i try

***trigger warning****

Sadness has been revisiting me these days...
Mixed with a deep grief and near total surrender...
Or maybe, the deep grief is asking me to surrender..
"over and over again"

I have come so far. I really have. Even though there is no physical evidence of that yet as i remain bedridden.
In 2020 during this same time, i was deeply unwell physically and mentally. I have documented how so much started returning to me just after getting my cells the appropriate vitamins. Such deep deficiencies can cause very very altered states. Thats a nice way to put it. Lets leave it nice since the other way of describing what happens to ones brain when it is starved of what it needs....isn't as pretty.

I remember i listened to this song as i could over and over that fall. I was left alone 29 days total that year. I was alone quite a bit that fall. No hired help. No helpers that fall. A pack of water on the bed and my premade 7 foods in the fridge that i ate if i could access it. cold. On those lucky moments i could be upright...barely...I mostly didn't think i would make it anymore that year due to the fact my body was having obvious signs of shutting down. I was sad i had to die all alone....after trying so f****** hard.

I listened to this song over and over and would often go into these periods of just imaging myself disappearing into woods and slipping into a swamp or off a cliff. It was my only release at that level of pain. I was in deep grief of having pieces of a mind that saw glimpses of organized thoughts of how they wanted to go to apple orchards with their children, or sit upright at a table with their children and hold a fork and eat from a plate but i just instead heard their comings and goings. I heard their lives lived from another room, in the dark. I missed people around me that had died. I couldn't even say goodbye to them.....in a way society does. By congregating to a funeral. I was so misunderstood. How could someone THIS sick with so much cellular dysfunction be this misunderstood? As i had desperately tried what seemed like everything to heal to only end up severely unwell and quite near abandoned...this song just let me be. She held me when i couldn't hold myself anymore. She let me fall apart. She gave me a space to unravel and let out deep grief. She was my safe space when a very injured part of me would appear to want to be released from its prison.

So, today, i heard this song for the first time in a few years and i realized. Yes, i am a visitor in sadness's desolate desert right now. PTSD has been loud last month. But, i mostly do not have permanent residence here anymore. Mostly. I will let myself feel what needs to be felt even if i can only handle 5% of that capacity right now. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for this evening. I recognize old signs and guideposts for what they are. I also thank those of you for reaching out to me with how you cope under duress and difficult times in the post i recently posted. It helps.

I do not believe in judging my emotions anymore.
Hence, why i am sharing my journey right now.

"slow down to look around, i need to learn to breathe again....i try, over and over again"
This woman is in Sharon Van Etten's band, she also does her own thing. I'm grateful for some of her music.

Embrace the shadows. Don't run. We are all dark and light.
I also read this paragraph the other day and it activated a force within me:

"Want only what is true.
This will lead you to the well of your deepest sorrows.
Follow that passageway, all the way down;
Become the dark emptiness of your absent core.
Be still. Let the waiting become a fire.
Be still. Let the fire show you its secret heart;
A strand of clear light running through you.
Gather yourself there, and the luminous universe opens.
In that vast expanse, fathomless, infinite ocean of light, lose yourself,
and find yourself, and become what you already are."

- from Hare in the Moon


ah, this too..

Further north than where I spent the year
At the edge of the cape, feet swinging in the atmosphere
A stilling wind, thick with fear
Picked up all the tiny pieces to redeposit them here
A stilling wind

How did you slow the time?
And disappear so quickly
Aa mystery wrapped up in night
You stilled the wind, showed me mine
With no eyes to zero in on to help me trust my sight
You stilled the wind

Have I changed yet?
I went away
Have I changed yet?
Or do my habits still remain?
In the cold moon
Lighting the night filled bay
I saw the white hare
'Oh dear I will be too late'

A stilling wind
I"m struggling alot at the moment. So much it took everything I have to read the paragraph 3 in your composition.

So misunderstood.

I can't make sense out of it, myself. Yet I expect others to at least slightly grasp what this all entails.

Surrender includes No Further Action. At least for now, at the moment...that needs to include No Further Judging.
yes, rufous, just allowing the waves to be what they are..
sadness is really just trapped energy that wants to be released
but sometimes the feeling and releasing is SOOOO much for humans.

I also feel we clear ancestral emotions/patterns each generation, some of us seem to be a torchbearer moreso than others..in conjunction to our own life's trials and tribulations.

so, by letting it be, it becomes what it needs to, all of these things know what to do if we just stop resisting. The universe is intelligent, we know this. We rarely trust this but deep inside of our bones....we know this. release. surrender the resist.
I'm sorry you're suffering at this time @sunshine44....sorry, but not surprised.

Do you have any helpers at all at the moment? Even a hot meal once in a while would be good, wouldn't it?

Yes, music also saves me, the same song over and over again...someone understands, "gets it," or at least we hope. Right now a fave of mine is folk (a recurring theme) b/c most of them are written by the singers themselves....poets really. You often have to read their stories of the songs in order to make some sense out of them, but I do find them comforting.

I'm a lot older than you so have lost a great many people. It hurts at odd times, and probably always will. Well, that's not true, my father has been gone for 41 years now and memories of him are good ones. But how many of us have all those years to come to terms with death? (I was 14 when he died and really, my mother and the rest of us suffered as a result of it). He's at peace, of that I'm sure, but he's also still very much alive in my memories.

Lean on us for support while you're listening to your music; cry if you want to, cuddle your daughter.....do whatever feels best. I'm sorry. Many of us will pray for you....that's best. At least it's comforting and something good is going into the universe. Yours, Lenora
Good morning, Sunshine.....It occurred to me that another animal show you may enjoy is THE YORKSHIRE VET on Amazon Prime.

Sometimes it's centered around the surgery (animal hospital) while others are actually on farms. Both can be relaxing and enjoyable. I hope you're doing somewhat better. Yours, Lenora

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