Shine On

My ex boyfriend i was with for 5 years before my husband, passed away Thursday.....and i feel sad.
He battled big monsters for a great many years. I spent many years saving him.
Its really strange because we haven't been in contact in 15? years.
This is kind of strange territory to navigate.
Like, i feel like we parted ways and i shouldn't feel too much into this...but its brought up many memories.
Good and bad.

I don't know.

If you have a similar story you feel like sharing of how you navigated, leave me a comment.

A quote from one of his favorite movies, Lord of the Rings, that has brought me solace today...

Pippin: “I didn’t think it would end this way”

Gandalf: “End? No the journey doesn’t end here.
Death is just another path, one that we must all take.
The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.”

Pippin: “what Gandalf? See what?”

Gandalf: “white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.”

Pippin: “well that isn’t so bad.”

Gandalf: “no, no it isn’t.”

A song that reminds me of our time together. In honor of your life, A. Shine on, friend.


I was with John for 5 yrs.... We met many years ago at a rave beach party in Brighton,.UK .
He was living in LA at the time ( but was originally fr England. We kept in touch now and again over email for 7 yrs! We both travelled about in that time. He doing charity work in Africa and I well continuing to. Party in the UK..
I was due to go to shamanic event for the wk end ( 2011) but it cancelled. I really wanted to go away and so I called John ( he'd now moved back to England to Brighton where I'd lived previously. He said sure come over.
And that was it love struck us 🥰
I ended up staying for a few more days. Such happy times I was high on love.
We continued to have our relationship living at a distance ( 160 miles apart) id go there for some days and he'd come here.
He was 20 yrs older than me but we were on par in so many ways ..

We got engaged to be married ..
But as I started to heal and grow more I realized I'd chosen ' my dad ' emotionally unavailable. Thing is now some yrs later I realise I was emotionally unavailable--- for me 🤎

I ended our relationship nearly 7 yrs ago now. It hurt, it really hurt and continued to for some yrs.. He was my best friend and fun partner. We saw many places and had many experiences.. Mostly I just liked it when it was the 2 of us chilling in the lounge.

I heard couple yrs ago he had a heart triple by pass... This was such a shock. I prayed forhim and asked his daughter how he was. It was a success as far as I know but I don't know if he has had any issues since.

This yr I'll be 50 and he will be 70 ! Mad!!
When we met I was 38 .
I always worried about when we died as it seemed highly likely he would pass up 1st.
He had bad spinal issues too.

I still think of John and hope he is ok and having some happiness.
One day I may hear he has passed on and it will be so awful ( but good because he is a v spiritual person.
Someone passing brings up such a lot for those on the earth looking up. Looking back looking on...
Those we shared part of our lives with, our hearts, our insides..

Love is love I'll always love him it just came to the point that it was time to move on
Maybe God will bring another love who knows... For now it's me xx
thank you for sharing your story emma :heart:
It sounds like you lived quite an interesting life. Yes, 20 years is a big gap but i'm sure numbers are at times unencumbered when the souls vibe to that extent.

You bring up some good points and its really good to view the experiences and the life we got to live together and just be in appreciation for all of it...and acceptance...a few words for me i guess...the good and the bad.

Sometimes writing things out helps me to process things in a different way than just rolling it like a rock in my head around and around. And sometimes, conversing with others alchemizes that process even moreso.

yeah, we were engaged multiple times and lived together. We rarely lived a boring existence! I am sure stories are still told of our time together. gah! :xeyes: I believe my last ring was a super fancy gumball machine ring! :lol: it was just as special as a diamond ring though. Truth be told i don't like diamond rings. For a variety of reasons. The labor currently used to obtain them and i'm just not a diamond girl. I'm more of a crystal peridot or aquamarine...and what did my current husband do, knowing full well i didn't want a diamond ring and certainly nothing expensive? He bought me multiple diamond rings. Gah. I literally swung the to the complete other spectrum after my relationship ended with A to my husband. They were night and day in many ways. A hardcore punk rocker to a catholic school soccer player. I thought i was quite smart back then but in truth, i've traveled similar paths with two completely different personalities. Funny, eh? Noted universe, noted.

I'm fairly certain i've had all the loves i shall have in this one lifetime and if i shall survive and thrive again with this illness, i shall live in a hobbit hole in the forest for the rest of my days. I think parts of me do not want to return from this hermit hole. Yet, i would like to acquire functioning of my body back most obviously! So i can cook, bathe, maybe even walk again one day in the woods.

who knows:star:
I" ve been around a while now. The relationships and the stories and the events that transpired could fill entire books.

I almost married somebody 18 years older than I. That person is still out there in the woods, and I am not.

I heard some really sad news about the guy I dated in high school. How he got a brain injury and is not himself, any longer. A terrifying thought, it broke my heart to even imagine it.

Our wedding reception- alot of lousy photos were taken and half those people are dead. Suicides, traffic accidents, tragedies.

Last fall, my best friend for forever, she called. It seems her "true love", the guy she was with in her twenties- a dear dear creative person- well, he lost it at some point and died a hermit in a tiny house overgrown in vines.

He didn't leave her a note. She expected a note. I carried some of that grave sadness for many years, as I was extremely close to this person. He was devastated when she broke up with him and never recovered. (decades ago)

I don't know why some people have very little resilience.

And some people aren't meant to hang around long it seems. Not this time at least.
Yes, most relationships leave a "forever imprint" on us. It's hard to silence them, but that grows better with time. Yours, Lenora
tank you rufous and lenora:heart:

oh, lenora.....isn't that the truth.
when someone is a part of your life in that way, its truly forever.
the human heart is a strange thing.
@sunshine44 diamond rings..
I had a lovely one so sparkly... I loved wearing it... I felt super grown up.
When we broke I attempted to sell it but no one came forward so I sold it back to the shop for a huge loss I exchanged it for a gold dress ring with funnily enough aquamarine stone as it reminded me of his eyes.
I miss my original ring but it gives me comfort to think maybe someone else in love is wearing it...
I miss my original ring but it gives me comfort to think maybe someone else in love is wearing it...

I am currently wearing my mother in laws wedding ring. Platinum, with six stones. I even have her big ROCK, the engagement ring, but somehow a side rectangular diamond broke, and went missing and its a 100% sweater catcher. I intended to get it repaired.

I used to wear my own mothers' gold wedding ring, very very tiny and small. It fits a pinky finger.

I never had a wedding ring of my own. We just didn't do things that were traditional, like that.
I used to wear my own mothers' gold wedding ring, very very tiny and small. It fits a pinky finger.

I should complete that story.

My mom would take her wedding rings off to do the dishes. And my older brother reportedly took my moms ring with the Big diamond outside to show his friends, and that was it for my moms showy Engagement Ring. I ended up with the tiny ring, it didn't fit her anyway.
Yes, @sunshine44, there are so, so many losses in life. As one gets older it truly does become common to not know who's here and who is gone. Perhaps it's best to remember them as they were.....we have to decide.

You've had already had your share of loss this year. I hope the remainder will be like spring for you. Take care and have a shower as often as you can. :heart: Lenora

this week has been one of the strangest of my adult life...
i am remembering the most beautiful moments of our life together...
that i had for years deeply buried away.

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