Hello all,
Sorry for posting again and for repeating my fears but I just was sat resting in my room and found myself out of the blue in tears. All weekend things have been on my mind and I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a screw up and I feel ashamed of myself.
I have spoken on here before that my problems began at the end of 2012. I’d lost my grandmother in the July and in the September my brother chase me in his car and chased me into a police station where he assaulted me. His anger issues have been going on for a year, he attacked my husband the year before and he also was abusing his own partner and children. Because I wouldn’t forgive him for his violent actions for a second time my mother and sisters alienated me from the family but also hurled abuse at me via social media and messages for a good couple of years after. This all led to me suffering from agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety and anxiety.
In 2016 I started to suffer from extreme fatigue issues and I was told that it was all in my head and that I had depression by my GP. I didn’t feel depressed in the slightest and my doctor wouldn’t listen to me.
My GP became obsessed i could’ve cancer, diabetes, low sodium, low potassium .... and he would not stop repeating the same tests over and over again month after month. In the end he left and a new GP took over my care. She was so sorry for everything that I’d been through with the previous GP. She diagnosed me with trauma and CFS. She is a fantastic doctor and she told me to take some time off from medical tests because I told her that I was feeling quite traumatised by it all and she agreed. She also said she thought I had PTSD from what I’d been through with my family, which my therapist told me in 2016 too when she learned about my childhood and family issues later in life.
Then in late 2017 I after a much better year with the CFS I started to have panic attacks. I was having a few upsetting things happen in my life at the time, a friendship that I valued broke down and I wasn’t sure why. Losing my best friend without any explanation lead to me in 2018 having some kind of breakdown where I lost all faith in the world. I didn’t leave my house and I became very depressed for the first time in my life and bad panic attacks.
During 2018 my CFS became severe as a result of the panic attacks and I couldn’t shower, I couldn’t wash my hair, I couldn’t do any chores around the house not even cook for my own children (they were all teenagers). My husband became my carer and he took over my role in the home after a full day at work . I’m crying as I type this. It really was the worst year of my life and I never thought I’d ever come through it. I was having panic attacks that were lasting 12 hours at a time for months on end every single day. Last year was a much better year, I overcame the panic attacks and the depression lift a lot. I’m so relieved I got over that bad time mentally but I have ever since suffered anxiety higher than in the past and mild depression but at least I’m miles better than that awful year.
My CFS is now moderate but I still never get out of the house. The last time I went out was last spring when I went to the shops with my husband and another day for a drive in my car. I get into the garden sometimes now. It is all a bad combination of social anxiety, agoraphobia and most of all struggling to function due to CFS. I have to rest after 10 minutes on my feet because I become out of breath, feel flushed because my heart races. I guess they are pots type symptoms. This has just made me lose all my confidence in my own ability to be outside walking around, hence why I don’t go out.
I had severe social anxiety straight after the assault but I’d push myself, I do remember shaking talking to people and my heart would race just ordering a drink in a shop. It was hard but now it’s complete avoidance. I bet the postman thinks I’ve croaked it 😂 I won’t even answer the door.
After what happened in 2012 I did struggle with appointments but I would force myself to go as long as my husband was with me I could get through it. I used to cry during appointments sometimes because I’d be having severe anxiety during the appointment but I still go. I’d go to my smear test and take my husband, I go to blood test and take my husband, dentist etc as long as I had him with me I could do it. But the last two years I haven’t been able to even do things with my husband. I haven’t been to the dentist, opticians, see my GP, or my smear test. My GP obviously is aware of this and she speaks to me on the phone and my husband has been to see her to update on how I am and he does my medication reviews for me with her. She is very supportive and she understands I’ve been through so much and right now I just need time to work on myself after the last 2 years my world toppled down on me. She says I’d stayed strong for the 5 years after the attack for my children sake‘s but then after another upsetting thing happened a couple of years ago she said it was just her final nail in the coffin for me. She said that’s why I started to suffer anxiety much worse than before and the CFS was a result of all that stress.
