In all the 21 years of being ill, I have never really had a job. I became ill at 18. I was never able to finish college. I have a 2 year degree, but unlike many, that isn't good enough for this type A personality female that I am.
Six years ago, by accident, I started making jewelry and it took off. In one month I made $800 dollars. That was when I first started. I couldn't believe it....I may be on to something here! So, I put my energy into being a jewelry designer, had a website built, made some amazing contacts and amazing sales. To have a show and walk away with a couple thousand dollars was so surreal. I always made minimum wage, and maybe a $100 a week.
But with anything, when something takes off, you have to keep up with the demand. The problem with that is, how can you when you are ill? So here I have this great product, I am looked at for once as being a productive human being, but I am sick.
As the years roll on, my business is still in the works even though the economy has taken a toll on it. But, my health is declining. And not even due to the job. I am able to work from home. I am able to set my own hours. In fact, the job is a light in my never ending darkness known as CFIDS. I was able to take a vacation that was quite expensive due to this job. I have nicer things because of this job. I am grateful.
But as many know with being ill, we only have so many "dollars" to spend in a day. I have 5 "dollars" a day. One dollar may go to taking a shower. The next dollar goes to getting dressed. I have 3 "dollars" left. So, do I go on a date (which is clearly SO much energy) or do I work? Or, do I concentrate on taking care of my health that is deteriorating.
Be careful what you wish for! I got what I always wanted. I got a job. I am now looked at as being special because I have this talent...I am an artist. Woo-hoo! And yes, I am happy about this, but this is not all that I am.
Last year I had a boyfriend for 8 months. An exhausting boyfriend. He would have been exhausting for me had I been well. Had I been well, I probably would have jumped ship earlier. I wanted to work but with him in the picture, I couldn't. He required too much time and energy. He was extremely insecure and wanted my full attention all of the time. My health started slipping so far down. Work ceased. He would hit the buttons that he knew would get me. "How do you ever expect to be in a relationship if you don't make compromises? Why can't you make that necklace tomorrow?" Because tomorrow, I might not be able to! It was awful and it ruined my self esteem. Wanting love and a job. So, I dumped him because I knew I could never fill the missing void within him. Am I happy about that? I am better off, but I am miserable realizing that I even if he had been "stable" I might not have been able to keep it going.
To me, a job is almost more important than a relationship. Perhaps the reason for that is because I have yet to meet a man who could handle my limitations. I have had horrible things said to me. My job doesn't do that! My job doesn't say horrible things to me. In fact, it keeps clothes on my back. It gives me a purpose. I used to be such a romantic. Not so much anymore.
Even if he hadn't been a needy person, I still would have a hard time having a business and having a relationship. Should I spend this dollar on working or having sex with this person? Actually, that physical activity might require 2 "dollars", but I only have 5! And sex in itself is almost traumatizing because I have interstitial cystitis, so sex causes such anxiety. Will I have a flare? Will I get an infection? All of these questions...it's exhausting.
If I do this, this might happen, if I do that, what will happen?
It's a juggling act. One I am sick of.
The crossroads comes into play because now I am quite ill. That relationship and the disappointment of it not working in spite of all efforts and the fact that my hormones are wreaking so much havoc on me, are causing me to now choose between work and trying to get better.
I am choosing both. I am choosing to try and get better most importantly. But what sadness comes in. I want to get married. I want a partner. I want to be able to juggle all of these gifts. But I can't.
I have learned a valuable lessen. I am glad that I have a job and that I have a talent. But that is not who I am. I have had to wrap my head around that; that I am not defined by my job. I realize why I did that because for years I was defined by this illness alone. To be looked at like I am some celebrity due to my job has been....well, for someone who failed to launch, a wonderful thing.
And now I am back to being sick, really sick again. So, now I have to look at myself as that. A sick girl. Or, am I that talent? You get what I am saying. I am at a crossroads.
Six years ago, by accident, I started making jewelry and it took off. In one month I made $800 dollars. That was when I first started. I couldn't believe it....I may be on to something here! So, I put my energy into being a jewelry designer, had a website built, made some amazing contacts and amazing sales. To have a show and walk away with a couple thousand dollars was so surreal. I always made minimum wage, and maybe a $100 a week.
But with anything, when something takes off, you have to keep up with the demand. The problem with that is, how can you when you are ill? So here I have this great product, I am looked at for once as being a productive human being, but I am sick.
As the years roll on, my business is still in the works even though the economy has taken a toll on it. But, my health is declining. And not even due to the job. I am able to work from home. I am able to set my own hours. In fact, the job is a light in my never ending darkness known as CFIDS. I was able to take a vacation that was quite expensive due to this job. I have nicer things because of this job. I am grateful.
But as many know with being ill, we only have so many "dollars" to spend in a day. I have 5 "dollars" a day. One dollar may go to taking a shower. The next dollar goes to getting dressed. I have 3 "dollars" left. So, do I go on a date (which is clearly SO much energy) or do I work? Or, do I concentrate on taking care of my health that is deteriorating.
Be careful what you wish for! I got what I always wanted. I got a job. I am now looked at as being special because I have this talent...I am an artist. Woo-hoo! And yes, I am happy about this, but this is not all that I am.
Last year I had a boyfriend for 8 months. An exhausting boyfriend. He would have been exhausting for me had I been well. Had I been well, I probably would have jumped ship earlier. I wanted to work but with him in the picture, I couldn't. He required too much time and energy. He was extremely insecure and wanted my full attention all of the time. My health started slipping so far down. Work ceased. He would hit the buttons that he knew would get me. "How do you ever expect to be in a relationship if you don't make compromises? Why can't you make that necklace tomorrow?" Because tomorrow, I might not be able to! It was awful and it ruined my self esteem. Wanting love and a job. So, I dumped him because I knew I could never fill the missing void within him. Am I happy about that? I am better off, but I am miserable realizing that I even if he had been "stable" I might not have been able to keep it going.
To me, a job is almost more important than a relationship. Perhaps the reason for that is because I have yet to meet a man who could handle my limitations. I have had horrible things said to me. My job doesn't do that! My job doesn't say horrible things to me. In fact, it keeps clothes on my back. It gives me a purpose. I used to be such a romantic. Not so much anymore.
Even if he hadn't been a needy person, I still would have a hard time having a business and having a relationship. Should I spend this dollar on working or having sex with this person? Actually, that physical activity might require 2 "dollars", but I only have 5! And sex in itself is almost traumatizing because I have interstitial cystitis, so sex causes such anxiety. Will I have a flare? Will I get an infection? All of these questions...it's exhausting.
If I do this, this might happen, if I do that, what will happen?
It's a juggling act. One I am sick of.
The crossroads comes into play because now I am quite ill. That relationship and the disappointment of it not working in spite of all efforts and the fact that my hormones are wreaking so much havoc on me, are causing me to now choose between work and trying to get better.
I am choosing both. I am choosing to try and get better most importantly. But what sadness comes in. I want to get married. I want a partner. I want to be able to juggle all of these gifts. But I can't.
I have learned a valuable lessen. I am glad that I have a job and that I have a talent. But that is not who I am. I have had to wrap my head around that; that I am not defined by my job. I realize why I did that because for years I was defined by this illness alone. To be looked at like I am some celebrity due to my job has been....well, for someone who failed to launch, a wonderful thing.
And now I am back to being sick, really sick again. So, now I have to look at myself as that. A sick girl. Or, am I that talent? You get what I am saying. I am at a crossroads.
