I wonder how many with ME end up insane due to all the trauma they go throu (or a virus attacking the brain?). Im not only physically and emotionally weak at times, Im nowdays mentally weak too. It's like Ive been pushed to far over an edge.. and my coping mechanisms to stress are nowdays completely screwed. I have no reserves at all to cope with stress.
Ive been away from here for past few days due to being so sensitive, i can hardly even deal with others who have ME themselves. I struggle to deal with people ANYONE, due to the ME taking my trust away in others due to so much bad treatment.
Im so vulerable to stress that ive ended up being ambulanced to hospital twice in past 3 weeks. (once cause someone wrongly thought i was suicidal.. and the other time cause i WAS suicidal).
Then in past 5 days, ive had two incidents where i just lost the plot due to lack of ability to nowdays cope with some major stress in my life (im on attempted arson charges due to a near suicide attempt where i was going to set fire to myself and the stress of this case, is being even more harmful to my mental health).
I ended up going to stab myself with sissors (as inside, im so frustrated at my life) fortunately i managed to instead, turn those sissors against a body part which i couldnt really damage, that being my hair... in a fit of crying on my bed, I grabbed chunkfuls of hair and roughly cut my long hair off. My hair is now shorter then ive ever had it in my life (except when a baby). (To my amazement.. the next day when i looked at myself in a mirror, it actually looked good.. no idea how that happened.. my boyfriend now is cracking jokes how i should be a hairdresser as i cut hair great while upset and not looking at it).
Then yesterday.. had a lawyers appointment (thou once got there in city.. 1.5hr drive.. it had been cancelled).. i stressed so much about that appointment as i dont trust anyone to treat me properly so cant trust my lawyer and im scared of treated badly in jail (thou everyone is telling me that i wont go to jail but i dont trust life itself.. who knows, maybe i will go to jail for going to kill myself as my life has always been unfair). i ended up just before leaving for lawyers loosing it and started slamming my head into a table before turning onto my face and giving myself a bruised cheekbone with some black going into my eye. (my eye has stopped twitching now, fortunately it looks like it isnt going to swell shut).
Having my head slam into hard things was the only way i felt like i could keep a gripe on my sanity. Like pull myself back into the present and stay focused rather then loose the plot completely (umm thou with the head slamming i was loosing the plot too).
That incident was brought on by stress and the xanax i took which im not meant to take, but my boyfriend wanted me to take more then i usually do
... and then it made me loose feel of my body which completely unnerved me and added to my anxiety... hence then me beating myself up so i could feel my body again (and like ground myself). i wish i wasnt so sensitive to drugs.. cause i didnt even take a normal minimum dose, my boyfriend cant understand how it makes me feel, how i can feel bad effects from it.
i really really hope he dont make me take that much of one again (half the lowest dose, im fine with a quarter of the lowest dose pill but half a tablet.. completely unsettling due to feeling like i loose my body as i cant then feel it).
My psychologist has said she is going to try to get a psychriastrist to see me but she isnt sure she can or not (and my GP cant get one to see me as they've all said im fine.... **sighs** how can i be fine when i basically feel like im going insane from all the stress and end up doing crazy things cause i then loose control?? Im completely emotionally dysregulated nowdays).
Past week and a half thou.. i know im depressed. Whether doctor or anyone will believe me when i say that..who knows?? they dont tend to listen to what i say. I expect to be told "no you are mentally fine", like they usually do. I believe i have PTSD from the ME and treatment of me.. but no one will consider that.
Its strange but i havent been right since i almost had that full on seizure.. so maybe all my reaction now is something to do with the ME rather then just intense stress situation??? who knows.
Ive been away from here for past few days due to being so sensitive, i can hardly even deal with others who have ME themselves. I struggle to deal with people ANYONE, due to the ME taking my trust away in others due to so much bad treatment.
Im so vulerable to stress that ive ended up being ambulanced to hospital twice in past 3 weeks. (once cause someone wrongly thought i was suicidal.. and the other time cause i WAS suicidal).
Then in past 5 days, ive had two incidents where i just lost the plot due to lack of ability to nowdays cope with some major stress in my life (im on attempted arson charges due to a near suicide attempt where i was going to set fire to myself and the stress of this case, is being even more harmful to my mental health).
I ended up going to stab myself with sissors (as inside, im so frustrated at my life) fortunately i managed to instead, turn those sissors against a body part which i couldnt really damage, that being my hair... in a fit of crying on my bed, I grabbed chunkfuls of hair and roughly cut my long hair off. My hair is now shorter then ive ever had it in my life (except when a baby). (To my amazement.. the next day when i looked at myself in a mirror, it actually looked good.. no idea how that happened.. my boyfriend now is cracking jokes how i should be a hairdresser as i cut hair great while upset and not looking at it).
Then yesterday.. had a lawyers appointment (thou once got there in city.. 1.5hr drive.. it had been cancelled).. i stressed so much about that appointment as i dont trust anyone to treat me properly so cant trust my lawyer and im scared of treated badly in jail (thou everyone is telling me that i wont go to jail but i dont trust life itself.. who knows, maybe i will go to jail for going to kill myself as my life has always been unfair). i ended up just before leaving for lawyers loosing it and started slamming my head into a table before turning onto my face and giving myself a bruised cheekbone with some black going into my eye. (my eye has stopped twitching now, fortunately it looks like it isnt going to swell shut).
Having my head slam into hard things was the only way i felt like i could keep a gripe on my sanity. Like pull myself back into the present and stay focused rather then loose the plot completely (umm thou with the head slamming i was loosing the plot too).
That incident was brought on by stress and the xanax i took which im not meant to take, but my boyfriend wanted me to take more then i usually do
... and then it made me loose feel of my body which completely unnerved me and added to my anxiety... hence then me beating myself up so i could feel my body again (and like ground myself). i wish i wasnt so sensitive to drugs.. cause i didnt even take a normal minimum dose, my boyfriend cant understand how it makes me feel, how i can feel bad effects from it.i really really hope he dont make me take that much of one again (half the lowest dose, im fine with a quarter of the lowest dose pill but half a tablet.. completely unsettling due to feeling like i loose my body as i cant then feel it).
My psychologist has said she is going to try to get a psychriastrist to see me but she isnt sure she can or not (and my GP cant get one to see me as they've all said im fine.... **sighs** how can i be fine when i basically feel like im going insane from all the stress and end up doing crazy things cause i then loose control?? Im completely emotionally dysregulated nowdays).
Past week and a half thou.. i know im depressed. Whether doctor or anyone will believe me when i say that..who knows?? they dont tend to listen to what i say. I expect to be told "no you are mentally fine", like they usually do. I believe i have PTSD from the ME and treatment of me.. but no one will consider that.
Its strange but i havent been right since i almost had that full on seizure.. so maybe all my reaction now is something to do with the ME rather then just intense stress situation??? who knows.