I can cope with not going to dentist because I look after my teeth, I can cope not going to the opticians but I’m terrified that I haven’t been for my smear test. My last smear test was 4 years ago when I was 36. I recently turned 40. At the moment people I follow on Instagram constantly keep talking about make sure you go for your smear test, one woman saying she put it off 4 years and then when she went she had cancer. It’s sent me into sheer anxiety and tears this weekend and I’m now worried is that highly likely for me when I go and it’ll be longer than 4 years. Does this happen to everyone who puts it off?. Others talking about how most women end up with changing cells at some point in their lives that require treatment and a smear test could save you from early signs. I’m in the UK by the way. I’ve had to come off Instagram because I get really anxious when I see these women posting the stories. It’s made me so scared that it means every single woman in the world ends with abnormalities at some point even pre-cancerous. I’m terrified that something might be wrong with me and I don’t know, if I have ever get back to the doctors myself for an examination I’m scared it will be too late and I will be told I’m dying. Morbid I know but these thoughts are beating me up every day now.
My gp said to stop worrying about it. I was honest and told her I’d not had sex in 8/9 years (yes that’s bad I know but I’ve had a rough 8 years, sex has been the last thing on my mind lol). She said I’m low risk, I’ve had 2 sexual partners my whole life. I’m just worried as I take the contraceptive pill for heavy periods and have for 7 years now, I’m coming off it in a few months as they’ve stopped making my pill ( in the UK loestrin20) you can’t get it in any chemist anymore, and I can’t face changing and starting something different as I’m meds sensitive. My Gp says there is no other pill of that low a strength or with the same ingredients so back to suffering I will go which I will be honest is terrifying me at the thought of that on top of my CfS. Anyway what I meant was I read the pill increases your risk of cervical cancer so that’s worried me even more too.
I’m upset as I type this I didn’t realise how much it was upsetting me. It’s just made me think I’m such a screwup I don’t leave my home and I can’t do appointments. I only have my husband and my children in my life. I don’t have any family other than my Gran and I feel the worst granddaughter in the world because she’s 91 and I haven’t seen her for two years. My hubby and children visit her very often. Sometimes I just imagine I’m looking at myself thinking look at the state of you what kind of a mum and wife are you like this.
I’m sorry to post again I just didn’t realise how much I had bottled up this weekend. I’m just so upset that after the therapy I had that helped me deal with the anxiety that my family caused me in the past and all the trauma of my childhood I’d overcome, I’m struggling now with this. It’s so disheartening the last 2 years as I’m probably now dealing with more anxiety and at time’s depression, than I ever was. I’m just so angry with myself that I can’t force myself to go out to appointments or have someone to my home to do appointments, but my social anxiety and withdrawal from the world because of how much I was going through with the CFS, I just haven’t been able to push myself. It’s as though I just gave up on trust in the world and rubbish things just kept happening in my life. I just had to take time out if that makes sense.
I apologise this is very long and I’m sure many of you gave up reading it and I don’t blame you. I’m just feeling really anxious about the appointments I can’t yet force myself to do and I’m scared of the consequences of not doing them. Typing this is really hard because I’m so scared of people judging me and thinking that I’m a weird person or a bad mother and wife. I’m doing my best, but at the times I don’t recognise the person I’ve become because even after what happened to me with my family I still took my kids on holiday, and pushed myself out to do family things for my children’s memories despite my internal struggles. I hate myself that I can no longer do that for my kids and my husband. I’ve come a long way since I broke in 2018, I’m nowhere near that bad now CfS wise or anxiety wise. I’ve overcome so much with my Gp supporting me and my amazing family. I worked hard on myself with self help books and I did speak to a therapist in 2018 for extra support. Yet because I’ve not gone back to how much better I was in 2017 and how much I’ve changed these last 2 years compared to the other years after the attack, I’m beating myself up for it. My husband keeps telling me
he is seeing major progress in the last year, he says I’m nothing like how poorly I was with CfS, panic attacks and depression in 2018 and I agree with him but I feel that year just broke me.
Thank you if you got this far. I know I’m being annoying repeating myself. I’m just sat crying and beating myself up and I have no mum to turn to, sister or female friend to seek reassurance or a hug. It’s hard.
Ju
Sorry for posting again and for repeating my fears but I just was sat resting in my room and found myself out of the blue in tears. All weekend things have been on my mind and I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a screw up and I feel ashamed of myself.
