Chronic illness, this one in particular, strips away your identity as a human. We all had things we were known for, things that formed our identities to the world around us. I'm not saying these were always the perfect pathways but we added value to the world, nonetheless.
I was always a protector. I cared tremendously for my friends and loved ones and they all knew that if I was around everyone was getting home safely. I was a highly active person, personal trainer and former fighter and this became simply who i was. I'm not saying there weren't other things in life I wanted to accomplish- there were- but I had my roll in society and with my loved ones. I added to situations instead of subtracting from them. I contributed more than i took back and that fulfilled me. I was planning on building more on that so i could always be a valuble part of something greater than me.
My friends are long gone now. For years I've been taking more resources than I give back. Once my physical and mental abilities dwindled I could no longer serve my purpose and my social group faded.
I always thrived- THRIVED on my community and being a valuable, contributing member in my own way. I'm of no value to society or any community now. I understand there can be small movements toward contributing in some ways but anything im able to do is unfulfilling to me. I miss being the guy people could rely on and hanging off of a rock face with one hand. I miss FEELING like i could overcome. Now I feel my days are largely spent bumbling around investing myself in finding a way out of this prison. For a few years there was some fulfillment in the research and the next health experiment but that motivation has faded in time. At some point the reality and perspective of all this has to sink in and i think it's starting to.
Thoughts?
I was always a protector. I cared tremendously for my friends and loved ones and they all knew that if I was around everyone was getting home safely. I was a highly active person, personal trainer and former fighter and this became simply who i was. I'm not saying there weren't other things in life I wanted to accomplish- there were- but I had my roll in society and with my loved ones. I added to situations instead of subtracting from them. I contributed more than i took back and that fulfilled me. I was planning on building more on that so i could always be a valuble part of something greater than me.
My friends are long gone now. For years I've been taking more resources than I give back. Once my physical and mental abilities dwindled I could no longer serve my purpose and my social group faded.
I always thrived- THRIVED on my community and being a valuable, contributing member in my own way. I'm of no value to society or any community now. I understand there can be small movements toward contributing in some ways but anything im able to do is unfulfilling to me. I miss being the guy people could rely on and hanging off of a rock face with one hand. I miss FEELING like i could overcome. Now I feel my days are largely spent bumbling around investing myself in finding a way out of this prison. For a few years there was some fulfillment in the research and the next health experiment but that motivation has faded in time. At some point the reality and perspective of all this has to sink in and i think it's starting to.
Thoughts?