Dreambirdie, I hear you. But it's still part of you being ripped away by this illness. On principal alone I want to reach out and denounce its ability to do so. It's wrong. Dylan Thomas had it right, I think, when he said "I will not go quietly into this night..." or something to that effect. Koan's points are spot on. Still, I resent anything marginalising me, including this illness. The insurance folk just add fuel to the flames.
I rarely "go quietly," Gregory. :Retro wink: I have a deeply ingrained habit of resistance to everything painful--especially my symptoms. But the very frustrating and predictable thing about that is that the more I resist things, the worse they get, and the worse they get, the more upset I get at them being worse and by the time I'm done reacting to myself, I've managed to multiply my unhappiness exponentially. That's my mind at it's worst.
Sometimes I really do need to rant and scream about how fucked up it is to be sick, and to paint really nasty paintings of my disease, and to howl out my pain in the bathtub non-sensically. I can be a BIG relief...and I am much better at allowing myself that. But now I know that I also can choose not to do that. And there is freedom in knowing that.
Remembering that THE REACTION IS OPTIONAL has helped me a lot.