Lately i feel i've traded in my straw i was using to stay alive under water for so long for actually getting moments of popping my head above the water. Taking my own deep breaths. Feeling my body relax and begin to recalibrate after eons of massive bodily dysfunction. And then....
Things happen. Life things. As life often does. One of my best friends just entered hospice.
Looking at that sentence is a difficult process for me. She and i met in February of 2018. When my LLMD couldn't figure my case out and called me and asked if i would talk to his other patient whom has a strange case similar to mine. He missed many things with her and i...but i'm so grateful he connected me with her. Shes been like a mother to me these past 5 years. Every morning and every night she messages me good morning sunshine and goodnight (ha, no shes doesn't know my screen name here, just a synchronicity). She has been by my side through incredible trials, and i her. We battled lyme together through so many treatments and through so many seasons. Her and her husband own a 40 acre farm with a tiny bakery and we would often daydream about how when i was the least bit stronger, her husband would come pick me up and her and i would pick apples and bake pies. We had so many dreams. She had so many dreams still. None of this is going to happen. On top of lyme, she began battling the C word.
I feel sad, numb and then moments of acceptance. Press repeat. Its an incredibly difficult process to be with someone whom is leaving...when they do not want to. I am doing my best to let her lead and supporting her in any way that i can that she needs. I love this woman so incredibly much that i can barely imagine my days without her.
Shes so tired though. Shes fought so hard.
So, now, i enter this strange tunnel of letting her go.
This process seemingly tears away everything inside of you and rips your heart out so that all that is left is pure love...for all of it. For life, for the beauty, for the good, the bad, the suffering, all the in between. You enter a space less, timeless realm. You can fall into pure wells of desolation, which i do....
but also, is loss not a birth?
I have experience with knowing it indeed is.
That never makes it easier in this physical realm for us...
but i am working to see the potential that grief and all it entails and holds.
I don't have to participate in this every moment of the day but i can dip my toes in it....regularly.
Letting go is never easy, unless we temporarily numb out...from broken connections, relationships, friendships.....death.
I guess i am being presented with leaning into this more right now. Grief. Letting go. Transmutation.
Flow like water.
In other news, my daughter has been presenting with almost identical symptoms to me since post covid in July. Its so incredibly surreal. Possibly dysautonomia. I will not go into it deeply right now but so far shes also being gaslit by Drs and family. Yet, its so incredibly obvious whats happening. On Friday, she had protein show in her urine and slightly elevated TSH levels, so hopefully this is an invitation for them to actually start listening to her and i. I am so happy i fought for her to get these tests since initially she was dismissed for 2 months. Sigh. So, send healing vibes her way if you feel drawn because this is obviously....unbelievable. I tell myself somehow, someway.
Thank you for listening to me. There is power sometimes in being heard.
Things happen. Life things. As life often does. One of my best friends just entered hospice.
Looking at that sentence is a difficult process for me. She and i met in February of 2018. When my LLMD couldn't figure my case out and called me and asked if i would talk to his other patient whom has a strange case similar to mine. He missed many things with her and i...but i'm so grateful he connected me with her. Shes been like a mother to me these past 5 years. Every morning and every night she messages me good morning sunshine and goodnight (ha, no shes doesn't know my screen name here, just a synchronicity). She has been by my side through incredible trials, and i her. We battled lyme together through so many treatments and through so many seasons. Her and her husband own a 40 acre farm with a tiny bakery and we would often daydream about how when i was the least bit stronger, her husband would come pick me up and her and i would pick apples and bake pies. We had so many dreams. She had so many dreams still. None of this is going to happen. On top of lyme, she began battling the C word.
I feel sad, numb and then moments of acceptance. Press repeat. Its an incredibly difficult process to be with someone whom is leaving...when they do not want to. I am doing my best to let her lead and supporting her in any way that i can that she needs. I love this woman so incredibly much that i can barely imagine my days without her.
Shes so tired though. Shes fought so hard.
So, now, i enter this strange tunnel of letting her go.
This process seemingly tears away everything inside of you and rips your heart out so that all that is left is pure love...for all of it. For life, for the beauty, for the good, the bad, the suffering, all the in between. You enter a space less, timeless realm. You can fall into pure wells of desolation, which i do....
but also, is loss not a birth?
I have experience with knowing it indeed is.
That never makes it easier in this physical realm for us...
but i am working to see the potential that grief and all it entails and holds.
I don't have to participate in this every moment of the day but i can dip my toes in it....regularly.
Letting go is never easy, unless we temporarily numb out...from broken connections, relationships, friendships.....death.
I guess i am being presented with leaning into this more right now. Grief. Letting go. Transmutation.
Flow like water.
In other news, my daughter has been presenting with almost identical symptoms to me since post covid in July. Its so incredibly surreal. Possibly dysautonomia. I will not go into it deeply right now but so far shes also being gaslit by Drs and family. Yet, its so incredibly obvious whats happening. On Friday, she had protein show in her urine and slightly elevated TSH levels, so hopefully this is an invitation for them to actually start listening to her and i. I am so happy i fought for her to get these tests since initially she was dismissed for 2 months. Sigh. So, send healing vibes her way if you feel drawn because this is obviously....unbelievable. I tell myself somehow, someway.
Thank you for listening to me. There is power sometimes in being heard.
