Often, we are asked as CFS folks, was anything going on around the time of our becoming ill. I came down with a virus, but I think it started before that. As in my Mothers womb.
I am sure my Mom would not be happy if I announced my familys dirty laundry, but its something I find interesting. Right before I was conceived, my mother and father were almost at the point of divorce. My father was cheating on my mother. At the time, my brother and sister were kids. My father was living with my mother, brother and sister and would get jazzed up and ready to go out on dates with his mistress. My mom watched this, made his dinner for him, did his laundry, etc. She was from the old school and did not feel capable of leaving him. She enabled him and fell apart in the process. My mom was devastated. She lost so much weight and went down to 99 pounds and she was 5 foot 4 inches. She smoked, she cried herself to sleep and she crawled into bed with my sister for comfort. She was 39.
She finally gave my father an ultimatum. She threw his clothes and suitcase out on the lawn and screamed, Get out or come back, but none of this in between nonsense! Let me add that I have no idea if those were her exact words, but something to that affect. My words would have been tinged with fire and brimstone and the favorite word of choice, starting with an F.
My dad succumbed, came back and during the first romantic interlude they had once reunited, I was conceived. No one could believe my mother was pregnant with me. She was tiny, sickly and heartbroken. Not to mention, she never looked pregnant. I was like a bump.
After nine months of incubating in my mother, I came screaming out in less than 5 minutes. I wanted out. My mother literally had me on the way to the hospital. I wonder if it was because I was like, "hey man, it's toxic in this place..get me out of here...now!" And, there I was with a full head of hair.
I was born with no fingernails, a heart murmur and I was immediately put in the premature ward. I was so tiny that my dad held me in the palm of his hand.
I dont think its by coincidence that I was an unwell child. I truly believe the trauma that my mother endured was passed onto me. Out of my siblings, I was the most ill growing up. I was extremely sensitive and I was allergic to so much including my own bacteria. I was hospitalized for a small urethra as a kid, asthmatic bronchitis, and a never-ending case of strep throat. I was always sick.
Finally, in 11th grade, I was onto the road of better health. Allergy shots were the key. Allergy shots and mastering my emotions. I learned to not take things so seriously in high school. But in the summer of 1987, right before my senior year, my dad was very ill. He had been, but there was no diagnosis. It was just a flu, a cold, a cough. My dad was never ill. We spent our summers in New Hampshire.
One night, my father was coughing and it was clear he was ill. He was rushed to a hospital in New England. We were told to go home, back to Pennsylvania. He needed to get to an Oncologist. My world was going to change.
Cancer. Mesothelioma. Asbestos poisoning. It was awful. My room was next to the bathroom where he would run to in the middle of the night. Barely making it to vomit. Chemo, radiation, you name it. There was no chance of living for him, but he believed he could beat it. I went to school tired, scared and full of grief.
I meant the great love of my life. My high school sweetheart and boyfriend for 7 years. Christmas of 1987 came and he came bearing gifts. He also came with a huge cold sore on his lip. It was really gross. My good looking boyfriend had this gross aberration, but it was Christmas and I was leaving the next day for a ski trip in Vermont. A kiss was in order.
3 days later, I was in Vermont feeling like I was going to die. I had a horrible cold and was in bed for most of the time that I was there. I had sores throughout my entire mouth. I remember it being a blur. I can't really remember it. I was so out of it, while my friends were off skiing.
And there it is. That is how it began. A see saw of ups and downs for a year until in 1989, a few months after my father passed, I was never the same again. I came down with the Epstein Barr virus. My college roommate and myself.
I believe that my illness was brought on by that virus. I believe that the virus flourished due to grief. I believe that my immune system was set up for the virus due to the environment in which I was conceived.
I believe that just as we now have to strengthen the terrain of our bodies to deal with detox, lyme, or viruses in order to overcome these things; we also have to have a good foundation right from the beginning. The beginning of life.
I believe that at least for me. I feel that my body was set up for this "thing" that is trying to take me over.
I also feel, that I can overtake it at some point as well...I hope. I feel that those past traumas that occurred are lurking and one day, I will have a rain dance for them. I will stomp them out. I will stomp them out and take my vitamins and protocol. Here's to a cure..in whichever way it comes.