Sorry this is long, and I hope that it does not sound as if I think that everyone reading will share my beliefs. I definitely do not make that assumption, nor am I trying to convert anyone, or anything.....I am just sharing my story.
From what I have read so far (only managed to get thru a little more than the first page) this is a great discussion. I hope to find the energy to read more soon, but I wanted to say that I can certainly relate to what I have read.
I grew up believing in God and going to church, then starting at age 11 and occurring at various times and perpetuated by more than one person, I went thru a lot of abuse (various types, not by my parents or brother, thankfully)....anyway, it wound up impacting my feelings about God (not in the positive, but to just say it had a negative impact would be simplifying it too much....regardless, I pulled away from God & church for quite some time, and developed all sorts of bad coping mechanisms, which also affected my relationship with God (one of these was an eating disorder that lasted from age 11 till 31)
After feeling lost for a long time and getting help for my various issues, I began to want God back in my life, and to feel envious of the people who seemed to have the sort of close relationship with God and with Christ that I wanted....I started to hang out more with them & to go back to church, but was still feeling a bit separate and sort of like I was faking it.....still I kept going. I truly believe that God and the people He put into my life were a big part of the reason I finally beat the ED. Ironically, the other reasons were that I wanted to be healthy
and I had also noticed that the ED was affecting my running and I could not stand to give that up. (Thank you CFIDS for destroying both my health and my running a few yrs later!
)
Anyway, I did recognize that God was still very much in my life, and was helping me thru stuff, though I still did not feel the connection that I desired. I had a few decent yrs (having recovered from the ED and worked on the other issues, and I started planning a career as a counselor. I wanted to help others with similar stuff, and I thought that was somethign that God wanted me to do, too. Right before grad school was to start, I was in a very bad car accident. I started grad school though I was dealing with post concussive syndrome and could not think clearly at all, was still working, but making very little (though I would welcome that salary now!), was stressed about money and school, and then my grandma (last remaining grandparent) died......all that did a number on my immune system and I got mono, and well, you can guess where that led......yep, the joyous days of CFIDS, FM, MCS, etc.
I was really down, but shortly after the accident and the onset of CFS, I had been reading thru a Bible study and God somehow got thru to me that I was really and truly His child, He had really and truly included me in the salvation that His Son was sent here to accomplish, and I was really and truly loved and forgiven. I finally really understood that I was saved, and for awhile that helped my relationship with Him to improve so much. I had found the answers I had been longing for and I was prepared to trust God with everything, no matter what.
Then my illnesses got worse....I did finish grad school, but doing so combined with the internship and everything in my life made the CFS much worse, so I could barley function at all, and have not actually worked (other than the internship) as a counselor. So, I couldn't work, I began to have no life, could not even make it to church many times, and felt like I was losing all the people who mattered to me bc they did not understand.
This caused me to really question God. I mean, I thought I was doing what He wanted and trusting Him and how on earth was CFS supposed to fit into this picture? I could/can not take care of myself very well at all, can not work, so how could I help anyone else and if He put me on earth for a purpose what was it? Being useless and alone did not seem to fit with any purpose I could see.
And, the responses from church members were often not the best. Some tried to understand, and I didn't get much outright condemnation, but there were certainly enough off responses that I began to feel like they thought I just didn't have enough faith or was somehow doing something wrong and bringing this on myself. Or, people just slipped away. They didn't seem to care that I was not there much anymore, or responded in other ways that hurt. There was even a pastor/counselor who automatically assumed that CFS was depression & that the time I wound up leaving church via ambulance unable to breathe, with chest pains, light headedness, etc was anxiety. (I have not had issues with severe anxiety and even if I had, church was the LAST place I would have felt that way......I loved church and often wished I could spend more time there.) Anyway, his response, though still compassionate, was obviously completely missing the mark and made me very upset - enough that I almost left that church.
Since I am limited as to which church I can attend, though, bc I absolutely do not function in the mornings at all, and since I liked the church overall, I decided to stick around. I started praying for God to help me understand the passages in the Bible about illness and the ones about trials. I had been doing a good job of turning them into condemnation until that point, and I knew that's not what they were about. I also wanted answers to give to people who thought that I must be bringing this sickness on myself. I hung onto the fact that the church is made up of people - flawed human beings, and that though some of them might hurt me, they were not God. I was going to church for fellowship, but I was also (and predominately) going to worship and learn about God, and I couldn't allow hurt caused by fellow sinners to draw me away from church (I believe that we are all sinners - we all mess up- and that's why we need Him).
Well, God answered my prayers.....and apparently He thought that I needed the answers really driven into my dense (brain fogged) head, too!
(I would say that I agree with Him on that point) Over the next year and a half, the very verses I had struggled with were brought up repeatedly (& I mean repeatedly) by various sources, and I began to understand that they were meant to encourage, not to condemn. Additionally, God made His presence felt more strongly than ever, esp during those times when I felt so alone in this and so down and just did not want to be here.
I began to feel that my illness had actually brought me closer to Him and though I would really like to retain that closeness AND GET BETTER, I have found it a little easier to accept that being sick actually has been part of God's plan for my life - that He is using even this for good. (I STILL WANT TO GET BETTER, but that realization has helped.) I also began to feel very strongly called to start a chronic illness/chronic pain ministry at my church. I saw more and more the need for it, and felt God telling me that rather than let the lack of support and understanding drive me away, I should step in and remedy things.
Of course, I thought that He was crazy - after all I can barely function these days....how the heck am I supposed to do this?!!?! I prayed about it a lot, and wrote down a bunch of ideas and steps, and started running it by a few people who know me well and understand what I am dealing with. (There are still a few of them around.) Instead of shooting me down as expected, they all loved the idea and thought that I was uniquely suited for it. So, I brought it up to a couple of people in the church. They also thought it was a great idea. So, I talked to the pastor of grp life and he REALLY loved the idea, but he said that i also needed to talk with the very pastor who seemed to believe that I was a mental case. Ugh!
Well, I did go ahead and email him and we have been trying to set up a day to get together to talk it over, and he does seem open to the idea, but I still have no idea how I am going to get the needed support to pull it off......but I am still trusting that if God wants it to happen, it will.
Currently, though there are areas where it is tougher to trust Him (like money - rather the huge lack of it), I am mostly much better at letting Him be in control and trusting that this life is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is yet to come. Much of the time I really wish that He would decide to take me home, but believing that that day will come has made it easier to deal with this life.
So, that is where I am in my spiritual journey, for what it is worth. And, wow, that was a bit of a book....did not plan to write so much, and that is actually making it as short as possible.
