My name is Sunshine. I am 40 years old. I am married and have 2 children. I have been a part of this strange club since 2008 but things took a steep decline in 2016. I entered this universe some of you are familiar with. By 2018, i was fully bedridden with a wheelchair to use the potty and could no longer bathe eventually. In the past 3 years i have only left the house by ambulance, to and from, 5 times. I am given spongebaths and hair washed all in bed, as i can since Feb. 2019 fully. I have been meaning to do this on here for quite a few years, so sometimes you just have to start...nOw.
This was the last picture of me standing and going out. I did not know this was to be the case. Its the strangest thing thinking of one of my last days in the real world. When i look in my eyes, i don't seem like someone whom has any idea of the reality getting ready to hit her. I remember i had trouble walking up the driveway to my friends house this night. Exhausted. Beyond. I was taking potatoes with me and would microwave them at peoples house because i could only drink water and eat a handful of foods at this point. My world was slowly crashing in. The kind of crashing that is slow and eerie but also fast and harsh. I remember my conversations this evening. The election was upcoming. I remember my husband asking me to go upstairs to see a remodeling job they had done....i couldn't. The strength was beginning to be rationed. It was November 2nd, 2016. In 3 short months, my entire world will change and i will be homebound and mostly bedridden. I will no longer drive, shower, walk or cook or eat normally like normal people in the very near future. I am also the mother of a 11 and 3 year old at this point. Our entire worlds come crashing in. A part of me, somedays, is forever stuck here, waiting to return to the reality i once knew. Now, many years have passed and i don't like to do the math but you can do the math of how long i have been here.
I look in her eyes and there is this fear of feeling the turbulence no one can quite identify. Yet, there is also this peace over me. The kinda peace that washes over someone when they are swallowed by a raging river and finally just let go. Its coming for me. Little bits of letting go over and over and over again every single day and every single year. Surrendering to whatever is and whatever will be. Because i am here now, i am not there. But i still look at her. I see her last outfit out. I see this life she used to have. Legs that used to walk, hair that used to be washed and a very different reality from today. It makes me realize she has a story to tell. So, i have decided to tell some of it.
This was the last picture of me standing and going out. I did not know this was to be the case. Its the strangest thing thinking of one of my last days in the real world. When i look in my eyes, i don't seem like someone whom has any idea of the reality getting ready to hit her. I remember i had trouble walking up the driveway to my friends house this night. Exhausted. Beyond. I was taking potatoes with me and would microwave them at peoples house because i could only drink water and eat a handful of foods at this point. My world was slowly crashing in. The kind of crashing that is slow and eerie but also fast and harsh. I remember my conversations this evening. The election was upcoming. I remember my husband asking me to go upstairs to see a remodeling job they had done....i couldn't. The strength was beginning to be rationed. It was November 2nd, 2016. In 3 short months, my entire world will change and i will be homebound and mostly bedridden. I will no longer drive, shower, walk or cook or eat normally like normal people in the very near future. I am also the mother of a 11 and 3 year old at this point. Our entire worlds come crashing in. A part of me, somedays, is forever stuck here, waiting to return to the reality i once knew. Now, many years have passed and i don't like to do the math but you can do the math of how long i have been here.
I look in her eyes and there is this fear of feeling the turbulence no one can quite identify. Yet, there is also this peace over me. The kinda peace that washes over someone when they are swallowed by a raging river and finally just let go. Its coming for me. Little bits of letting go over and over and over again every single day and every single year. Surrendering to whatever is and whatever will be. Because i am here now, i am not there. But i still look at her. I see her last outfit out. I see this life she used to have. Legs that used to walk, hair that used to be washed and a very different reality from today. It makes me realize she has a story to tell. So, i have decided to tell some of it.
