The Dead Trial Sketch

A customer enters the Biopsychosocial Trial shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this trial what I purchased not six years ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Unblinded Pace ...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, it's uh's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead trial when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable trial, the Unblinded Pace, isn't it, eh? Beautiful plumage —look at those subjective endpoints!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

C: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Pacey! I've got a lovely fresh meta-analysis for you if you show ...

(trial owner hits the cage)

O: There, it moved!

C: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Pacey!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes trial out of the cage and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead trial.

O: No, no.....No, it's stunned!


O: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was recalibrating its endpoints! Unblinded Paces stun easily, sir.

C: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That trial is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not six years ago, you assured me that its total lack of significance was due to it bein' misunderstood and vexed out following a prolonged stint of public relations.

O: Well, it''s, ah...probably pining for the darkness.

C: PININ' for the DARKNESS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

O: The Unblinded Pace prefers keepin' in darkness! Remarkable trial, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that trial when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had stuffed with verbiage and nailed to its perch with a large spike labelled 'public relations'.


O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that trial down, it would have blown away in the slightest gust of wind and VOOM!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this trial wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! It's pining!

C: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This trial is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't stuffed it and nailed it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! It's fuckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-TRIAL!!


O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Pace trials.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: (pause) I got a Magenta.


C: Is that any better?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: You're not much of a trial shop, are you?

O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!


Snork! I laughed my way through this. Thanks so much Sarah -- I may have to follow you. This is utterly hysterical. (And I'm exactly the right age for it.)
Haha absolutely brilliant !!

or end with I wanted to be a train driver?

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