Spontaneous Combustion

So, a few days away from my period I am. Gosh, get ready!! I want to crawl under the covers and stay there..permanently. I was told that the reason I am having such a bad time of it is because I am loaded with candida. I am on diflucan. Every morning, I scrape my tongue and there are plastic like strands on there. Sorry for too much information. I am loaded with it because due to the shots, as many know, I ate a whole lot of stuff that is loaded with sugar. LOADED.

I am feeling really low and sorry for myself and needed to come here for this. I am going to be 40 in a month. I have noticed cellulite and my eyes are whacked. I need reading glasses now most of the time. Last night my friend and I went into the city for dinner and I thought I saw my ex boyfriend. All of these years, all of them, with no long love since I was 24. After that my life was consumed with CFS and endometriosis. For years, I had a hard time dating and committing to anything due to fear. I have never married.

My mind now focuses on my ex again, of course. It always does when I am due. And it focuses on all I have had to give and all I wanted to give but all those years I was too sick, or the right "one" wasn't there to give to. And then there are those that I gave to that didn't deserve what I gave them. The last one in particular. I thought to myself as I thought I saw him.."Are you happy now? Did you find someone who completed you? Because it's taken me a year to get over you and I gave you all I had until I had nothing left and I became so sick and it was never enough. I am still a shell of who I was before you. Is the new one the love of your life now too? How can you love so many people?" I have loved 3 in my lifetime. I have not been able to feel the desire to date. It just is not there. And, I feel like one of those jaded women. I feel jaded and I watched the Bachelorette sporadically and think, is this crap for real? Why do people like this bullshit show? I just don't feel the same about love anymore. I have never been truly loved by any man. All of them have been too selfish to love. To really love.

It saddens me and I feel that by the time I do meet someone, I will be some wrinkly old hag that is dragging an enema bag around with me. Like the woman on the Hallmark cards.

So, I focus on my business. I know with that, I feel pleasure. It's a win win situation. It gives me an income and I feel happy that people like my jewelry. But it doesn't tell me that I am beautiful. And it doesn't comfort me when I cry and feel alone.

And now that I am 40, it is ever present just how much of an anomaly I am. I don't have kids and can't have kids. I can't because I am too unwell to take care of a child. This makes me feel sad and awful.

Is it too much to want to just have someone, a home, a dog, and be happy? That is all I want. Someone who accepts me for me, with an illness but still very capable. Is that so wrong? I can go to dinner, the movies, a concert, work part time. I can go to the beach. Is it too much to think someone would be out there to appreciate that? I sit here with tears running down my face because I look at pictures when I was in my 20's and in college and sick, and functioning and how I couldn't find the right guy.

And the irony, I don't even want a guy really right now. I must sound crazy. I am just hormonal.

I hate this illness. But I also dislike the people that are out there.

I went to a business networking event tonight in which this financial planner asked the group, "How would you feel if you only made $25,000 a year?" I was thinking, yeah, that is about what I make with SSD included. She then said, "you probably wouldn't able to breathe, right?" I thought to myself, I am breathing. Barely, but I am here. It also made me depressed because I was thinking, none of you HAVE A CLUE. You have never lost everything due to an illness. I count my pennies. If I have an extra $200 a month after everything is paid...that is a good month.

We are lost in the shadows. That is how I feel. Lost in the rubble and the shadows. I am sorry if I am whining. But maybe someone else can relate to this. Relate to being single, or broke, childless or just being ill and all of the ramifications it causes.

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Misfit Toy
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