I'm writing this because it feels too painful to talk to my family members about it. Painful for them.
I have MCAS and I feel like I've just started another flare of anaphylactic reactions. I had a reaction last night, none today, but I have so many symptoms that are mast cell related. I don't feel like I'm in the clear.
In my last flare I had 20 or 30 episodes in a 3 month period. I really thought I was going to die.
Now I don't know how to face it again. I'm trying to ignore it, but I'm scared. I'm on ketotifen, prednisone, and antihistamines, but my skin is still so itchy I want to rip it off my body.
I don't want to die. I'm 26. I have a husband that's well and loves me. I have 2 beautiful pet rats. I have my adoptive family in America.I am loved and I love many. On my good days, I can feel my potential to recover. Sometimes I even let myself think about what it would be like to have a job and maybe even children. I just want a simple life.
I just want to live.
I used to see a future for myself, but now I can't see it anymore. I see darkness. I have had to make my peace with my mortality, with my illness, before. But I am so scared now. I don't know if I can survive what happened last year again.
In some ways it's funny to think that I was suicidal pre-illness and now that I'm sick, I want to live so badly. I just want to be with my husband and bake and go to the beach and listen to good music.
I have MCAS and I feel like I've just started another flare of anaphylactic reactions. I had a reaction last night, none today, but I have so many symptoms that are mast cell related. I don't feel like I'm in the clear.
In my last flare I had 20 or 30 episodes in a 3 month period. I really thought I was going to die.
Now I don't know how to face it again. I'm trying to ignore it, but I'm scared. I'm on ketotifen, prednisone, and antihistamines, but my skin is still so itchy I want to rip it off my body.
I don't want to die. I'm 26. I have a husband that's well and loves me. I have 2 beautiful pet rats. I have my adoptive family in America.I am loved and I love many. On my good days, I can feel my potential to recover. Sometimes I even let myself think about what it would be like to have a job and maybe even children. I just want a simple life.
I just want to live.
I used to see a future for myself, but now I can't see it anymore. I see darkness. I have had to make my peace with my mortality, with my illness, before. But I am so scared now. I don't know if I can survive what happened last year again.
In some ways it's funny to think that I was suicidal pre-illness and now that I'm sick, I want to live so badly. I just want to be with my husband and bake and go to the beach and listen to good music.