About a week ago, my cousin invited the entire family to New England for my Uncle's 95th birthday party. I adore my Uncle and we don't think he will be here much longer. There are over 150 family members that will be there. My cousin is paying for the long distance relatives to fly up and stay in a swank hotel. My cousin can afford to do this and he is doing this for all the long distant relatives. My immediate family, who rarely sees each other (and we live within 40 minutes of each other), is going. This is kind of a fabulous situation. And it gets better, my cousin is having my mom and I stay with him at his house on the lake. It's a 6 day excursion for us. My brother will be in a cottage across the street. My cousin has a boat and it should be a really good time.
My mother and I are really excited because we become so down that we don't have family. We don't have family that is close and we rarely see any of our family due to the distance. Plus, this will be like a vacation, in that we will be away and back to where I grew up. New England.
The bronchitis has taken a real toll on me and of course the CFS is now worse.
I am supposed to do an event that is a real big one next Sunday, selling my jewelry outdoors for a juried event. Last year I made a lot of money. The problem is, even though I am better, I feel like I really shouldn't do this event. It's a 12 hour day and I can barely leave my apartment right now. It would be really pushing it. I decided to not do it, but inside, I am agonizing over it. In my gut, I know not to do it. I need to rest up for this family event and I really need this vacation. I probably need this more than the money, on an emotional level.
I don't know if it's because it's a lot of money I would be letting go of, or the fact that I am so passionate about what I do and I want people to see my work, or just the fact that I absolutely loathe quitting; but I can't shake letting go of this event. I need to make it right for me to not do this, but I don't know how. I am so disappointed. It's an honor to be a part of this juried event. Damn this illness!
I was talking to my mom tonight and telling her how upset I am about it. I think it's also the fact that I have all of these friends that are making money. They have houses, they have shore houses, they have gorgeous SUV's and I live in an apartment and agonize about every single bill I have, how will I pay for this medicine, etc. I am so sick of living like this. I just want to throw caution to the wind and be able to go and "buy something." Believe me, I am grateful for what I have, don't get me wrong. But c'mon, we always compare ourselves to others, or we want more.
Just my cousin being able to fly us all up to New England; what is that like to be able to just say, "Hey everyone, fly up here for this birthday party! It's on me!" It caused me to feel so free and like, oh my God. I am flying somewhere and not having to worry about the expense. My mind feels this high because I don't have to worry. I realized just how much money is a huge factor in our happiness. Because he is doing this, I feel like I hit the lottery. I can't spend money without worrying about it. I can't buy expensive anything. It's Marshall's, TJ Maxx or bust.
Anyway, I am just venting. Does anyone else do this? My mother said, "You are not well, you are not like everyone else." And she is right and I think that is the problem, is that I want to be. I want to be like everyone else, or like my own version of it..a different version, but a version that is healthy and able.
I have a talent and it pisses me off that this illness gets in the way of that. We all have talents. And this illness gets in the way of them. ERRRRRRRRRR.
In spite of this blog, I wish everyone a very happy Easter! Happy Easter! Or happy holidays, however you choose to spend it!