(Tuesday)
20 Minutes
That's the total amount of time I spent supporting the weight of my very own (heavy) head today. In comparison, my historic Daily Head Support Average (over the past seven years) equals two minutes or so. And that involves utilizing the commode.
Beyond that encouraging achievement, I spent over an hour sitting nearly upright in my geriatric chair, rather than slouching far down, as per usual (and fully necessary as not to inspire exhaustion). The chair is at a reclined angle, but even so, my head is well above the level of my feet. Despite enduring all of that, I experienced no dizziness or undue tiredness as a result of my day's efforts.
The thing is… I've been pushing myself a lot harder of late, motivated by the enlivening physical pain (and subsequent anger) I am now often experiencing. But so too is my energy increasing, even considering the decreased caloric intake and lack of quality sleep in recent weeks.
Yes. For me, anger has always been a motivating factor. I know how (and am willing) to physically push myself anyway. That's never been an issue. But right now, my fists are clenched, and I am raring to go. I'm ready to do some damage.
Sourcing the Sun
That's been my only change, the only change in my daily ritual… having been outdoors daily (having averaged 6 hours of direct sunlight exposure) since early November 2021. My intention from the get-go was to expose myself to as much direct sunlight as humanly possible in order to raise my Vitamin D level. But everybody already knows this… my intentions and stated goal. So…
I am rather curious though, as to my current numbers. And also, how high and how far I can push my Vitamin D level. A certain somebody has suggested attempting the Coimbra Protocol, which I've been recently contemplating (massive daily Vitamin D supplementation and other vitamins, closely monitored by a doctor, who as of yet does not exist).
But first off, let's see how far this direct sunlight exposure carries me.
Apple Essence
Someone besides Betsy showered me yesterday. That's an important milestone, because prior to this momentous event, nobody else was willing to put forth that kind of total effort. And that's been a problem for me. We only get two shower days per week, and I rather enjoy the experience.
Mine are scheduled for Sunday and Wednesday. So, if Betsy doesn't work either or both of those days, I go without. But yesterday, Nurse Raleigh put her foot down. Well, both feet down.
The end result? Everclean fragrant blissful relaxation ex-post-facto.
A.S. (after-shower)
The pain scale went underutilized yesterday, meaning.. fewer severe incidents having shorter duration. What I did (and what I am doing) instead is leave my area open and exposed. And each time there's a burning leakage, I am quick to action, dabbing it up.
Enduring Nobody
I've been socializing at a bare minimum of late. And it's not by choice, but maybe people sense things. I mean, it's still pretty much everybody seeing me, but the conversational duration has been notably shortened. Plus, less involvement. Less intensity.
And it's been suggested that those in and around me are possibly sensing my physical discomfort. And much due to this, do not wish to spend as much time with me. Although there may be myriad other reasons, of course.
Then again, each day I am NOT observed as having been outside in the courtyard (staying in bed due mostly to recent complications), there's a subtle underlying panic amongst staff and residents, here on the range.
"What's happened to Howard now?"
People are used to seeing me. So each time I fail to appear they assume I've been whisked away to the hospital again. Or worse. I am responsible for others in that way. A small portion of their well being is reliant upon mine. It seems. In a sense. I suppose.
Bile Burn / Nerve Splurge
Finally the wound care nurse came to see me out in the courtyard yesterday. The pain had become too intense to bear.. yes, truly intensely agonizing, at times.
WOW and OWWW! Meditate. Focus on the pain. Because…
Pain is merely a one way message to the brain, something to make us aware of the trouble.. the particular area is seeking attention. To focus on the pain is to acknowledge its existence, so that maybe the pain signal stops sending.
Razor sharp, it feels as though I am …
Not necessary. Details aren't. I'll save those for the "worst selling novel" version of my recovery. We're all in pain. Life sometimes hurts.
Additionally, I may just be particularly sensitive to pain as a result of my bodily nerve damage related to my inability to process Vitamin D effectively and efficiently (note: my recent research indicates it's a real thing) - so everything pain related may well be imagined! Or enhanced by my naturally heightened sensitivity to across-the-board stimuli.
A Parallelogram Universe
Anyway, Wound Care Nurse is my Former Person. The woman who months ago dumped me. And yes. You've read that right.
In essence, her size, shape, personality, the way she finds motivation, and especially her language presentation (including linguistic command) are eerily similar. I've been witnessing and / or occasionally interacting with Wound Care Nurse since last October.
Recognizing this intuitively, a subtle kind of fear AND attraction existed from Day 1. In the interim, we did once have an intense hour-long everlasting conversation. I kept wanting the conversation to end, and also.. continue.
