October 10th, 2021 - 5:56am
My Day was Made
As you might imagine, not much happens in and around my regularly scheduled daily life. Lots of sameness and repetition, with few notable life experiences worth mentioning. But now, I am someplace else. And people walk in, tend to my roommate, then nod cordially in my direction as they head back out the door.
Okay, so that is different than being grounded at home, mostly by myself. People and movement, versus a random flyby hummingbird outside, my ever-loving cat (Samara) rubbing up against me, and an evening conversation with my wife (basically, a "how was your day at work?" recap).
What We Remember
Well, in life, what we tend to remember most are the unexpected events. Occurrences out of phase with our most common reality. First time things. Or basically, surprises. Why? Because being surprised puts us into a state of heightened (and sometimes total) awareness.
Woman Walking
She came in unannounced, her gaze purposely avoiding mine. Several strides later she paused, pretending to look for something to her left.. nothing there but an empty dresser abutting an empty wall. All the while she's spying me out of the corner of her eye. She suddenly reverses course, employing a flawless heel spin. Chest pushes out. Tummy in. Posture perfect. Lips, ever so slightly reset.
Honestly, I couldn't quite see her lips through the mask, but I thrive off of these types of real imaginings. Make-believe. Reality. Some amalgamation of both. It doesn't much matter.
There are times when my self esteem feels lower than the deep sea abyss (like right now) and any hint, anything at all that tricks me into believing that I retain a hint of desirability, must be milked dry. I need to feel at least slightly desirable every so often. Okay. "Need" is a strong word. But I want to be wanted in whatever capacity the wanting person wants to want me.*
Ha!
I may LIKE that sentence more than I should
And so should you!
But I get it. Even if any part of this momentary imagining is true, everyone else here (my competition) is severely disadvantaged. I'm up against.. mean as piss 85 year olds with dementia. In essence, I'm merely a curiosity. An outlier. A dead fish in a dead sea, floating ever closer to the surface, as opposed to my bed bound counterparts.
But I need to think certain things. And positive proof is unnecessary, and more often than not, deflating. Just let me imagine moments untainted by today's truth.. to have and hold me captivated. Or simply hold.
Dammit! Be interested! Somebody. Please.
Angry Nurse Update
Guess what? Not angry. Cordial. Borderline pleasant. And she apologized for not changing my formula earlier this morning, noting that I was sleeping late (which I was).
And then the rest of my day …
The Cardinals Professional Football Team
I watched a football match that was made slightly more taxing than it needed to be (roommate playing his video game at full volume, as he's apt to do early and often). Yes, those damned barnyard animals again were amped up on crystal meth. Regular chatterboxes. Moo moo moo, cock-a-doodle-do!
The television screen I cannot see clearly either, as it seems tiny, perhaps even blurry. The image doesn't fit the entire screen. Perhaps that's it. Can an adjustment be made? A setting tweaked?
The people here said they'd schedule an eye exam for me. My visual sweet spot is between two and three feet away. Before and beyond that measure it's all a wee bit distorted. My on again off again glasses are older than my son.
Bingo
Today's afternoon call had everything to do with my mother preparing to play bingo (on Monday) in a crowded room with 50 other senior residents.
Not ideal, right?
And she's yet to receive her booster vaccine shot (it's been more than six months since her second injection, so I am trying to arrange that for her). Then additionally, they are serving food in this crowded bingo room full of elderly not-knowing-better seniors, which means… taking off their masks. Unless there exists a newfangled mouthless method that's been kept under wraps.
So my mother is disappointed, because I told her she shouldn't go.. until after she receives the booster.. then fourteen days after that.
Timing Isn't Everything
If you were to push the Nurse Call Button at a facility like this, what would you feel is a reasonable response time?
For instance, you may have pushed the button because you fell out of bed, or you want a Dr. Pepper on the rocks?
Note: I think it's a one nurse (one CNA) per twelve bed ratio here.
Thus far, the average call response time is about 20 minutes. And the CNA is the one who responds to 90% of the calls. The response time varies between five minutes to a whopping two hours.
Die we must, sometimes sadly and very alone.
Sometimes Sad (sure, it's late in the evening, and "sad" is what happens to me in these hours)
Is there a professional type of person that would talk to someone like me, regarding my current relationship difficulties? ...let me tell them how I am feeling? ...let me explain the myriad ways that I am upset? If so, what is their official designation?
And if this person exists, why am I not able to talk to them?
And if they don't exist, what am I supposed to do with all of this hurt? Where do I put it? How do I parse it out?
I should probably try to sleep. When I sleep, I no longer feel.
I'm okay.
