An Ode to Pain Virgins...

Written at age 27...

You say that I'm changing,
you say I'm not the same,
do you really think,
that I can be,
unchanged by years of pain?

You say I'm hard to live with,
that its also tough on you,
you couldn't care less,
of the things you put me though.

Show me a person,
who can keep a false grin,
fixed upon their lips,
as their sanity wears thin.

Show me a person,
who forever lives in fear,
who can keep up the pleasantries,
when agony is near.

I'll bow down to this person,
if they indeed exist,
this person who can smile,
while the suffering persists.

I'm afraid I'm not that person,
and neither am I great,
I'm the silent, withdrawn misery,
who you try hard not to hate.

I am only a person,
at the end of the day,
who fears the possibility,
of never finding a way.

To escape this torment,
that claws at my soul,
this endless possession,
that will not let go.

You refuse to listen,
and you'll never understand,
that I'm merely a puppet,
awaiting command.

I laugh when I'm able,
force a smile you can see,
but for heaven's sake,
can't you see the real me?

Inside I am squirming,
and screaming and raw,
I'm twisted and knarled,
I'm broken and sore.

I'm twitching and shaking,
and swirling and swaying,
I'm fighting and hoping,
and constantly praying.

You know not of suffering,
you've always been free,
we live in different worlds,
you and me.

You take it for granted,
when you wake each day,
that your body will do,
exactly as you say.

When I wake each morning,
I am filled with dread,
as the demon's claws,
tear the flesh from my head.

I put on mental armour,
till it chokes me and it smothers,
I mould my outer appearance,
until I'm acceptable to others.

I wouldn't want to scare them,
with the world in which I live,
I try to sound appreciative,
of the little help they give.

I want you for a second,
to know what I go through,
I want you to suffer,
the way that I have to.

I know this sounds selfish,
but what do I care?
I don't know a day,
when the pain isn't there.

Yes I am bitter,
and yes I'm full of rage,
I'm a wild, restless animal,
locked up in a cage.

Why it chose me,
I haven't a clue,
But I pray that you're greatful,
that it didn't choose you.

You've never ever been there,
of felt the pain unfold,
so don't you dare to judge me,
till you've visited my world...

Comments

a very powerful poem HHNF. I am so sorry you are in a position to write it.
 
Wow! Great writing, really captures some of the tough emotions and struggles that come along with this illness.
 

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Hell...Hath...No...Fury..
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