When I got sick I lost my physical ability first and then mentally I declined. As I lost energy, intellect and memory so my world contracted until placing one foot in front of the other was about all I could do. I lived at the lowest level, I existed in a fugue state with sensation, mostly pain, and little else.

At first I tried to hold on to who I remembered myself to be, but after 3 months it had slid away, the tether to my sense of self parted and I drifted off.

The return has been painfully slow and full of setbacks and disorienting, this is territory I don't understand; there is no map and no one to ask.

The process of recovery seems to be one of expansion; pushing the envelope of who I think I am, what I can do and self esteem. It feels like adolescence, finding ones place in the world all over again but without the naivety of youth the doubts can be overwhelming.

It feels like an iterative process where the product, my sense of self, is fed back into the equation and so changes the world that I perceive and my sense of self etc etc.
This is really tiresome as no sooner than I think I know who I am and how the world is than it changes and I have to try to learn it all over again.

The movie 'Memento' seems to be looking at the same territory and then I wonder how accurate my memory is and is this sense of change merely a dynamic forgetting. Am I crossing and recrossing the same border?

I think I am refining a theory of mind but with an awareness that I didn't have when I was younger. I think I have forgotten much that was impressed upon me in childhood and have the chance to live free of it and shape a personality and inhabit a world that is different.

That said there are some tough lessons out there at present. But the proof of the pudding is in the eating and my cookery is transformed.

My all time favourite movie, the good

'I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change.
I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin.
I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.#


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