Jealousy, lack of money and CFS.

For almost 2 weeks I have had bronchitis. This has not been your typical stint with bronchitis. I have been really sick, in bed and unable to do anything. I have had no appetite, and due to the initial sore throat, I took pain meds for the sore throat and for the chest pain. Fever and well, you get the point. Plus, I have some crazy rash. I have it on my arm and on my eyes. So weird. I have had such random ailments, symptoms, etc lately. :In bed:

About a week ago, my cousin invited the entire family to New England for my Uncle's 95th birthday party. I adore my Uncle and we don't think he will be here much longer. There are over 150 family members that will be there. My cousin is paying for the long distance relatives to fly up and stay in a swank hotel. My cousin can afford to do this and he is doing this for all the long distant relatives. My immediate family, who rarely sees each other (and we live within 40 minutes of each other), is going. This is kind of a fabulous situation. And it gets better, my cousin is having my mom and I stay with him at his house on the lake. It's a 6 day excursion for us. My brother will be in a cottage across the street. My cousin has a boat and it should be a really good time.

My mother and I are really excited because we become so down that we don't have family. We don't have family that is close and we rarely see any of our family due to the distance. Plus, this will be like a vacation, in that we will be away and back to where I grew up. New England.

The bronchitis has taken a real toll on me and of course the CFS is now worse.

I am supposed to do an event that is a real big one next Sunday, selling my jewelry outdoors for a juried event. Last year I made a lot of money. The problem is, even though I am better, I feel like I really shouldn't do this event. It's a 12 hour day and I can barely leave my apartment right now. It would be really pushing it. I decided to not do it, but inside, I am agonizing over it. In my gut, I know not to do it. I need to rest up for this family event and I really need this vacation. I probably need this more than the money, on an emotional level.

I don't know if it's because it's a lot of money I would be letting go of, or the fact that I am so passionate about what I do and I want people to see my work, or just the fact that I absolutely loathe quitting; but I can't shake letting go of this event. I need to make it right for me to not do this, but I don't know how. I am so disappointed. It's an honor to be a part of this juried event. Damn this illness!

I was talking to my mom tonight and telling her how upset I am about it. I think it's also the fact that I have all of these friends that are making money. They have houses, they have shore houses, they have gorgeous SUV's and I live in an apartment and agonize about every single bill I have, how will I pay for this medicine, etc. I am so sick of living like this. I just want to throw caution to the wind and be able to go and "buy something." Believe me, I am grateful for what I have, don't get me wrong. But c'mon, we always compare ourselves to others, or we want more.

Just my cousin being able to fly us all up to New England; what is that like to be able to just say, "Hey everyone, fly up here for this birthday party! It's on me!" It caused me to feel so free and like, oh my God. I am flying somewhere and not having to worry about the expense. My mind feels this high because I don't have to worry. I realized just how much money is a huge factor in our happiness. Because he is doing this, I feel like I hit the lottery. I can't spend money without worrying about it. I can't buy expensive anything. It's Marshall's, TJ Maxx or bust.

Anyway, I am just venting. Does anyone else do this? My mother said, "You are not well, you are not like everyone else." And she is right and I think that is the problem, is that I want to be. I want to be like everyone else, or like my own version of it..a different version, but a version that is healthy and able.

I have a talent and it pisses me off that this illness gets in the way of that. We all have talents. And this illness gets in the way of them. ERRRRRRRRRR.

In spite of this blog, I wish everyone a very happy Easter! Happy Easter! Or happy holidays, however you choose to spend it!

Comments

Happy Easter!!

Good to vent every now and again.

Luckily, most people spend their money on stuff I don't want, which makes the jealousy easier (surely you don't really want an SUV!), but living with poor health and little money is really difficult. I find the jealousy of health worse, but have been ill long enough now that it's largely a background thing I'm not often aware of.

Hope you enjoy your holiday.
 
I think it is the illness that is talking, not money.

In this past 18 months, I have met:

1) A former public interest lawyer, in her 60's, who never earned much money but felt proud of the difference she'd made, who had Parkinson's, and at one point worked as a cashier until she got too sick. Then she decided to take her dog, a few cats she'd adopted, her daily meds, and her SSDI and tent camp fulltime by herself. She was pretty happy, believe it or not, and doing well with the Parkinson's, as she was always in pure environments and physically active.

