Dating...

[markmc20001]

You're right, Mark, it's value for value. Besides, walking the dog and having sex and watching t.v. is in the upper percentile for most relationships anyway...I know a number of "healthy" couples who are so stressed by life and kids and the long years of marriage they don't walk the dog together nor have sex anymore.

So. Your value changes when you get sick, so you have to look at your new status on the ladder (lower) and see who's at your level. Sounds crude but there's some reality in it. You may also have gained some new perspectives (athletics is nice, but a kind heart is more significant). You may find yourself interested in someone who can offer things that you didn't even notice before.

Even so, it's hard to be sick and that's the truth.

Heya Jenbooks. Wow, that's really terrible married people would be able to live together that way. I guess it can happen over time, but geeze seems like the couple should be willing to work at the relationship more than that. Just not having sex and walking the dog together? I feel so sorry for the poor dogs!

I guess the athletics are nice for me, but more importantly just finding a woman that trys to stay healthy and look good is important. Probably women are looking at men thinking, if I could just find a guy who is ambitious and confident.

Michelle,

Thanks for breaking the ice on how you get by sexually on a topic that is often difficult for most people to discuss. It's great you are getting some sexual pleasure when you can!

I also admire your positive outlook and ability to get the most out of life. You are truely inspirational for me by the way you have overcome your health problems and have made the best out of it.

wishing you all the best,
Mark

 

[Sammy]

For anyone single here...

Are you able to go on dates and try to find a mate? Being a guy, I feel that I have to be the "pursuer", but most days it takes everything I have just to get up, shower, and put in a full day's work - courting someone is just not something at the forefront of my mind most of the time.

So guy or girl, if you're single, do you find the time to try the dating scene, and if so how do you go about it? When I was healthy I would just meet people through work or social events, but as I don't get out as much these leads have sort of dried up.

Thoughts?

Hi guys, this is my first post

Christopher. . . feel the same way. . .

I jus want a companion, next to nothing to do, with the physical stuff. . .

Just skimmed through this thread, about to read it now

 

[BEG]

Personally, I have an angelic husband who is very stressed out and I keep trying to remind myself that I am worth it....but when I am very ill, all I can think of is finding him his second wife....sad but true

marylib, Thanks so much for this post! For the already marrieds, it IS so difficult watching the struggling spouse work, run the errands, and serve as caregiver. The loss of my income alone for the past decade has put a great strain on my husband. He is self-employed. I watch him work harder, longer hours, and put incredible effort into new products and markets. He is stressed and he has aged.

Of course we love each other, but it really gives new meaning to the phrase "in sickness and in health." My guilt is enormous. It's not so much another wife I wish for him, it's freedom. Free to find a new healthy partner if he wants to. Free to do the activities I can't. Free to relax a little at work. Free to travel to faraway places. He didn't sign up for this. CFS marriages end in divorce more often than regular marriages (for lack of a better term.) It's a very sad casualty of the disease.

 

[Sing]

From Brown Eyed Girl: "Free to travel to faraway places. He didn't sign up for this. CFS marriages end in divorce more often than regular marriages (for lack of a better term.) It's a very sad casualty of the disease."

My eye combined words from different sentences to name what I have as,

the faraway disease​

​

I live alone. Everyone is gone. That is how it seems at least. Many do live far away, all my relatives, not that I'd be associating with some of them if they were here. My dearest ones are gone, let's put it that way. Half my friends have moved away. The remainder are busy and psychologically I am moving away from them. I can't do the things they enjoy; can't keep up with the conversation or activities; I am not in life on the same terms or even comprehensible terms. I see a few people here and there--that is how it seems.

My own truth is that I am a mixture of very social--this is the affiliative, lonely part--and someone who wants to be alone because that is how I best stay in balance and find depth in life.

Cecelia

 

[leelaplay]

My eye combined words from different sentences to name what I have as,

the faraway disease​

My own truth is that I am a mixture of very social--this is the affiliative, lonely part--and someone who wants to be alone because that is how I best stay in balance and find depth in life.

