Sanity

I wonder how many with ME end up insane due to all the trauma they go throu (or a virus attacking the brain?). Im not only physically and emotionally weak at times, Im nowdays mentally weak too. It's like Ive been pushed to far over an edge.. and my coping mechanisms to stress are nowdays completely screwed. I have no reserves at all to cope with stress.

Ive been away from here for past few days due to being so sensitive, i can hardly even deal with others who have ME themselves. I struggle to deal with people ANYONE, due to the ME taking my trust away in others due to so much bad treatment.

Im so vulerable to stress that ive ended up being ambulanced to hospital twice in past 3 weeks. (once cause someone wrongly thought i was suicidal.. and the other time cause i WAS suicidal).

Then in past 5 days, ive had two incidents where i just lost the plot due to lack of ability to nowdays cope with some major stress in my life (im on attempted arson charges due to a near suicide attempt where i was going to set fire to myself and the stress of this case, is being even more harmful to my mental health).

I ended up going to stab myself with sissors (as inside, im so frustrated at my life) fortunately i managed to instead, turn those sissors against a body part which i couldnt really damage, that being my hair... in a fit of crying on my bed, I grabbed chunkfuls of hair and roughly cut my long hair off. My hair is now shorter then ive ever had it in my life (except when a baby). (To my amazement.. the next day when i looked at myself in a mirror, it actually looked good.. no idea how that happened.. my boyfriend now is cracking jokes how i should be a hairdresser as i cut hair great while upset and not looking at it).

Then yesterday.. had a lawyers appointment (thou once got there in city.. 1.5hr drive.. it had been cancelled).. i stressed so much about that appointment as i dont trust anyone to treat me properly so cant trust my lawyer and im scared of treated badly in jail (thou everyone is telling me that i wont go to jail but i dont trust life itself.. who knows, maybe i will go to jail for going to kill myself as my life has always been unfair). i ended up just before leaving for lawyers loosing it and started slamming my head into a table before turning onto my face and giving myself a bruised cheekbone with some black going into my eye. (my eye has stopped twitching now, fortunately it looks like it isnt going to swell shut).

Having my head slam into hard things was the only way i felt like i could keep a gripe on my sanity. Like pull myself back into the present and stay focused rather then loose the plot completely (umm thou with the head slamming i was loosing the plot too).

That incident was brought on by stress and the xanax i took which im not meant to take, but my boyfriend wanted me to take more then i usually do :( ... and then it made me loose feel of my body which completely unnerved me and added to my anxiety... hence then me beating myself up so i could feel my body again (and like ground myself). i wish i wasnt so sensitive to drugs.. cause i didnt even take a normal minimum dose, my boyfriend cant understand how it makes me feel, how i can feel bad effects from it.

i really really hope he dont make me take that much of one again (half the lowest dose, im fine with a quarter of the lowest dose pill but half a tablet.. completely unsettling due to feeling like i loose my body as i cant then feel it).

My psychologist has said she is going to try to get a psychriastrist to see me but she isnt sure she can or not (and my GP cant get one to see me as they've all said im fine.... **sighs** how can i be fine when i basically feel like im going insane from all the stress and end up doing crazy things cause i then loose control?? Im completely emotionally dysregulated nowdays).

Past week and a half thou.. i know im depressed. Whether doctor or anyone will believe me when i say that..who knows?? they dont tend to listen to what i say. I expect to be told "no you are mentally fine", like they usually do. I believe i have PTSD from the ME and treatment of me.. but no one will consider that.

Its strange but i havent been right since i almost had that full on seizure.. so maybe all my reaction now is something to do with the ME rather then just intense stress situation??? who knows.

Comments

:( its after 4.00am and tonight....just like EVERYNIGHT for the past three weeks, I have insomina to which doctor isnt going to treat. I have THREE appointments today one after the other which im going to end up having to do on no sleep.

im feeling like things are hopeless (usually i can ignore the situation and that i dont get any treatment as generally im a happy person)... but currently with this depression, it is very hard for me to ignore the bad treatment i get.. my doctor is as good as not having a doctor at all.

This week is going to be a bad week... as its best i limit my appointments to two a week as i usually get sick if i do 4.. this week, ive had no choice but to book in 4 different appointments :( by end of week, im probably going to be going down some with the ME.
 
Hang in there, Tania. This will pass. I like mindfulness meditation. Stay in the moment and away from the future. Take it one step at a time. You can do it!

Take care,
BEG
 
Wow, that is really rough!!!! With all of us constantly being told we're depressed and then they won't give you access to mental health services? I hope you're requests for mental help will be taken seriously this week! No one should have to suffer as you are!

We're here and we care what happens to you!
 
Tania! I just saw this. Please hang in there. I do beleive that this disease effects the brain and can cause all kinds of issues. I do beleive that this illness makes it very difficult for us to deal with stress. Please, do not try and hurt yourself again. Take a deep breath and remember that you can get through this rough time and it will get better! Please PM me if you want to talk.
 
tannja, we know each other from prohealth and i am worried about what you tell us here, because I was in a similar situation the past 2 years and especially the past half year i felt ,for the first time in my live , severe depression and suicidal. I really had the feeling i am going over the top. New medication has worsened my moods to the extreme. You need to find out if the medication is adding to the mood swings and it could be a cause for your depression. Also you have to distance yourself from what ever makes you worse, choose people around you which make you happy and get through this court thing as quickly as possible. I had a inheritance court case going on the past two years and just now ended it, because i could not take the pressure and stress any more. I lost a lot of money, but i am regaining my inner strength. I also stopped any contact with people, especially family members who upset me every time i saw them. Important factor to surround yourself with people who are not stressing you!
Soft hugs
Aruschima
 
Tania, I'm really concerned - you say you have been ambulanced to hospital twice - did they not give you a mental health assessment? Regardless of whether or not the cause is ME, you should be taken seriously. There must be some emergency services you can contact. I'm not sure what country you live in, but look up emergency treatment for mental health on the internet, and get your boyfriend to advocate for you. I wish you the best. Remember the darkest hour is before dawn. You'll get through this. Just mentally let go of the arson charge - it is absolute crap if you were non compos mentis at the time (ie. incapable of rational thought). Just don't even think about it, they can't touch you.
 

Blog entry information

Author
taniaaust1
Views
341
Comments
6
Last update

More entries in User Blogs

More entries from taniaaust1