no one wants to write me a script for pain medications. At least not at this point. But you know, help has always been slow in coming. I'm sure each of you can relate to my difficulties on that front.
Not only that, I also started smoking cigarettes. I hadn't smoked in years, but I read that nicotine can bring temporarily pain relief. And approximately 75% of the time, it does. It doesn't help much when the pain is super serious, but when it's only a 5 on the scale of 10, smoking does seem to help for 20 or 30 minutes at a time.
The thing is, I cannot smoke marijuana exclusively, or I would. As it turns out, I've already had two panic / anxiety attacks due to its effects. And really, I do not want to be high on drugs, even if they are legal.
So I started out with the marijuana lollipops, and augmented those with the cigarettes and other marijuana products. Today I purchased gummy bears.
I'm not high right now, I'm just a little bit cold. I do have the space heater, but I need to turn it off while I'm sleeping. I mean, perhaps I do not. But I'm not interested in starting a fire of any sort.
And I almost forgot to mention, we've had the coldest 7 days that I can remember - probably 2007 was that year. Upper 20s three or four different nights.
By the way, the marijuana is making me occasionally stupid. Dull. Unmotivated.
Oh
So I may have mentioned this before, but they finally figured out my SSI monthly stipend (in the neighborhood of $900). And since I hadn't had any spending money since 2013, I decided to spend $88 on music downloads. Some of these songs and albums had been on my list for the greater portion of a decade.
The genres are almost exclusively metal. Because that's been my mindset. The pain makes my mind aggressive. The aggressive music absolves my inclination towards aggressiveness.
So, the following bands are on my immediate future listening agenda (list provided simply for the reason that you have a feel for their band names):
Ekpyrosis
Nightmarer
Noneuclid
OXXO XOOX
Pensees Nocturnes
Pryapisme
Schizoid Lloyd
Sebkha-Chott
Scepticflesh
Triptykon
Varials
Wormed
And six additional Jute Gyte albums (at $3 a pop)
I absolutely do not recommend any of these bands for you, unless you are into psychedelic black metal, any of the metalcore(s), or technical metal variations.
On my way to the marijuana dispensary this afternoon, a guy in an SUV pulled over and stopped me.
“You want me to buy you some food, some dinner?”
He assumed I was homeless. Which I guess, is how I look right now. Heck, I'm probably pushing 115 lb, hoping the free fall has ceased. Because really, humans can survive on 800 calories a day. I've done it before, so doing it right now ain't no big deal.
And speaking of pain, and the inability to ingest sustenance, I am set for a nerve block on February 1st. Of course, the doctor did not explain any of the procedural or diagnostic details with me. So I've been doing my own research.
And it seems as though the procedure will be somewhat painful, as I cannot receive an IV sedative, because they do not have the technologically necessary equipment to give me an IV. I require ultrasound in order to place the needle. But whatever, they said they could give me a local.
I mean, how badly can it hurt?
Diagnose Me
By the way, my medical self diagnosis is Abdominal Cutaneous Nerve Entrapment Syndrome (ACNES). That's got to be it. The entire upper left quadrant underneath the rib cage feels bruised. And it's probable the nerve is entrapped in and around my stoma area, as a result of the procedure completed last February, where they replaced my feeding tube. That's when this sorta pain began, and also began increasing by the day.
I'm also aiming to see an acupuncturist sometime soon. I found a couple community acupuncturists who have a sliding fee scale. Maybe 30 bucks for an appointment. Conveniently located.
Kids Being Kids
Ummm …. A good thing is that my 5-year-old step grandson came to visit this afternoon. And I took him for a walk through the interior of the complex. He ended up playing a quick round of football with some of the older kids. He doesn't know the rules, and really just ran around in circles, but what the heck, why not?
In any case, I had fun spending time with him - even though it reminded me of the fun times ahead of my son before this illness struck me down (as well as the decade worth of fun times I missed while he was growing up, too busy being deathly ill). We used to play in the same exact grassy area, throwing the football around, the baseball, that sort of thing.
That's all I'm going to write for right now. Time to shut off the heat and shut off my brain.
I've got a few thousand words covering New Year's and engagements with some of the locals, but that requires proofreading. Perhaps this requires proof reading as well, but I'm not in that mindset. My mouth is getting slow. My eyelids are drooping. And I finally found a physician that may allow me to slip into unconsciousness. Not a physician, a position. And why not a possession? Or a procession? I need to march. Down the boulevard. The Dirty Boulevard. Something Lou Reed once sung before he died. Not that I'm a big fan of that song. “Walk on the Wild Side” and "This Magic Moment" are the two songs of his I really liked though.
Alright then people, hang in there. I'm surviving. So are you. And usually, I work towards being the best person that I can possibly be, but I've put that on hold of late. So perhaps y'all can do that for me.
Take care,
Howard Cha
P.S. I owe some of you responses to the comments and the previous blog entry, so I haven't forgotten. Or maybe I did forget. Few times. But now I remember. But the marijuana makes me forget. Yes, I will blame the marijuana for everything from now on and going forward. When I'm going backwards, however, I will Blame It on Rio!
Cold Palm Trees
Cold Sunset
Another Cold Occasion
And the day they did this, was my first attempt at smoking marijuana (seeking out potential solutions or some kind of relief). It turned out that the relief was short in coming. The day after I took the loan hit off of the marijuana joint, I could not stay awake. And then the day after that, I had muscle pain from head to toe. My whole body ached, muscle burning.
Two more times (at three month intervals) I tried marijuana again, the edible form, and then a medical marijuana joint. Each time I took a minimal dosage. And each time the side effects played out similarly.
