With only 3 hours of sleep, I finally left the house for the first time in a long time, a trip to the doctors surgery for the first time in just over a year; my last trip there was June last year, when I was told that there was nothing they could offer me, that I needed to wait for the hospital. (An entire year later, I've finally heard from the hospital.) I only went up there today for a blood test. Even though I was tired from lack of sleep, I hoped the appointment would be quick and simple as blood tests usually are. But my head went funny in the car, something it hasn't really done in years, even though my head has always 'dropped' in elevators when they move (I don't know how else to describe the sensation of my head going funny other than 'dropping,' like my brain is in its own elevator). Every turn around a corner set my head off. Then as I stood in line, I fidgeted with my hands because I was afraid I was going to drop right there in the waiting area. I shouldn't have been surprised, then, when the process of taking blood began, that my head immediately went funny, and I became faint. I should have seen this possibility, as my head has been much worse than ever since Autumn, with new sensations like brain zaps and dizziness like I never had before, but I didn't think that a blood test would ever become difficult. I think the reason is because one of my best friends has a phobia of needles, and constantly calls me brave for being able to get blood tests. I have never been afraid of blood tests. So today, when that needle went in and my head responded as though I was afraid, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. The nurse brought me water, told me to eat some sugar when I get home, and shortly after I got home, I burst into tears. My head is really bad, sort of dizzy, faint... my heart feels like it's just going to give up... I feel dangerously weak when I'm standing and walking around (though sitting isn't too much better), my abdomen hurts as always... I'm sucking in air with big breaths... and my muscles are hurting, screaming if they press against the car, against anything.
Truth be told... I'm afraid. I'm becoming more and more scared of my body and I know it's progressing... I have an appointment at the hospital to see a gastroenterologist next month, but I don't know who I'll see. I need it to be the head gastro that I saw last time, the one who heard about my other symptoms... the man I saw the year before... thought I was just anorexic. I'm scared that he might be the one I see. He did not listen when I told him about my reflux and vomiting and night sweats, etc. Somehow, none of that went into his ears. He decided I was anorexic. How could I get him to listen to me now, to read my list of symptoms, to consider something physical and biological and not an eating disorder? I guess it's pointless to worry about it. I don't know who it will be. All I can do is take my list. And myself... knowing what I know. The challenge is... to stand up for myself and my health.
But I'm afraid.
Truth be told... I'm afraid. I'm becoming more and more scared of my body and I know it's progressing... I have an appointment at the hospital to see a gastroenterologist next month, but I don't know who I'll see. I need it to be the head gastro that I saw last time, the one who heard about my other symptoms... the man I saw the year before... thought I was just anorexic. I'm scared that he might be the one I see. He did not listen when I told him about my reflux and vomiting and night sweats, etc. Somehow, none of that went into his ears. He decided I was anorexic. How could I get him to listen to me now, to read my list of symptoms, to consider something physical and biological and not an eating disorder? I guess it's pointless to worry about it. I don't know who it will be. All I can do is take my list. And myself... knowing what I know. The challenge is... to stand up for myself and my health.
But I'm afraid.