Vent and purge post*****
Trigger warnings
Don’t read further if you don’t want to hear unpleasant things rn.
I’m trying so hard stabilize. To remain positive. But in truth, many nasty things are occurring in my body. I’ve lost track of updates. I took a 4th ambulance in. I’m on home healthcare. Nurse is clueless. She can only do vitals. It’s $399 for a 15 minute visit. Dr orders 2 a week. With a 8200 deductible You do the math. I have no job. My husband is barely getting by. She can’t do ivs or anything. I have a very high deductible it turns out. I’m incredibly unwell and cannot fundraise to cover that to get up to Mayo Clinic. Last 2 er drs and my current gp want me up at Mayo Clinic. Gp was supposed to write a letter to Mayo to get me in. Mayo won’t take anyone with covid within 3 months. Gp not returning phonecalls of where iv treatment is. 2 weeks now. Almost ended up in er a 5th time so hired a private company yesterday. Actually had improvements yesterday. But today has been very scary level bad again. Lungs constantly feel like a swamp. Coughing stuff up still. Feel feverish again today. Still not much voice. It feels like that area is swollen and mad. Almost 6 weeks. And many bad episodes today. Body so weak. Vitals not stable even laying here. Mostly cannot sit up at all again today. But, I don’t have money for hired help, so I have to use commode etc.
I don’t feel optimistic rn. I feel fucking worn down and beat sideways. My gi is freaking out And many other body systems. Eating very hard. Burning poop and pee again. This is like a terrible sinking into the past only with covid chest stuff now. I legitimately do not know how to keep doing this. I go through windows of peace but they seem fleeting. I thought I was getting stronger multiple times but now I’m quite unsure.
If these drs gave a fuck about my case, they would be expediting things, getting me an mri, seeing if this is some type of autoimmune situation or something. I have many abnormal things in bloodwork I’ve been told now past month. Yet, I’m lying in my room alone. The last email my dr sent was how quick can you get to Mayo? Um. Anytime except we are losing days. And I’m losing functioning and today it dawned on me, I’m no longer able to do a family van transport on a new tarp. My vitals cannot even stay stabilized hardly in bed. Laying down. It was a hard realization bc I’ve been so optimistic and eager to get to Mayo to see if they can tell me what is happening since apparently no one in 4 counties here can.
Im tired of being told im complicated. Im tired of nurses staring at me and saying wow, you are going to teach me and my nursing team bc we’ve never had a case like you.
Fucking help me.
Bring me the fluids.
Help my organs get the o2.
And whatever the fuck else needs to happen. Im tired. Im worn out and I’ve been treated like im an inferior human to the rest of the population over and over. When they ask how I ended up so severe, I want to remind them, their negligence created this Frankenstein. But I don’t.
My nurse friend is upset. Understandably. So im mostly trying to not bother most of my support group and friends. Today she told me her and a few others are working on supplying me with a medvac angel flight so I can make it to Mayo. I can’t even understand how expensive that is. Or how that works. Or how my body could even handle that type of pressure when it can’t handle simple car turn 15 minutes away and o2 goes into 80s.
I don’t know.
Part of me feels im losing control, like this is a ship that’s starting to sail on its own and im spiraling out of ideas. Body is reacting to so much that used to help me including homeopathy.
It’s like… I came so far, yet now im holding sand. And where I was planning fun activities for my daughter and I this summer, now im back to praying to survive. All those years of work…. And I’ve fallen…again.
Im not sure how much I can even be in here in coming days. Things are quite rough. Sorry for the agitated update. I wish things were different. Maybe they will be 😭 I don’t know. But they don’t feel good and maybe I came here to have my hand held bc im scared as fuck. Im not brave rn.
Sorry guys.
Love you guys
💗♥️💗
I do hope everyone is well.
Sorry things are not so positive here rn. 🙏
Trigger warnings
Don’t read further if you don’t want to hear unpleasant things rn.
I’m trying so hard stabilize. To remain positive. But in truth, many nasty things are occurring in my body. I’ve lost track of updates. I took a 4th ambulance in. I’m on home healthcare. Nurse is clueless. She can only do vitals. It’s $399 for a 15 minute visit. Dr orders 2 a week. With a 8200 deductible You do the math. I have no job. My husband is barely getting by. She can’t do ivs or anything. I have a very high deductible it turns out. I’m incredibly unwell and cannot fundraise to cover that to get up to Mayo Clinic. Last 2 er drs and my current gp want me up at Mayo Clinic. Gp was supposed to write a letter to Mayo to get me in. Mayo won’t take anyone with covid within 3 months. Gp not returning phonecalls of where iv treatment is. 2 weeks now. Almost ended up in er a 5th time so hired a private company yesterday. Actually had improvements yesterday. But today has been very scary level bad again. Lungs constantly feel like a swamp. Coughing stuff up still. Feel feverish again today. Still not much voice. It feels like that area is swollen and mad. Almost 6 weeks. And many bad episodes today. Body so weak. Vitals not stable even laying here. Mostly cannot sit up at all again today. But, I don’t have money for hired help, so I have to use commode etc.
I don’t feel optimistic rn. I feel fucking worn down and beat sideways. My gi is freaking out And many other body systems. Eating very hard. Burning poop and pee again. This is like a terrible sinking into the past only with covid chest stuff now. I legitimately do not know how to keep doing this. I go through windows of peace but they seem fleeting. I thought I was getting stronger multiple times but now I’m quite unsure.
If these drs gave a fuck about my case, they would be expediting things, getting me an mri, seeing if this is some type of autoimmune situation or something. I have many abnormal things in bloodwork I’ve been told now past month. Yet, I’m lying in my room alone. The last email my dr sent was how quick can you get to Mayo? Um. Anytime except we are losing days. And I’m losing functioning and today it dawned on me, I’m no longer able to do a family van transport on a new tarp. My vitals cannot even stay stabilized hardly in bed. Laying down. It was a hard realization bc I’ve been so optimistic and eager to get to Mayo to see if they can tell me what is happening since apparently no one in 4 counties here can.
Im tired of being told im complicated. Im tired of nurses staring at me and saying wow, you are going to teach me and my nursing team bc we’ve never had a case like you.
Fucking help me.
Bring me the fluids.
Help my organs get the o2.
And whatever the fuck else needs to happen. Im tired. Im worn out and I’ve been treated like im an inferior human to the rest of the population over and over. When they ask how I ended up so severe, I want to remind them, their negligence created this Frankenstein. But I don’t.
My nurse friend is upset. Understandably. So im mostly trying to not bother most of my support group and friends. Today she told me her and a few others are working on supplying me with a medvac angel flight so I can make it to Mayo. I can’t even understand how expensive that is. Or how that works. Or how my body could even handle that type of pressure when it can’t handle simple car turn 15 minutes away and o2 goes into 80s.
I don’t know.
Part of me feels im losing control, like this is a ship that’s starting to sail on its own and im spiraling out of ideas. Body is reacting to so much that used to help me including homeopathy.
It’s like… I came so far, yet now im holding sand. And where I was planning fun activities for my daughter and I this summer, now im back to praying to survive. All those years of work…. And I’ve fallen…again.
Im not sure how much I can even be in here in coming days. Things are quite rough. Sorry for the agitated update. I wish things were different. Maybe they will be 😭 I don’t know. But they don’t feel good and maybe I came here to have my hand held bc im scared as fuck. Im not brave rn.
Sorry guys.
Love you guys
💗♥️💗
I do hope everyone is well.
Sorry things are not so positive here rn. 🙏
