I'm having a massive flare up. It's the usual November flare. I've had this since the 80's. You can set your watch by it. The right gland in my neck swells up, pushes on my ear so I get an earache with it, and some odd tinnitus ringing in it on and off throughout the day. Fever, the usual flare up of every nerve cell being ripped out of my body. Plus everything hurts badly to the point of just taking a deep breath and my back muscles kill me. Light, sound sensitive. Fatigue. Right eye hurts and there's even some swelling around it. Dizzy, nausea. And this feeling like something is attacking my central nervous system. I can feel it, like it's in my spinal column. I've pretty much been wishing I was dead all day and all night. It's like dying, only not.
So I found myself thinking I should put a note on my fridge in case something does happen to me. I just want my cat taken care of. And then I realized what a morbid thought that is. And how awful it is to even have to think that way. But when you are alone and chronically ill, is it being morbid, or is it being realistic? I'm really sick.
I'm signed up for the Sunday Thanksgiving party here and so far, I have no clue if I can go. And it's something I really wanted to do. I just want this pain to stop. And I'm getting to the point where, I don't care how it stops, just make it stop, even if I have to die to stop it. Twenty plus years like this already. When is enough, enough? When do I get let out of hell?
Sick and poor from being sick. Not allowed to live in this world. When is this going to end? We still have no treatment in site. No validation. Nothing.
So I found myself thinking I should put a note on my fridge in case something does happen to me. I just want my cat taken care of. And then I realized what a morbid thought that is. And how awful it is to even have to think that way. But when you are alone and chronically ill, is it being morbid, or is it being realistic? I'm really sick.
I'm signed up for the Sunday Thanksgiving party here and so far, I have no clue if I can go. And it's something I really wanted to do. I just want this pain to stop. And I'm getting to the point where, I don't care how it stops, just make it stop, even if I have to die to stop it. Twenty plus years like this already. When is enough, enough? When do I get let out of hell?
Sick and poor from being sick. Not allowed to live in this world. When is this going to end? We still have no treatment in site. No validation. Nothing.