'Found' Transcripts .... #1

In honour of Dr Robert Forbes, who set some kind of benchmark for wilful ignorance from which we can all surely learn .. see this thread

[transcript of a partial recording made by a first year med student at an unnamed school, speaker’s identity unclear]

“Well, good morning and welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the freshman class of 2015. You sit here before me, about to embark on a great journey, the journey to join the ranks of that most noble and exclusive of groups — people who own an S-Class Merce … er, physicians.

But before you start out on your journey, there are a couple of things you need to know, things I wish I had known when I was just an innocent young thing like you.

I think it was Hippocrates himself who said “Everyone lies”. Or was it House? I don’t know, always getting those two mixed up. I do know one of them was a degenerate, probably the Greek. But he was right, either way, everyone lies. Except doctors. And well-bred young ladies who know how to behave themselves at a cotillion. Actually, they lie, too, but it’s not their fault. Their delicate nature makes ‘em prone to hysteria. I remember a young gal in Charleston, 1975, she had hair the colour of …

What was I saying? Yes, as Hippocrates said, there are two kinds of people: healthy people, people with old money, and liars. The people with old money sometimes get sick, but they know how to address a doctor and have the nicest manners, and mostly they respond well to Valium and Viagra, depending on their genital persuasion, and if that fails just refer ‘em to the Mayo. Mostly they don’t bother you and they always pay their bills on time. As does Medicare. Which is just as well because you will be inundated with lying, cheating disability-seeking deadbeats from the day you hang out your shingle. And most of them will have so-called illnesses they made up on the internet and you’ll never have heard of ‘cos I’m damned if I’m going to teach you about them …

Where was I? Oh, yeah, chronic fatigue “Syndrome”. I say “Syndrome” like that because it’s made up. That’s what “Syndrome” means. Like The China Syndrome, which is actually a pretty good movie considering it’s got that darned communist Jane Fonda in it, but I’ve gotta say she always looks good, regardless. And Stockholm Syndrome, which is obviously made up because it’s named after a place in Scandinavia and who in their right mind would ever go there? Place is full of socialists.

What was I ... ? Oh, yes, anything with “Syndrome” in the name means they made it up. Look up “syndrome” in the dictionary it says “Gimme a disability cheque now”. And there’s this thing they call autism. Never had that when I was a kid. Any kid in our house said he had autism he’d have gotten his ears boxed and extra chores and we’d had heard no more about that. As I was saying to a colleague of mine just the other day as we were driving the buggy down to the first tee, people today, they don’t know the meaning of hard work, and that’s what’s making most of ‘em so-called “ill” …. “ [words unclear]

[recording ends]


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