Cecelia

Hi cecelia

Love how we see mirrors of ourselves everywhere. Even pre-illness I had considered myself a social hermit. I love my family and friends, and in general, like people, and need regular close contact. But also need my time alone. Of course, with ME/CFS, the time alone part has increased drastically.

disjointed connection -

just noticed the tissues in my purse. I found these in some store and had to buy them as they rang a bell for me - not a totally accurate reflection of my dating career - but part of it for sure -

In looking for the picture to share, found what looks like the artist's page selling these as fridge magnets

islandfinn

 

[dannybex]

I don't think people will flee, Danny. I'm sure you have many wonderful qualities. It may be that they don't really understand, and may think their capacity to be with a person who is unwell is greater than it turns out to be on a daily basis. On the other hand, if they've had their own hard knocks in life they just might appreciate a guy with sensitivity.

Thanks Jen. I think part of the problem is that for many years CFS-blah,blah,blah was always one of the first things that came out of my mouth. After awhile, no matter the illness or situation, people naturally grow tired of that. I wish I had recognized this earlier.

But...can't do anything about the past...have to take what we've learned and go forward.

I asked Ken Lassesen why he thought the vast majority of folks tend to dismiss it, or not want to talk about it at all, and he gave a surprising answer -- and that is that in some cases, it could be because at some deep level that they don't even realize, they're terrified that CFS may indeed be real, and if it's real, then they could get it too. So...it's best to negate it as quickly as possible.

???

 

[dannybex]

That feeling of letting others down still plays out unconciously for a while before I catch myself. Continually comparing what me now can (or can't) do compared to pre-ME could do. It's like I'm apologizing for myself. Seeing myself as unworthy because I can't 'do' (or think) in the same way. Fortunately I have good friends who tell me that it gets a bit boring to hear all the time and others that remind me that I'm stuck in my story, so I snap out of it and try to let go of that story and just "be here now" (my 1st taste of Indian metaphysics and still working for me).

See - I told you I have a hard time articulating this! Hope some of it is clear and maybe useful.

if

Very useful, and very articulate! And right on point, esp this:

"It's like I'm apologizing for myself. Seeing myself as unworthy because I can't 'do' (or think) in the same way."

We must be psychic friends. It's definitely a pattern that needs to be broken...but takes some time doing so, especially if one had that tendency pre-illness as well. Not naming any names here...just sayin'!

 

[dannybex]

There has been a Yahoo group for about 6 years., maybe more.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/CFIDSandFMSingles/

Hi Koan,

I actually signed up for it years ago, but didn't check it too often as it always seemed to be populated by handsome women named Natasha who learned their English by watching reruns of Falcon Crest and Whos the Boss. Women who could arm wrestle us to the ground with 9 fingers tied behind their back, a not too difficult sport when ones opponent has the upper body strength of an anemic kitten.

Seriously, I do know a guy from our group who, in the process of getting well, dropped all of his expectations in every aspect of his life, and not only recovered completely, but got married within the following year, and now has 2 kids and a demanding job.

So it does and can happen...I keep telling myself.

 

[Marylib]

For Dannybex and Islandfinn

I asked Ken Lassesen why he thought the vast majority of folks tend to dismiss it, or not want to talk about it at all, and he gave a surprising answer -- and that is that in some cases, it could be because at some deep level that they don't even realize, they're terrified that CFS may indeed be real, and if it's real, then they could get it too. So...it's best to negate it as quickly as possible.

???

Yep, I think that is what is going on many times. Gee whiz when I spoke recently with my own father, I replied to his 'how are you?' by telling him I was unfortunately doing worse than ever. He replied "Well...maybe you will get better! Gotta run..."

Charming.

Hey Island Finn -- love that magnet.

 

[zoe.a.m.]