Really, I know not what to do with her specific type. And yes, there's a type. Many types. Types in Cohesion. Easy Fits. Temporary Fixes.
I need to further explore my personal attractions.. delve deeper into my weaknesses, willingly seek out blind spots and repair gaping holes in my confounding logic.
So yesterday was a day of knowing anticipation, and convoluted fear. Of looking forward and back, simultaneously.
And it's ironic that this wound care person would be snuffing out my pain.. while the other person did much the opposite.
So she takes a look at my unfortunate area, and in so doing, cops a pose. A bend. A stretch. A subtle tilt of the head. Mysterious dark eyes inviting me in. But I fight back. I ignore her touch, her unnecessary glancing physical contact after the fact.
Of course, she knows. At least, she likely knows and senses enough to be dangerous to me. Meanwhile, my intuitive self is overwhelmed. I know this person intimately. Yet, I truly do not. I exhale. I breathe. Awkward words flow out of my mouth. I am no longer clever nor at all amusing.
She's becoming an obstacle to my future sanity. Maybe if I reach out and touch her, my truth shall be revealed.
Of course, the actual Former Person just emailed me in regards to a smattering of my past belongings residing at her residence. It's been a month since the last communique.
UGH… the heat / air-conditioning just came on again, blasting through the vent over my bed! It's 77 mildly stuffy degrees inside this room cocoon at 419am. I am already perspiring slightly, despite only having a plain white sheet draped across my mid-section. So it absolutely CANNOT be The Heat, right? No sane person would request such a thing in this very instance, would they?
Indeed. It seems we have a hopped-up thermostat junky in our midst. There's been incessant on/off action in recent days, driving me mad. Just like that Beatles song (She's so Heavy?).
Yes. It's The HEAT!
So now with minimal efforts my window is flung open.. cool air terminating the sweat. I am enlivened. It's 58° out there. So the cool air current divides and conquers the unnecessary warmth adhering to my skin.
Friday Shorts
93° did me in today at 133pm. So it seems I can handle up to 90° or so before the heat gets too overwhelming. That means I'll likely be done with my All-day Sun Exposure and Outdoor Solitude Experiment in the coming weeks.
(@lenora - no alternate indoor arrangements in place)
By the way, I've been sent gifts from afar, which I'll get into next time. In the next exciting blog entry.
Ohhhh. Now I am listening to the Ultramix of Godflrsh's song "Crush My Soul" - which has me movin' and groovin' on my mattress - so yes, another fine example of my physical improving (genre = industrial techno metal)
4:21:36
That's what time it is right now. And clearly (once again), I am awake way too flipping early on a Saturday morning. And right now in this varied moment, I am almost remembering what it was like to sleep uninterrupted. Back then. Heck. Last year. With the person who didn't love me. Amidst a hopeless situation… ugh
So, is this worse? Probably not. I can cope with the flickering all-night blue light television, but sometimes…
Tonight Nurse Never-Shows-Up (to help with my nightly feed bag change out) distributed meds to my roommate at 121am. Nice. Good. Better late than never. Fine. Whatever. Nothing to see here -
But at that time, my roommate told her that he'd made a mess in his bed. So in turn, the Nurse said she'd hail the CNA, conveying the sense of urgency. Well, apparently she did not.. until three hours later, after my roommate pushed his red "help me" button. That's when the commotion officially began. That's when the nurse came into the room and began deflecting, and joking loudly while insincerely apologizing. Yes, an invertible funfest began in earnest at an ungodly hour. Voices disturbing, despite the engaged earplugs, ear muffs, portable fan, television, and … the F****** HEAT IS BACK ON!!!
Please. Don't mind me… feeling flabbergasted and feeling flambé'd.
It's 8:55 a.m. and I just got the CNA to turn the heat off. Hip hip f***** hooray!!! LOL
Saturday Evening Post Mortem
A night of air-conditioning was had by all. Those incapable of enjoying cool air were blanketed from toe to head. And then blanketed again, by my command.. a thorough draping of the eminent shroud celebrated from corridor to hall and throughout a unit, its members displaced by time and toil.. feebly fending off their own demise.
So now with my thoughts summarily gathered, my aim to post becometh true, in the fairer sense.
Take care,
Howard
The Hollowed Halls -
*probably nothing any of you would do well listening to, except maybe Rufous!
Loud. Pummeling. Repetitive. Heavy as Heck. And one of the very few songs I can / could dance to!
NOT CFS / M.E. friendly!!!
