***trigger warning****
Sadness has been revisiting me these days...
Mixed with a deep grief and near total surrender...
Or maybe, the deep grief is asking me to surrender..
"over and over again"
I have come so far. I really have. Even though there is no physical evidence of that yet as i remain bedridden.
In 2020 during this same time, i was deeply unwell physically and mentally. I have documented how so much started returning to me just after getting my cells the appropriate vitamins. Such deep deficiencies can cause very very altered states. Thats a nice way to put it. Lets leave it nice since the other way of describing what happens to ones brain when it is starved of what it needs....isn't as pretty.
I remember i listened to this song as i could over and over that fall. I was left alone 29 days total that year. I was alone quite a bit that fall. No hired help. No helpers that fall. A pack of water on the bed and my premade 7 foods in the fridge that i ate if i could access it. cold. On those lucky moments i could be upright...barely...I mostly didn't think i would make it anymore that year due to the fact my body was having obvious signs of shutting down. I was sad i had to die all alone....after trying so f****** hard.
I listened to this song over and over and would often go into these periods of just imaging myself disappearing into woods and slipping into a swamp or off a cliff. It was my only release at that level of pain. I was in deep grief of having pieces of a mind that saw glimpses of organized thoughts of how they wanted to go to apple orchards with their children, or sit upright at a table with their children and hold a fork and eat from a plate but i just instead heard their comings and goings. I heard their lives lived from another room, in the dark. I missed people around me that had died. I couldn't even say goodbye to them.....in a way society does. By congregating to a funeral. I was so misunderstood. How could someone THIS sick with so much cellular dysfunction be this misunderstood? As i had desperately tried what seemed like everything to heal to only end up severely unwell and quite near abandoned...this song just let me be. She held me when i couldn't hold myself anymore. She let me fall apart. She gave me a space to unravel and let out deep grief. She was my safe space when a very injured part of me would appear to want to be released from its prison.
So, today, i heard this song for the first time in a few years and i realized. Yes, i am a visitor in sadness's desolate desert right now. PTSD has been loud last month. But, i mostly do not have permanent residence here anymore. Mostly. I will let myself feel what needs to be felt even if i can only handle 5% of that capacity right now. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for this evening. I recognize old signs and guideposts for what they are. I also thank those of you for reaching out to me with how you cope under duress and difficult times in the post i recently posted. It helps.
I do not believe in judging my emotions anymore.
Hence, why i am sharing my journey right now.
"slow down to look around, i need to learn to breathe again....i try, over and over again"
This woman is in Sharon Van Etten's band, she also does her own thing. I'm grateful for some of her music.
Embrace the shadows. Don't run. We are all dark and light.
I also read this paragraph the other day and it activated a force within me:
"Want only what is true.
This will lead you to the well of your deepest sorrows.
Follow that passageway, all the way down;
Become the dark emptiness of your absent core.
Be still. Let the waiting become a fire.
Be still. Let the fire show you its secret heart;
A strand of clear light running through you.
Gather yourself there, and the luminous universe opens.
In that vast expanse, fathomless, infinite ocean of light, lose yourself,
and find yourself, and become what you already are."
- from Hare in the Moon
Sadness has been revisiting me these days...
Mixed with a deep grief and near total surrender...
Or maybe, the deep grief is asking me to surrender..
"over and over again"
I have come so far. I really have. Even though there is no physical evidence of that yet as i remain bedridden.
In 2020 during this same time, i was deeply unwell physically and mentally. I have documented how so much started returning to me just after getting my cells the appropriate vitamins. Such deep deficiencies can cause very very altered states. Thats a nice way to put it. Lets leave it nice since the other way of describing what happens to ones brain when it is starved of what it needs....isn't as pretty.
I remember i listened to this song as i could over and over that fall. I was left alone 29 days total that year. I was alone quite a bit that fall. No hired help. No helpers that fall. A pack of water on the bed and my premade 7 foods in the fridge that i ate if i could access it. cold. On those lucky moments i could be upright...barely...I mostly didn't think i would make it anymore that year due to the fact my body was having obvious signs of shutting down. I was sad i had to die all alone....after trying so f****** hard.
I listened to this song over and over and would often go into these periods of just imaging myself disappearing into woods and slipping into a swamp or off a cliff. It was my only release at that level of pain. I was in deep grief of having pieces of a mind that saw glimpses of organized thoughts of how they wanted to go to apple orchards with their children, or sit upright at a table with their children and hold a fork and eat from a plate but i just instead heard their comings and goings. I heard their lives lived from another room, in the dark. I missed people around me that had died. I couldn't even say goodbye to them.....in a way society does. By congregating to a funeral. I was so misunderstood. How could someone THIS sick with so much cellular dysfunction be this misunderstood? As i had desperately tried what seemed like everything to heal to only end up severely unwell and quite near abandoned...this song just let me be. She held me when i couldn't hold myself anymore. She let me fall apart. She gave me a space to unravel and let out deep grief. She was my safe space when a very injured part of me would appear to want to be released from its prison.
So, today, i heard this song for the first time in a few years and i realized. Yes, i am a visitor in sadness's desolate desert right now. PTSD has been loud last month. But, i mostly do not have permanent residence here anymore. Mostly. I will let myself feel what needs to be felt even if i can only handle 5% of that capacity right now. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for this evening. I recognize old signs and guideposts for what they are. I also thank those of you for reaching out to me with how you cope under duress and difficult times in the post i recently posted. It helps.
I do not believe in judging my emotions anymore.
Hence, why i am sharing my journey right now.
"slow down to look around, i need to learn to breathe again....i try, over and over again"
This woman is in Sharon Van Etten's band, she also does her own thing. I'm grateful for some of her music.
Embrace the shadows. Don't run. We are all dark and light.
I also read this paragraph the other day and it activated a force within me:
"Want only what is true.
This will lead you to the well of your deepest sorrows.
Follow that passageway, all the way down;
Become the dark emptiness of your absent core.
Be still. Let the waiting become a fire.
Be still. Let the fire show you its secret heart;
A strand of clear light running through you.
Gather yourself there, and the luminous universe opens.
In that vast expanse, fathomless, infinite ocean of light, lose yourself,
and find yourself, and become what you already are."
- from Hare in the Moon
