I think Ive always been the type of person who acknowledges my emotions most of the time, but also can let them not be all of me, if that makes any sense.
I had a conversation with a friend last week. I had said something to the effect that for over 6 months now, along with the deterioration of other physical and mental capabilities and/or shorter periods of functionality, its been getting more difficult for me to communicate in speech and in writing. (as Ive noted here on the forum, to stay involved I tried posting new info as reading, comprehending, posting and then trying to follow and respond are beyond me most of the time).
So the circle of who I communicate with has been shrinking, and the frequency, extent and quality of communication with those I continue to be able to stay somewhat in touch with is deteriorating. And Im feeling a bit isolated, dis-connected, despite being so fortunate that most of them try to get it and continue to stand by me.
The people in my life have always been my main priority and pleasure, and Ive been lucky to have a wonderful core circle of family and close friends + a broad circle of very good next layer out friends. I guess Id call myself a social hermit. Love my loved ones and value my time alone. Now, I find that Im just not functionally capable of engaging much, and when I do, I dont communicate well. And sometimes am not able to perceive that til later, or when I do see it, am unable to think on my feet and problem solve. All things I used to be good at.
My friends comment was sad. And that has stayed with me. Ive realized that I am sad about losing, hopefully temporarily, the ability to maintain closeness with my circle and to communicate well with the outer world.
And I think Ive been hiding that sadness from myself as I carry on, try to manage, try to cope, try to reach out and often not do it well, slowly fumble around trying to find new ways of maintaining quality of life with less juice to do so. As tomk so profoundly states when we try to add something (eg exercise), something else has to be given up. In my words (stolen from Rohinton Mistry) its a fine balance. The same is true for me when a bit of energy disappears. I thought I had everything pared down to the bare bones. But now have to figure out what else I can give up, reconfigure, reduce..... so that I can maybe be able to improve my ability to communicate.
So this post is my (rather public) acknowledgement that Im grieving a loss of an important part of myself. This has always been a private process before this. Not really sure why Im sharing it maybe because I know most of you will get it (unfortunately).
I had a conversation with a friend last week. I had said something to the effect that for over 6 months now, along with the deterioration of other physical and mental capabilities and/or shorter periods of functionality, its been getting more difficult for me to communicate in speech and in writing. (as Ive noted here on the forum, to stay involved I tried posting new info as reading, comprehending, posting and then trying to follow and respond are beyond me most of the time).
So the circle of who I communicate with has been shrinking, and the frequency, extent and quality of communication with those I continue to be able to stay somewhat in touch with is deteriorating. And Im feeling a bit isolated, dis-connected, despite being so fortunate that most of them try to get it and continue to stand by me.
The people in my life have always been my main priority and pleasure, and Ive been lucky to have a wonderful core circle of family and close friends + a broad circle of very good next layer out friends. I guess Id call myself a social hermit. Love my loved ones and value my time alone. Now, I find that Im just not functionally capable of engaging much, and when I do, I dont communicate well. And sometimes am not able to perceive that til later, or when I do see it, am unable to think on my feet and problem solve. All things I used to be good at.
My friends comment was sad. And that has stayed with me. Ive realized that I am sad about losing, hopefully temporarily, the ability to maintain closeness with my circle and to communicate well with the outer world.
And I think Ive been hiding that sadness from myself as I carry on, try to manage, try to cope, try to reach out and often not do it well, slowly fumble around trying to find new ways of maintaining quality of life with less juice to do so. As tomk so profoundly states when we try to add something (eg exercise), something else has to be given up. In my words (stolen from Rohinton Mistry) its a fine balance. The same is true for me when a bit of energy disappears. I thought I had everything pared down to the bare bones. But now have to figure out what else I can give up, reconfigure, reduce..... so that I can maybe be able to improve my ability to communicate.
So this post is my (rather public) acknowledgement that Im grieving a loss of an important part of myself. This has always been a private process before this. Not really sure why Im sharing it maybe because I know most of you will get it (unfortunately).