I actually signed up for it years ago, but didn't check it too often as it always seemed to be populated by handsome women named Natasha who learned their English by watching reruns of Falcon Crest and Whos the Boss. Women who could arm wrestle us to the ground with 9 fingers tied behind their back, a not too difficult sport when ones opponent has the upper body strength of an anemic kitten.

I realize this was for Koan, but I had to say thanks for the gallows humor--I'm in need of a helping! I still can't get over the "...learned their English by watching reruns of "Falcon Crest" and "Who's the Boss." Ha!

Just finding my way to the lounge area after so many weeks and so happy to find this thread. Now I just need a few days to read backwards and figure out what everyone's talking about!

 

[jenbooks]

Danny and the arm-wrestling Natashas...

Thanks Jen. I think part of the problem is that for many years CFS-blah,blah,blah was always one of the first things that came out of my mouth. After awhile, no matter the illness or situation, people naturally grow tired of that. I wish I had recognized this earlier.

But...can't do anything about the past...have to take what we've learned and go forward.

I asked Ken Lassesen why he thought the vast majority of folks tend to dismiss it, or not want to talk about it at all, and he gave a surprising answer -- and that is that in some cases, it could be because at some deep level that they don't even realize, they're terrified that CFS may indeed be real, and if it's real, then they could get it too. So...it's best to negate it as quickly as possible.

???

Danny that was a very funny image in your other post.

I don't agree with Ken. We're a psychologizing culture and most people don't take cfs seriously -- nor lyme. Which is why one editor 'friend' of mine had the gall to write me last week to stop whining about my fate and get out of my victimhood. That's not because he's scared, it's because he doesn't take me seriously. We're also a visual species. A guy I knew with juvenile diabetes said he got more empathy and inquiries about his minor wrist surgery than the two years he dialysed daily at home after his kidneys failed and before he got a transplant. They didn't see him dialyse nor see toxins in his blood. They saw the cast on his wrist.

But that aside I hope you meet somebody. I guess it's worth trying an online dating service as that's easily done on the computer and you can be honest in your profile and answers. Nothing to lose except a bit of time.

 

[dannybex]

I don't agree with Ken. We're a psychologizing culture and most people don't take cfs seriously -- nor lyme. Which is why one editor 'friend' of mine had the gall to write me last week to stop whining about my fate and get out of my victimhood. That's not because he's scared, it's because he doesn't take me seriously. We're also a visual species. A guy I knew with juvenile diabetes said he got more empathy and inquiries about his minor wrist surgery than the two years he dialysed daily at home after his kidneys failed and before he got a transplant. They didn't see him dialyse nor see toxins in his blood. They saw the cast on his wrist.

Totally understand. That's why I said he thinks that 'some' people may be reacting out of fear. There's no doubt that perhaps the majority are reacting because they just don't get it, and certainly don't take it seriously.

I've had the same situation happen as you've described...I could write a novel (if I could only write!). My ex-bosses treated me exactly the same way as your editor...for years. They kept saying, 'go to a REAL doctor' (instead of a naturopath). So I did, and tried several sleep meds, about five antidepressants, only to become weaker and weaker, extremely oversensitive to noise and light, and also very close to suicide.

One relatively recent example: Two "friends" of mine for years have smirked and literally laughed in face when I start to talk about CFS, especially when I discuss how severely disabling it can become. But when I ran into them about a year ago and mentioned that I had just become (borderline) anemic...then their eyes bugged out a bit, and they listened...because anemia is REAL.

oy......

MaryLib: That's so sad, esp coming from your father. But so very common. There are some very kind and compassionate people out there, but then there are some personalities that just cannot handle any talk of illness, esp CFS. It's like they're saying "la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la"...just to block it out...so in those cases, I would agree with Ken. They just can't handle the truth.

Thanks all for the kind words.

 

[froufox]

LOL very funny, thnx for the laugh

I actually signed up for it years ago, but didn't check it too often as it always seemed to be populated by handsome women named Natasha who learned their English by watching reruns of Falcon Crest and Whos the Boss. Women who could arm wrestle us to the ground with 9 fingers tied behind their back, a not too difficult sport when ones opponent has the upper body strength of an anemic kitten.