20 Minutes
That's the total amount of time I spent supporting the weight of my very own (heavy) head today. In comparison, my historic Daily Head Support Average (over the past seven years) equals two minutes or so. And that involves utilizing the commode.
Beyond that encouraging achievement, I spent over an hour sitting nearly upright in my geriatric chair, rather than slouching far down, as per usual (and fully necessary as not to inspire exhaustion). The chair is at a reclined angle, but even so, my head is well above the level of my feet. Despite enduring all of that, I experienced no dizziness or undue tiredness as a result of my day's efforts.
The thing is… I've been pushing myself a lot harder of late, motivated by the enlivening physical pain (and subsequent anger) I am now often experiencing. But so too is my energy increasing, even considering the decreased caloric intake and lack of quality sleep in recent weeks.
Yes. For me, anger has always been a motivating factor. I know how (and am willing) to physically push myself anyway. That's never been an issue. But right now, my fists are clenched, and I am raring to go. I'm ready to do some damage.
Sourcing the Sun
That's been my only change, the only change in my daily ritual… having been outdoors daily (having averaged 6 hours of direct sunlight exposure) since early November 2021. My intention from the get-go was to expose myself to as much direct sunlight as humanly possible in order to raise my Vitamin D level. But everybody already knows this… my intentions and stated goal. So…
I am rather curious though, as to my current numbers. And also, how high and how far I can push my Vitamin D level. A certain somebody has suggested attempting the Coimbra Protocol, which I've been recently contemplating (massive daily Vitamin D supplementation and other vitamins, closely monitored by a doctor, who as of yet does not exist).
But first off, let's see how far this direct sunlight exposure carries me.
Apple Essence
Someone besides Betsy showered me yesterday. That's an important milestone, because prior to this momentous event, nobody else was willing to put forth that kind of total effort. And that's been a problem for me. We only get two shower days per week, and I rather enjoy the experience.
Mine are scheduled for Sunday and Wednesday. So, if Betsy doesn't work either or both of those days, I go without. But yesterday, Nurse Raleigh put her foot down. Well, both feet down.
The end result? Everclean fragrant blissful relaxation ex-post-facto.
A.S. (after-shower)
The pain scale went underutilized yesterday, meaning.. fewer severe incidents having shorter duration. What I did (and what I am doing) instead is leave my area open and exposed. And each time there's a burning leakage, I am quick to action, dabbing it up.
Enduring Nobody
I've been socializing at a bare minimum of late. And it's not by choice, but maybe people sense things. I mean, it's still pretty much everybody seeing me, but the conversational duration has been notably shortened. Plus, less involvement. Less intensity.
And it's been suggested that those in and around me are possibly sensing my physical discomfort. And much due to this, do not wish to spend as much time with me. Although there may be myriad other reasons, of course.
Then again, each day I am NOT observed as having been outside in the courtyard (staying in bed due mostly to recent complications), there's a subtle underlying panic amongst staff and residents, here on the range.
"What's happened to Howard now?"
People are used to seeing me. So each time I fail to appear they assume I've been whisked away to the hospital again. Or worse. I am responsible for others in that way. A small portion of their well being is reliant upon mine. It seems. In a sense. I suppose.
Bile Burn / Nerve Splurge
Finally the wound care nurse came to see me out in the courtyard yesterday. The pain had become too intense to bear.. yes, truly intensely agonizing, at times.
WOW and OWWW! Meditate. Focus on the pain. Because…
Pain is merely a one way message to the brain, something to make us aware of the trouble.. the particular area is seeking attention. To focus on the pain is to acknowledge its existence, so that maybe the pain signal stops sending.
Razor sharp, it feels as though I am …
Not necessary. Details aren't. I'll save those for the "worst selling novel" version of my recovery. We're all in pain. Life sometimes hurts.
Additionally, I may just be particularly sensitive to pain as a result of my bodily nerve damage related to my inability to process Vitamin D effectively and efficiently (note: my recent research indicates it's a real thing) - so everything pain related may well be imagined! Or enhanced by my naturally heightened sensitivity to across-the-board stimuli.
A Parallelogram Universe
Anyway, Wound Care Nurse is my Former Person. The woman who months ago dumped me. And yes. You've read that right.
In essence, her size, shape, personality, the way she finds motivation, and especially her language presentation (including linguistic command) are eerily similar. I've been witnessing and / or occasionally interacting with Wound Care Nurse since last October.
Recognizing this intuitively, a subtle kind of fear AND attraction existed from Day 1. In the interim, we did once have an intense hour-long everlasting conversation. I kept wanting the conversation to end, and also.. continue.