But now, that's not the case. Two weeks ago I started out with marijuana lollipops. And now I've graduated to smoking marijuana pre-rolls. Apparently, that's what they call marijuana joints, within the industry.
What I'm doing is taking one drag off of a joint each time the pain becomes unmanageable. Because, continuous pain really sucks! And no one wants to write me a script for pain medications. At least not at this point. But you know, help has always been slow in coming. I'm sure each of you can relate to my difficulties on that front.
Not only that, I also started smoking cigarettes. I hadn't smoked in years, but I read that nicotine can bring temporarily pain relief. And approximately 75% of the time, it does. It doesn't help much when the pain is super serious, but when it's only a 5 on the scale of 10, smoking does seem to help for 20 or 30 minutes at a time.
The thing is, I cannot smoke marijuana exclusively, or I would. As it turns out, I've already had two panic / anxiety attacks due to its effects. And really, I do not want to be high on drugs, even if they are legal.
So I started out with the marijuana lollipops, and augmented those with the cigarettes and other marijuana products. Today I purchased gummy bears.
I'm not high right now, I'm just a little bit cold. I do have the space heater, but I need to turn it off while I'm sleeping. I mean, perhaps I do not. But I'm not interested in starting a fire of any sort.
And I almost forgot to mention, we've had the coldest 7 days that I can remember - probably 2007 was that year. Upper 20s three or four different nights.
By the way, the marijuana is making me occasionally stupid. Dull. Unmotivated.
Oh
So I may have mentioned this before, but they finally figured out my SSI monthly stipend (in the neighborhood of $900). And since I hadn't had any spending money since 2013, I decided to spend $88 on music downloads. Some of these songs and albums had been on my list for the greater portion of a decade.
The genres are almost exclusively metal. Because that's been my mindset. The pain makes my mind aggressive. The aggressive music absolves my inclination towards aggressiveness.
So, the following bands are on my immediate future listening agenda (list provided simply for the reason that you have a feel for their band names):
Ekpyrosis
Nightmarer
Noneuclid
OXXO XOOX
Pensees Nocturnes
Pryapisme
Schizoid Lloyd
Sebkha-Chott
Scepticflesh
Triptykon
Varials
Wormed
And six additional Jute Gyte albums (at $3 a pop)
I absolutely do not recommend any of these bands for you, unless you are into psychedelic black metal, any of the metalcore(s), or technical metal variations.
On my way to the marijuana dispensary this afternoon, a guy in an SUV pulled over and stopped me.
“You want me to buy you some food, some dinner?”
He assumed I was homeless. Which I guess, is how I look right now. Heck, I'm probably pushing 115 lb, hoping the free fall has ceased. Because really, humans can survive on 800 calories a day. I've done it before, so doing it right now ain't no big deal.
And speaking of pain, and the inability to ingest sustenance, I am set for a nerve block on February 1st. Of course, the doctor did not explain any of the procedural or diagnostic details with me. So I've been doing my own research.
And it seems as though the procedure will be somewhat painful, as I cannot receive an IV sedative, because they do not have the technologically necessary equipment to give me an IV. I require ultrasound in order to place the needle. But whatever, they said they could give me a local.
I mean, how badly can it hurt?
Diagnose Me
By the way, my medical self diagnosis is Abdominal Cutaneous Nerve Entrapment Syndrome (ACNES). That's got to be it. The entire upper left quadrant underneath the rib cage feels bruised. And it's probable the nerve is entrapped in and around my stoma area, as a result of the procedure completed last February, where they replaced my feeding tube. That's when this sorta pain began, and also began increasing by the day.
I'm also aiming to see an acupuncturist sometime soon. I found a couple community acupuncturists who have a sliding fee scale. Maybe 30 bucks for an appointment. Conveniently located.
Kids Being Kids
Ummm …. A good thing is that my 5-year-old step grandson came to visit this afternoon. And I took him for a walk through the interior of the complex. He ended up playing a quick round of football with some of the older kids. He doesn't know the rules, and really just ran around in circles, but what the heck, why not?
In any case, I had fun spending time with him - even though it reminded me of the fun times ahead of my son before this illness struck me down (as well as the decade worth of fun times I missed while he was growing up, too busy being deathly ill). We used to play in the same exact grassy area, throwing the football around, the baseball, that sort of thing.
That's all I'm going to write for right now. Time to shut off the heat and shut off my brain.
I've got a few thousand words covering New Year's and engagements with some of the locals, but that requires proofreading. Perhaps this requires proof reading as well, but I'm not in that mindset. My mouth is getting slow. My eyelids are drooping. And I finally found a physician that may allow me to slip into unconsciousness. Not a physician, a position. And why not a possession? Or a procession? I need to march. Down the boulevard. The Dirty Boulevard. Something Lou Reed once sung before he died. Not that I'm a big fan of that song. “Walk on the Wild Side” and "This Magic Moment" are the two songs of his I really liked though.
Alright then people, hang in there. I'm surviving. So are you. And usually, I work towards being the best person that I can possibly be, but I've put that on hold of late. So perhaps y'all can do that for me.
Take care,
Howard Cha
P.S. I owe some of you responses to the comments and the previous blog entry, so I haven't forgotten. Or maybe I did forget. Few times. But now I remember. But the marijuana makes me forget. Yes, I will blame the marijuana for everything from now on and going forward. When I'm going backwards, however, I will Blame It on Rio!
- 1:53 A.M.
Cold Palm Trees
Cold Sunset
Another Cold Occasion