 

[mezombie]

Dating leads

When I was healthy I would just meet people through work or social events, but as I don't get out as much these leads have sort of dried up.

Thoughts?

Hi Christopher,

I wonder if you have checked out www.meetup.com? Meetups are informal groups organized around common location and interests. Once you register, you just have to put in your zip code and interests. A lot of single people attend them, though there are couples as well.

Marie

 

[sarahg]

The thing I keep coming up against, a rather conflicting position, and I sure some can relate- is that,

1.Many of us cannot get out in public even for events or gathering with friends or family as often or for as long as one would like. Therefore greatly reducing the chances of meeting new people.

at the same time
2. We may be too proud, freaked out, stubborn or any other number of things to try meeting someone on the internet.

I haven't figured out a way around this yet, or a way to reconcile these two ideas.

but I'll bet I'm not the only one here who walks around the grocery store hoping to meet someone! (has never and will probably never actually happen, which I will continue to comfortingly blame on the lameness of the grocery store, and not the stupidity of this hope)

 

[jenbooks]

Internet Dating

Internet dating can be frustrating--a lot of time sifting through profiles, answers, emails, phone calls, and meetings--none of which may result in a relationship. OTOH it's a good way to cross paths with someone you never would have, and to be honest upfront about what you're looking for and your virtues and flaws. I did not meet my bf that way, but I've tried it in the past (seems like everybody in NYC does?) and it was entertaining and pleasantly distracting. Meanwhile one friend of mine is now married to a woman he met that way.

The things to be wary of with internet dating: a married person masquerading as single (and since most people use cellphones and texting these days, you might not know right away), or similarly, a person in a "committed" relationship looking around...someone lying about their age, not just shaving off a few years but five or ten...someone who lives far away and you think to yourself, but I like them so much, you never know...(ie getting into a long distance relationship that will require a move by one or the other)...and people basically self inflating and hiding serious issues...

 

[Sunday]

oh sarahg, I could have written your post, but why do it when you already have, so honesty and so entertainingly.

 

[markmc20001]

grocery store

ok good one sarah. I guess it is the guys job to come up and make some kind of a move in the grocery store? Or do you try and drop some produce to get his attention? I have thought about trying to ask somebody out in a grocery store too. I think I may have tried it one time. Can't remember what I said. Maybe something like, What would you like me to make you for breakfast tomorrow? hmmm. no that wouldn't work. How about, "Hi I see you are looking at cucumbers, are you planning on making a salad?" Ahhh no that wouldn't work. How about Hi my name is mark, can I have your email and I will send you some good recipes for butterbnut squash soup?

I'll work on that.

 

[sarahg]

I've never thought it out that far, I've never actually seen someone interesting looking in said grocery store! ( I swear I'm the only person who goes there who's not a senior citizen) hence, my validity in continuing to blame it on the grocery store.

That said, it's not the most hair brained plan, I once had a great relationship with someone I met picking through a barrel of potatoes in a grocery store... and that was even well before food shopping seemed at times to be my only contact with the outside world!


Jen- that's really interesting that a lot of people you know have tried internet dating. Since you live in NYC, I wonder if that is a more common route in exceedingly urban areas? I guess I have this huge bias against it as something my friend's moms occasionally do out of boredom. I also think I have a bias in that no one my age would be doing it and it would all be people much older. I don't know if that's true or not but I seem to have a conviction that if someone my age is on dating websites there's got to be something seriously wrong with them. I could see it as something to try in a few years maybe, I guess I am still stubborn and skittish enough that I'm not ready for trying to discern stuff like that through a computer.

 

[Christopher]

but I'll bet I'm not the only one here who walks around the grocery store hoping to meet someone! (has never and will probably never actually happen, which I will continue to comfortingly blame on the lameness of the grocery store, and not the stupidity of this hope)

I'll see your grocery store and raise you looking around while I'm stopped at a red light.