Really, I know not what to do with her specific type. And yes, there's a type. Many types. Types in Cohesion. Easy Fits. Temporary Fixes.
I need to further explore my personal attractions.. delve deeper into my weaknesses, willingly seek out blind spots and repair gaping holes in my confounding logic.
So yesterday was a day of knowing anticipation, and convoluted fear. Of looking forward and back, simultaneously.
And it's ironic that this wound care person would be snuffing out my pain.. while the other person did much the opposite.
So she takes a look at my unfortunate area, and in so doing, cops a pose. A bend. A stretch. A subtle tilt of the head. Mysterious dark eyes inviting me in. But I fight back. I ignore her touch, her unnecessary glancing physical contact after the fact.
Of course, she knows. At least, she likely knows and senses enough to be dangerous to me. Meanwhile, my intuitive self is overwhelmed. I know this person intimately. Yet, I truly do not. I exhale. I breathe. Awkward words flow out of my mouth. I am no longer clever nor at all amusing.
She's becoming an obstacle to my future sanity. Maybe if I reach out and touch her, my truth shall be revealed.
Of course, the actual Former Person just emailed me in regards to a smattering of my past belongings residing at her residence. It's been a month since the last communique.
UGH… the heat / air-conditioning just came on again, blasting through the vent over my bed! It's 77 mildly stuffy degrees inside this room cocoon at 419am. I am already perspiring slightly, despite only having a plain white sheet draped across my mid-section. So it absolutely CANNOT be The Heat, right? No sane person would request such a thing in this very instance, would they?
Indeed. It seems we have a hopped-up thermostat junky in our midst. There's been incessant on/off action in recent days, driving me mad. Just like that Beatles song (She's so Heavy?).
Yes. It's The HEAT!
So now with minimal efforts my window is flung open.. cool air terminating the sweat. I am enlivened. It's 58° out there. So the cool air current divides and conquers the unnecessary warmth adhering to my skin.
Friday Shorts
93° did me in today at 133pm. So it seems I can handle up to 90° or so before the heat gets too overwhelming. That means I'll likely be done with my All-day Sun Exposure and Outdoor Solitude Experiment in the coming weeks.
(@lenora - no alternate indoor arrangements in place)
By the way, I've been sent gifts from afar, which I'll get into next time. In the next exciting blog entry.
Ohhhh. Now I am listening to the Ultramix of Godflrsh's song "Crush My Soul" - which has me movin' and groovin' on my mattress - so yes, another fine example of my physical improving (genre = industrial techno metal)
4:21:36
That's what time it is right now. And clearly (once again), I am awake way too flipping early on a Saturday morning. And right now in this varied moment, I am almost remembering what it was like to sleep uninterrupted. Back then. Heck. Last year. With the person who didn't love me. Amidst a hopeless situation… ugh
So, is this worse? Probably not. I can cope with the flickering all-night blue light television, but sometimes…
Tonight Nurse Never-Shows-Up (to help with my nightly feed bag change out) distributed meds to my roommate at 121am. Nice. Good. Better late than never. Fine. Whatever. Nothing to see here -
But at that time, my roommate told her that he'd made a mess in his bed. So in turn, the Nurse said she'd hail the CNA, conveying the sense of urgency. Well, apparently she did not.. until three hours later, after my roommate pushed his red "help me" button. That's when the commotion officially began. That's when the nurse came into the room and began deflecting, and joking loudly while insincerely apologizing. Yes, an invertible funfest began in earnest at an ungodly hour. Voices disturbing, despite the engaged earplugs, ear muffs, portable fan, television, and … the F****** HEAT IS BACK ON!!!
Please. Don't mind me… feeling flabbergasted and feeling flambé'd.
It's 8:55 a.m. and I just got the CNA to turn the heat off. Hip hip f***** hooray!!! LOL
Saturday Evening Post Mortem
A night of air-conditioning was had by all. Those incapable of enjoying cool air were blanketed from toe to head. And then blanketed again, by my command.. a thorough draping of the eminent shroud celebrated from corridor to hall and throughout a unit, its members displaced by time and toil.. feebly fending off their own demise.
So now with my thoughts summarily gathered, my aim to post becometh true, in the fairer sense.
Take care,
Howard
The Hollowed Halls -
*probably nothing any of you would do well listening to, except maybe Rufous!
Loud. Pummeling. Repetitive. Heavy as Heck. And one of the very few songs I can / could dance to!
NOT CFS / M.E. friendly!!!