Howard Cha
my morning wall -
My Day was Made
As you might imagine, not much happens in and around my regularly scheduled daily life. Lots of sameness and repetition, with few notable life experiences worth mentioning. But now, I am someplace else. And people walk in, tend to my roommate, then nod cordially in my direction as they head back out the door.
Okay, so that is different than being grounded at home, mostly by myself. People and movement, versus a random flyby hummingbird outside, my ever-loving cat (Samara) rubbing up against me, and an evening conversation with my wife (basically, a "how was your day at work?" recap).
What We Remember
Well, in life, what we tend to remember most are the unexpected events. Occurrences out of phase with our most common reality. First time things. Or basically, surprises. Why? Because being surprised puts us into a state of heightened (and sometimes total) awareness.
Woman Walking
She came in unannounced, her gaze purposely avoiding mine. Several strides later she paused, pretending to look for something to her left.. nothing there but an empty dresser abutting an empty wall. All the while she's spying me out of the corner of her eye. She suddenly reverses course, employing a flawless heel spin. Chest pushes out. Tummy in. Posture perfect. Lips, ever so slightly reset.
Honestly, I couldn't quite see her lips through the mask, but I thrive off of these types of real imaginings. Make-believe. Reality. Some amalgamation of both. It doesn't much matter.
There are times when my self esteem feels lower than the deep sea abyss (like right now) and any hint, anything at all that tricks me into believing that I retain a hint of desirability, must be milked dry. I need to feel at least slightly desirable every so often. Okay. "Need" is a strong word. But I want to be wanted in whatever capacity the wanting person wants to want me.*
Ha!
I may LIKE that sentence more than I should
And so should you!
But I get it. Even if any part of this momentary imagining is true, everyone else here (my competition) is severely disadvantaged. I'm up against.. mean as piss 85 year olds with dementia. In essence, I'm merely a curiosity. An outlier. A dead fish in a dead sea, floating ever closer to the surface, as opposed to my bed bound counterparts.
But I need to think certain things. And positive proof is unnecessary, and more often than not, deflating. Just let me imagine moments untainted by today's truth.. to have and hold me captivated. Or simply hold.
Dammit! Be interested! Somebody. Please.
Angry Nurse Update
Guess what? Not angry. Cordial. Borderline pleasant. And she apologized for not changing my formula earlier this morning, noting that I was sleeping late (which I was).
And then the rest of my day …
The Cardinals Professional Football Team
I watched a football match that was made slightly more taxing than it needed to be (roommate playing his video game at full volume, as he's apt to do early and often). Yes, those damned barnyard animals again were amped up on crystal meth. Regular chatterboxes. Moo moo moo, cock-a-doodle-do!
The television screen I cannot see clearly either, as it seems tiny, perhaps even blurry. The image doesn't fit the entire screen. Perhaps that's it. Can an adjustment be made? A setting tweaked?
The people here said they'd schedule an eye exam for me. My visual sweet spot is between two and three feet away. Before and beyond that measure it's all a wee bit distorted. My on again off again glasses are older than my son.
Bingo
Today's afternoon call had everything to do with my mother preparing to play bingo (on Monday) in a crowded room with 50 other senior residents.
Not ideal, right?
And she's yet to receive her booster vaccine shot (it's been more than six months since her second injection, so I am trying to arrange that for her). Then additionally, they are serving food in this crowded bingo room full of elderly not-knowing-better seniors, which means… taking off their masks. Unless there exists a newfangled mouthless method that's been kept under wraps.
So my mother is disappointed, because I told her she shouldn't go.. until after she receives the booster.. then fourteen days after that.
Timing Isn't Everything
If you were to push the Nurse Call Button at a facility like this, what would you feel is a reasonable response time?
For instance, you may have pushed the button because you fell out of bed, or you want a Dr. Pepper on the rocks?
Note: I think it's a one nurse (one CNA) per twelve bed ratio here.
Thus far, the average call response time is about 20 minutes. And the CNA is the one who responds to 90% of the calls. The response time varies between five minutes to a whopping two hours.
Die we must, sometimes sadly and very alone.
Sometimes Sad (sure, it's late in the evening, and "sad" is what happens to me in these hours)
Is there a professional type of person that would talk to someone like me, regarding my current relationship difficulties? ...let me tell them how I am feeling? ...let me explain the myriad ways that I am upset? If so, what is their official designation?
And if this person exists, why am I not able to talk to them?
And if they don't exist, what am I supposed to do with all of this hurt? Where do I put it? How do I parse it out?
I should probably try to sleep. When I sleep, I no longer feel.
I'm okay.
Howard Cha
my morning wall -