I Miss The Sun

I miss being in the warm sunlight so very much. I'm so pale, I look like a corpse. And I'm never well enough to go out in the sun much. And it hasn't been warm out for a long time.

Even when it is warm out, I'm usually too sick until nightfall to go out. So I never get to be out in the sunlight anymore.

Somehow, I always associated the warm sunlight with the light of God's warmth just shining down on you. And I miss it. It always felt like a warm healing light. Too many people take it for granted. They don't realize what it's like when you can't have it.

I'm feeling so down lately. I was down even before the jerk left me. The night before he broke up with me, I was thinking how he wasn't enough to make me want to live at all. If wouldn't have mattered if he was real. I'm just so tired of fighting. Twenty plus years of this illness, when is enough enough? I'm tired. And the financial stress is getting to me, and not being able to live in this world is getting to me. The endless suffering of new symptoms and new health problems to deal with. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm just trying to endlessly dig my way out of a dirt grave. And the more I dig, the more the dirt falls through my fingers and I get nowhere.

I'm one of the strongest people. I've survived this for so very long, and I've survived losing my family and my homes and my health and my money and my pets. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I have only sadness left. And a life filled with constant pain and suffering a thousand symptoms that no one can help me with. I'm not well enough to live in this world. And I haven't been for a very long time. And I don't want to keep going on like this with no end in site. I don't know what to do anymore. And I'm tired of being entombed. I feel like a trapped ghost spirit on this earth. I'm only a shadow of what I once was. Floating in the shadows, watching others live, but I never can.

Comments

Carrigan,

Wow can I relate to how you are feeling. When I am at the point you sound like you are at .........I imagine that my soul is a giant rock on the floor of a beautiful ocean that has a raging storm above. I believe we choose this life to learn the things our soul needs to learn. Our SOUL is completely connected to God or what ever higher power you believe in at all times.

This illness is like being a zombie or the living dead. It robs us of everything we hold dear to life. Please remember that you are still who you always have been. That your SOUL has the strength to see you through. The hardest part for me is to accecpt this illness as we sometimes look normal and don't have an official disease that would generate the true sympathy we deserve. Nobody knows but us.

Remeber your light and the goodness that still resides in you. Connect to your higher power. I always use the Lords Prayer (most popular prayer on earth to ground and restore me. Try it three times a day. It helps.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever.
Amen

Bless you Carrigan!
 
i can also really relate to how you feel...i feel like a prisoner in my home...if i go out by self its to safe areas..shopping/grocerys doctors appointments for me and kids sometimes drive kids to from school...on conseilur advice a few garage sales to get over anxiety...maybe a errand for oil change once awhile for hubby..but its all done in pain and fatigue filled with anxety and worry for days and weeks sometimes before i go...and crashing afterwards...oh an occsional walk around neighbourhood only with help of pain medications though...if people see me out i may look fat and try to pretend happy but they dont know the amount of pain and ordeal for me to just get out is...

everything is too overwhelming...i love nature and miss it...miss animals..the sun is too overwhelming..the sounds of traffic..the people...i feel like ive gone mad...i wasnt like this before i got ill....id never ever thoguht id be like this...locked inside my home terrified of life and everything...this isnt living..but i cant i just cant live anymore like i use too....im too tired...

i hope you and everyone else feel better...these illness take so much from us...i hate it. you sound like a wonderful person and wehn you are up to it and ready im sure youll met someone great who loves you for who you are...im blessed to have my kids i love more than life but i still feel so lonely at times...no friends really...lost all them when i got ill...thank God for the computer so we can talk on the support groups...so many people in this world and i feel so alone...

Xandoff lovely prayer thanks for posting it...
 
Carrigon, you and I are the same age. I feel the same. I feel your pain and I know how you feel. I am financially stable for now. I suffer with the same feelings and things happening as you do. I am quite sick right now, on a real downturn. I don't know what to say about the guy other than it's just too hard to have a relationship with this illness. But....I want one so bad and I have 2 guys chasing after me and I want to date them, but why??? So they can break up with me?

I feel for you so much and I wish I could say something to make it better. We have both been ill since we were teenagers and we have been seriously jipped. You are not alone.
 
We just want someone to make us feel alive. But we know it can't work as long as we're sick. There's no way. I think we want someone when we want someone on our terms, but it never really works that way. And we end up with temporary liaisons. Maybe it's just our destiny. I don't know. We are strong women, able to stand on our own in so many ways. That makes it very hard to have a relationship to begin with. Sometimes I think friends with benefits is better. No commitment.
 

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