• Phoenix Rising needs funds to operate: please consider donating to support PR

Excruciating insecurities smash my fleeting moment of energy, while students live down to their reputation.

For a brief sunlit moment my energy levels picked up, I know precisely why, my friend Jenna. Things were going so well, I felt incredibly close to her and I loved every moment I spent with her, until I pushed it too far.

A coincidence of a night planned out, that she forgot and a gap in my day on Wednesday, when I asked if she was free to get lunch. This suddenly gave the impression of an avalanche of contact. Her response to my request for lunch was 'why don't you just do work'. In that moment it felt like she saw me as a creep trying to constantly hang around her.

It is perfectly possible that I got it wrong, but she has subsequently cancelled for tonight's game night, and in my gut I just feel awful. She is supposed to be coming to Thursday's comedy night, but she could cancel and I am seriously considering not going. This just hurts right now, and I just want to avoid her.

This has happened before when I have tried too hard and it gets read in the wrong light. This time I was just enjoying her company and I honestly don't know if I like her more than just a friend.

This was followed by a joyful interview conducted by a fellow student, who showed the standard ignorance of someone who is close-minded, and stated that my low energy levels were down purely to a lack of motivation, not bothering to ask why I was always tired.

I struggle to understand people at times, isn’t a journalist student supposed to be curious and ask questions, so why did he give his opinion, rather than ask the obvious question?

Last week there was a crash outside my halls of accommodation, an idiot student driver tried to overtake when there was a bit of snow that turned into sludge on the road. They duly rolled their car, with two fire engines coming to the aid of the driver, luckily the driver wasn't injured.

Understanding the logic of my fellow students seems to bypass me at times, maybe it is me, I don’t know. This world just continues to fail me, especially when my energy levels are so reliant on others, and now the chance of this person giving me energy, has now seemingly gone, along potentially with their friendship.

Comments

So many life issues can pile on at once--so many disappointments. I feel them deeply too, maybe I think because of this disease. It makes it harder to bounce back as quickly but understand that all people go through this to some degree too. Some are just more adept at quickly putting the mask back into place, so to speak.

I struggle to understand people at times, isn’t a journalist student supposed to be curious and ask questions, so why did he give his opinion, rather than ask the obvious question?
It's hard too to be on the receiving end of an unfair judgement. I've had good friends call me a hypochondriac and others just look at me like I'm lazy not understanding that I am pushing to do my absolute best all of the time.

One thing I've learned is that PWME (people with ME) learn to push when there is "no fuel" in the tank. We develop a hidden resilience because of this disease. The "car" stops working and we just get out and push the "car" instead. People who have a regenerating supply of fuel don't understand this. They just step on the gas peddle and go--easy-peasy--so they can't understand the effort you are putting forth just to show up each day.

I give you a lot of credit for going back to school. It takes both physical and mental strength. It's also a bit of a lonely world meaning you have to go on your own strength when others appear to have people to lean on. That's another hard thing. I remember that when I was in school too.

Are there any groups there for disabled people that you could join? Maybe you don't want to but they might be more understanding of what you are going though. Or another thought: If you are observant you can sometimes see the mask slip off of others who are experiencing the pain and loneliness of school life too and carefully find a way to show yourself friendly to them and in that way develop friendships there. It's not a guarantee of success but it would make you feel better about yourself by reaching out to others. It takes pretending sometimes that you're not shy--something I've had to do too. Which is okay sometimes. Just don't forget to be yourself too. Also don't become a door mat or that can be taking it too much to the opposite extreme and there will be plenty of people to take advantage of you.

Unfortunately, in any advice offered there are no guarantees for sucess because life has too many variables. I forget if it was YippeeKi YOW !! ee
or Rufous McKinney who said it, but they said they use the term "Oh well." a lot to get through the hard times. It tells your brain that this is one of those times and maybe lets you move on to living past the disappointment a bit faster.

I also use prayer. That helps me when I feel like no one else understands.

Anyway, I hope you find some help in something I have said. I hope things improve for you soon.

Judee
 
So many life issues can pile on at once--so many disappointments. I feel them deeply too, maybe I think because of this disease. It makes it harder to bounce back as quickly but understand that all people go through this to some degree too. Some are just more adept at quickly putting the mask back into place, so to speak.
Definitely! I just can't seem to cope at times, my CFS just seems to work in combination with my insecurities, to just make things worse. It is frustrating, I miss being able to throw myself into sport.

It's hard too to be on the receiving end of an unfair judgement. I've had good friends call me a hypochondriac and others just look at me like I'm lazy not understanding that I am pushing to do my absolute best all of the time.
Luckily I haven't really been on the receiving end of much harsh judgement. He is just a teenage student, who doesn't know any better. All I can do is just control my actions and not worry about other peoples opinion. I am sorry that you had that experience with your good friends.

I give you a lot of credit for going back to school. It takes both physical and mental strength. It's also a bit of a lonely world meaning you have to go on your own strength when others appear to have people to lean on. That's another hard thing. I remember that when I was in school too.

Are there any groups there for disabled people that you could join? Maybe you don't want to but they might be more understanding of what you are going though.
It was a gamble, one that hasn't paid off, as of yet. I felt I had to go to uni, as my life was drifting.

I honestly don't know if I misread the situation. I think I probably need to find a way to move past this thought process and to re-establish our friendship. I have known her since the start of the year, and it is so easy for me to interpret things in this bad way, due to my insecurities.

My only true friend has got chronic health issues, so I am glad to have him, but I do need more friends. There is one society at uni I am looking at joining, and that is the Christian society, not because I am particularly religious, but I imagine them to be open, kind and considerate. I don't think there are any societies for those with long term health issues.

Thank you for commenting, writing this reply has helped me to clarify my thoughts, and find a bit of positivity.
 

Blog entry information

Author
carvahlo
Views
391
Comments
2
Last update

More entries in User Blogs

More entries from carvahlo