Such Morbid Thoughts

I'm having a massive flare up. It's the usual November flare. I've had this since the 80's. You can set your watch by it. The right gland in my neck swells up, pushes on my ear so I get an earache with it, and some odd tinnitus ringing in it on and off throughout the day. Fever, the usual flare up of every nerve cell being ripped out of my body. Plus everything hurts badly to the point of just taking a deep breath and my back muscles kill me. Light, sound sensitive. Fatigue. Right eye hurts and there's even some swelling around it. Dizzy, nausea. And this feeling like something is attacking my central nervous system. I can feel it, like it's in my spinal column. I've pretty much been wishing I was dead all day and all night. It's like dying, only not.

So I found myself thinking I should put a note on my fridge in case something does happen to me. I just want my cat taken care of. And then I realized what a morbid thought that is. And how awful it is to even have to think that way. But when you are alone and chronically ill, is it being morbid, or is it being realistic? I'm really sick.

I'm signed up for the Sunday Thanksgiving party here and so far, I have no clue if I can go. And it's something I really wanted to do. I just want this pain to stop. And I'm getting to the point where, I don't care how it stops, just make it stop, even if I have to die to stop it. Twenty plus years like this already. When is enough, enough? When do I get let out of hell?

Sick and poor from being sick. Not allowed to live in this world. When is this going to end? We still have no treatment in site. No validation. Nothing.

Comments

hi ***hugz***

I dont think you are being morbid, its a realism thou probably unlikely but some of us with ME may end up dead cause of it.

Last time I spoke to my mother on the phone I made her promise that if this illness kills me that the one think I want me family to do is sue my doctors etc. (Im currently worried over my severe orthostatic BP issues which have been ignored for 4 years and I worry about my heart).

If I suddenly drop dead with this illness. I want some good to come from that for us.
...

if you want a ME pick me up.. I started up a good ME/CFS news thread to cheer people up http://forums.phoenixrising.me/showthread.php?14790-Good-ME-CFS-news-developments-thread . Things I think are changing (thou slowly)
 
I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. I hope you'll see enough improvement to at least stop by the party you want to go to.
 
I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. I hope you'll see enough improvement to at least stop by the party you want to go to.
 
I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. I hope you'll see enough improvement to at least stop by the party you want to go to.
 
I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. I hope you'll see enough improvement to at least stop by the party you want to go to.
 
It won't let me just delete all the multi posts. Forum glitch.

I did make it down to the Thanksgiving party, I'm so sick. And I was the most physically ill person there. No one was sick as me at all. Most of them were just elderly. One guy is just deaf. But these people are not sick with a disease.

I didn't think I'd make it. So much pain and nausea this morning. And the POTS. I took pseudofed before I went down, but it didn't kick in. The food was good and I got to sit with people I knew. But I had the severe lightheadedness and my neighbor friend had to get me my dessert cause I couldn't get up. So we ate well, all very fresh food. Turkey with all the trimmings and pumpkin pie for dessert. And alot of small talk. And then we left. And now I can't move. I'm not sorry I went. I'm only sorry I'm so sick and have such a hard time from this disease.

Another awful thought is I kept wondering if I need a scooter because I can't walk or stand much when the POTS is severe. And at the same time, I don't want to do that. I want to walk and move when I can. I hate this disease so much. No one else there was lightheaded and queasy.
 
I am so sorry that you are so sick. I have also been sick for 22+ years. Have you been this ill for the whole length of your illness?
Gentle hugs to you. My thoughts are with you. I hope you get a break and can feel even a fraction of a bit better! I really hope you can feel a whole lot better!
Hope to hear from you againl.
 
I am so sorry that you are so sick. I have also been sick for 22+ years. Have you been this ill for the whole length of your illness?
Gentle hugs to you. My thoughts are with you. I hope you get a break and can feel even a fraction of a bit better! I really hope you can feel a whole lot better!
Hope to hear from you againl.
 
It seems to have up and down times. I can go through periods of time where I'm not as sick and be able to do some stuff. And then I go through periods of time where I am down for a very long time. I never know why. And very rarely, I'll get one day in maybe a year where all of a sudden I'm better for no reason at all and I want to dance. And then........splat. The next day I'm dead again. There's never a predictable thing with this disease. I never know from day to day or even hour to hour how I will feel. Sometimes I'll feel like I'm absolutely dying, and then hours later, I can actually be better. Or I can be fairly okay and then flare up like crazy later on. Nothing makes sense with this disease.
 
Sounds like my life. Been sick since 89 or possibly before depending on definition. In a bad flare sounds similar with pots and heart issues for three years now. Flare and flu,lead to acute stress cardiomyopathy if that was a correct diagnosis since it should have resolved which it did not. Just riding the up and down waves. Holidays are the worst. Too many expectation to get things done or to go places. Really understand what you feel!
 

Blog entry information

Author
Carrigon
Views
567
Comments
11
Last update

More entries in User Blogs

More entries from Carrigon