I know that anomia thing alright. My conversations are continually interrupted with "you know, that thing you eat with, isn't sharp.... right! Spoon!... Okay, so...."
My most amusing and disconcerting experience was a whole evening of crazy experiences set off by one fog event which cascaded:
My then high school daughter had an evening exam at the university. Because my husband was out of town, it was my job to do the transport, even though I didn't usually drive at that stage in my illness.
After taking my daughter to her exam, I was exhausted. I knew I would fall asleep, so, being proactive (I was so proud of myself), I set 3 different phones to their loudest ringtones and set them next to the bed. Then I could lie down in comfort, knowing that I would hear the phone when she called.
Well, 45minutes later, the doorbell rang. I knew it was the doorbell, but it was stuck in my mind that if a bell rang, it was critical for my daughter's well-being that I answer it.
I leaped out of bed, dashed down the hall.... and fell down the stairs.
You'd think that would shake a little sense into me, but no. I
had to answer the door! I crawled to the door, pulled myself up by the door handle, and signed for the parcel handed to me by a rather stunned-looking UPS man.
You think that's enough? No! I walked across the room, put the parcel down on a table and then thought, "If I don't lay down, I'm going to pass out." Still fixated on the phone/daughter thing, I grabbed the nearest phone and collapsed. Oh my! I'd better call my friend so she can pick up my daughter if I pass out.
I called my friend, but her daughter answered the phone. All I could think of to say to the poor kid was, "I fell down the stairs."
Long silence.
"Are you okay?"
"I think so."
Long silence.
"Um... did you hit your head?"
"No."
"Um... do you need help?"
"I dunno."
Long silence.
"My mom says we'll be there in 15 minutes"
My friend and her daughter arrive to find me laying on the sofa with my foot propped up on the arm.
Did you hurt yourself?
I dunno.
Do you need to go to the ER?
I dunno.
Did you hit your head?
Why do they keep asking about my head? My head didnt hit anything.
No. I think I might have twisted my ankle.
No sh**, Sherlock. Cant put weight on it, swollen like a balloon, nearly passed out from pain.
They decided I needed to go to the ER. They have to tell me I need a wheelchair, because somehow I cant figure this out and start to try to limp/crawl out of the car. None of this is important, you see, because what is important is that I have to pick up my daughter after her exam.
In the ER:
So, what happened here?
I fell down the stairs.
Expectant pause. Whats his problem? I answered his question. Why is he looking at me like that?
Well, does anything hurt?
My ankle, a bit.
A bit? Ooookay. Well. Lets take an x-ray just in case.
In rolls the portable x-ray machine. As he's taking the x-ray, he says,
"Oh by the way, I have to ask -- Did you fall down the stairs on your own?"
I look at the doctor blankly. What does he think, I made a party of it? Invited all my friends over to fall down the stairs together?
My friend leans over and says, "He means, did someone push you down the stairs, or trip you."
I look at them both like they're idiots. I was home alone; there was no one there to push me down the stairs. What are they thinking?
"I was home alone," I say.
The doctor exchanges meaningful glances with my friend and leaves the room x-ray machine in tow.
A few minutes later:
Well theres your problem.
He hands me the x-ray film. I look at it blankly. Some white lines. Its foot bones. I look at the doctor blankly.
Are you sure you didnt hit your head? he asks.
My friend takes the film from me, glances at it and says, Oh, yeah, not good.
What? I ask in exasperation. Honestly, do we have to play guessing games? Can we just get on with things? I have to pick up my daughter, for heavens sake.
My friend puts the film in front of me and speaking slowly and carefully says, See here where the bones dont line up? That means theres a broken bone in your foot.
Oh.
Will I be able to drive? I need to pick up my daughter after her exam.
Friend and doctor exchange knowing looks above my head. What is with these people?
Well put a temporary boot on this and you can have the orthopedic surgeon set it in a couple of days when the swelling goes down. I dont want you walking on this at all in the meantime.
But I have to go
Yes, yes! Well get your daughter after her exam.
Well, after all that, at least I picked my daughter up after the exam, right? Wrong!
Her exam took only an hour instead of the 2 hours I was expecting. She called while I was in the ER, where, it turns out, one cant get a cell phone signal. After trying to call me for 20mins, she calls her Dad whos out of town. He figures I fell asleep and didnt hear the phone and advises our daughter to take a cab home.
She gets home. The lights are blazing. She heads up to my bedroom and finds the bedclothes dragged off the bed and halfway down the hall. Back downstairs. A mysterious package. My purse is gone.
She goes out to the garage. Both cars are still there. She looks in the cars. No mom. She looks under the cars. I wasnt there, either. (I dont want to know what she was thinking.)
Now, shes scared. She calls my friend. No answer (her cell phone is in the ER, too). She calls again, still no answer. Again. No answer.
As we leave the ER, my friends cell phone rings. Her daughter looks at it and says, Its her. My friend and I look at each other in astonishment. Why is she calling my friend instead of me? A look of horror drifts across my friends face. She grabs the phone and says, Your moms fine. Where are you? Okay, well see you there in a few minutes. Dont worry, everythings fine.
Are we going to pick her up on the way home?
No, shes at home already.
No. She cant be home. I didnt pick her up. She cant be at home. I have to pick her up at the university.
She took a taxi.
She cant take a taxi. I have to pick her up.
Look, were going to your house. Shes there. Everything is fine.
And it was.
The final question of the evening when I went to the ER did I think to send her a text msg or a voicemail msg, or even leave a paper and pencil note? Of course not. It never crossed my mind.
Although it was not particularly funny at the time, our two families laugh about it a lot now.