2) A couple--he'd been a craftsman tongue and groove furniture maker who couldn't earn a living, was a Vietnam vet so probably had PTSD, and drank a little too much quietly. She was so stressed out at her job she got an aneurysm. It sort of wrecked her short term memory. She was glad about the fact that it got her out of her job, and they let their house go into foreclosure I believe as they had no money, and decided to travel on her SSDI in a sort of crappy RV. They were looking for free camping places, and happened to be at the mechanic's I went to in Florida to fix my truck. Very nice people and with a wellspring of spirituality out of their hard times.

3) A Christian couple who were very contented, who had an 18 foot RV in pretty good shape, towed by an old Chevy (hard to believe, but it worked). They were in their late 60's, highschool sweethearts, got along really well, and took two brisk half hour walks morning and evening. They camped at discount places, including the National Forest we met them at, where they stayed the full month allowed. They spent about $350-400 month max on the "rent"--you get water, electric, satellite tv and your site. They were a happy couple.

4) My mechanic, who was having trouble making ends meet, whose 49 year old brother was that week in the hospital with such a bad heart attack he came close to death. His girlfriend was insecure and would periodically have a hissy fit and tears over the idea he might cheat on her. He'd have to bend over backwards to get back in her good graces even if he'd done nothing wrong. He was a real salt of the earth guy who charged very little to work on my partner's car and my truck, and when questioned why, he talked about friendship and southern hospitality. He had a kinder heart and was a lot happier in spite of his problems than many wealthy people I knew in NY.

I've also run across wealthy people. Some of them are happy, because they always did what they loved, lucked into good marriages that they nurtured well and patiently, and have good health. I don't begrudge those people and I know firsthand they are risk takers and visionaries.

All I'm saying is, there are a lot of people who fell on hard times. Since you have enough to eat, a roof over your head, clothes etc, and your Mom helps you out when needed, I don't think it's the money talking. I think it's the illness. You realize most of the world is poor, right? And you think of the tens of thousands dead in Japan, the many who are homeless and can never return to their radiated homes, the many in Texas who lost their homes completely in fires--including firefighters saving their neighbors' homes only to find theirs burned down at the end of day--life has many challenges, and you can see all around you how others suffer.

But when you are sick, and then get an acute illness too, it is depressing. That colors everything and perhaps it's easier to focus on money.
 
Thanks for sharing, Spitfire. The trip sounds like it will be a breath of fresh air.

Is there anyone else at the juried show who could put up some photos of your work and a link to web address where you sell things? Maybe you've already done things like this. Anyway, it is tough to miss out on a good opportunity. I hope there will be other ways to get your work out to a large crowd. :)
 
I so hear you, Spitfire. We face all kinds of loss(es) all the time. We are so brave that way, and the occasional vent is worthy!

Can you get some trusted person to go sell your jewelry for you? I know it won't be the same, but you'd have a shot at a cash infusion, and you wouldn't have to wipe yourself out--which sounds like a bad idea right after this bad bout, and before the excellent family gathering. Maybe you could go set up with said trusted person, stay for an hour or two till they get the rhythm of it, and then go home and rest while Trusted Friend reels in the profits for you :)
 
Thank you for all of your kind words. Leela, I was going to have people set up for me but no one felt comfortable enough to do it and I knew I didn't want to get up to show them how. I have to be there at 8 am which means I have to get up at 7 am and I don't get to sleep til like 3 am. I need to have people do it who know what they are doing. Plus, I need to know they are representing me well and can answer some questions.

I am actually ok with not doing the show....NOW!

Jen, you always make good points. I have been thinking of the future. When my mom passes away. I think what will I do financially and how can I maximize what money I have been left. That may sound awful because my mom is still alive, but she is always telling me how she doesn't spend because she wants me to be "OK." So, then I think about what to do when she dies. I often think of buying an RV or a mobile home. My friends all think I am nuts and one even says she won't come visit me. She says trailer parks are gross. In a way, she is right; here in PA, there are no nice trailer park or mobile home communities. They seems to be in Florida. Well, I want to have money for my health. I would rather put it to what I may need.

I lived years ago in San Francisco with no "stuff" little money and I had to shop at the Goodwill. I was so happy. I loved where I lived and I was healthier. I realized at that time, money isn't everything.

But now I have more responsibility. I woke up today worried. Worried about my car insurance, my health insurance, the fact that I had to buy a really expensive camera for my business. It's overwhelming at times.

Today I feel horrible and I am in bed. And I sit here or lay here and think, is it ok for me to be sick today? To be sick and not do anything because I feel like I need to rest. And yet, I am anxious and can't rest.

Yup, it's the illness.
 

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