I have spoken on here before that my problems began at the end of 2012. I’d lost my grandmother in the July and in the September my brother chase me in his car and chased me into a police station where he assaulted me. His anger issues have been going on for a year, he attacked my husband the year before and he also was abusing his own partner and children. Because I wouldn’t forgive him for his violent actions for a second time my mother and sisters alienated me from the family but also hurled abuse at me via social media and messages for a good couple of years after. This all led to me suffering from agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety and anxiety.
In 2016 I started to suffer from extreme fatigue issues and I was told that it was all in my head and that I had depression by my GP. I didn’t feel depressed in the slightest and my doctor wouldn’t listen to me.
My GP became obsessed i could’ve cancer, diabetes, low sodium, low potassium .... and he would not stop repeating the same tests over and over again month after month. In the end he left and a new GP took over my care. She was so sorry for everything that I’d been through with the previous GP. She diagnosed me with trauma and CFS. She is a fantastic doctor and she told me to take some time off from medical tests because I told her that I was feeling quite traumatised by it all and she agreed. She also said she thought I had PTSD from what I’d been through with my family, which my therapist told me in 2016 too when she learned about my childhood and family issues later in life.
Then in late 2017 I after a much better year with the CFS I started to have panic attacks. I was having a few upsetting things happen in my life at the time, a friendship that I valued broke down and I wasn’t sure why. Losing my best friend without any explanation lead to me in 2018 having some kind of breakdown where I lost all faith in the world. I didn’t leave my house and I became very depressed for the first time in my life and bad panic attacks.
During 2018 my CFS became severe as a result of the panic attacks and I couldn’t shower, I couldn’t wash my hair, I couldn’t do any chores around the house not even cook for my own children (they were all teenagers). My husband became my carer and he took over my role in the home after a full day at work . I’m crying as I type this. It really was the worst year of my life and I never thought I’d ever come through it. I was having panic attacks that were lasting 12 hours at a time for months on end every single day. Last year was a much better year, I overcame the panic attacks and the depression lift a lot. I’m so relieved I got over that bad time mentally but I have ever since suffered anxiety higher than in the past and mild depression but at least I’m miles better than that awful year.
My CFS is now moderate but I still never get out of the house. The last time I went out was last spring when I went to the shops with my husband and another day for a drive in my car. I get into the garden sometimes now. It is all a bad combination of social anxiety, agoraphobia and most of all struggling to function due to CFS. I have to rest after 10 minutes on my feet because I become out of breath, feel flushed because my heart races. I guess they are pots type symptoms. This has just made me lose all my confidence in my own ability to be outside walking around, hence why I don’t go out.
I had severe social anxiety straight after the assault but I’d push myself, I do remember shaking talking to people and my heart would race just ordering a drink in a shop. It was hard but now it’s complete avoidance. I bet the postman thinks I’ve croaked it 😂 I won’t even answer the door.
After what happened in 2012 I did struggle with appointments but I would force myself to go as long as my husband was with me I could get through it. I used to cry during appointments sometimes because I’d be having severe anxiety during the appointment but I still go. I’d go to my smear test and take my husband, I go to blood test and take my husband, dentist etc as long as I had him with me I could do it. But the last two years I haven’t been able to even do things with my husband. I haven’t been to the dentist, opticians, see my GP, or my smear test. My GP obviously is aware of this and she speaks to me on the phone and my husband has been to see her to update on how I am and he does my medication reviews for me with her. She is very supportive and she understands I’ve been through so much and right now I just need time to work on myself after the last 2 years my world toppled down on me. She says I’d stayed strong for the 5 years after the attack for my children sake‘s but then after another upsetting thing happened a couple of years ago she said it was just her final nail in the coffin for me. She said that’s why I started to suffer anxiety much worse than before and the CFS was a result of all that stress.
I can cope with not going to dentist because I look after my teeth, I can cope not going to the opticians but I’m terrified that I haven’t been for my smear test. My last smear test was 4 years ago when I was 36. I recently turned 40. At the moment people I follow on Instagram constantly keep talking about make sure you go for your smear test, one woman saying she put it off 4 years and then when she went she had cancer. It’s sent me into sheer anxiety and tears this weekend and I’m now worried is that highly likely for me when I go and it’ll be longer than 4 years. Does this happen to everyone who puts it off?. Others talking about how most women end up with changing cells at some point in their lives that require treatment and a smear test could save you from early signs. I’m in the UK by the way. I’ve had to come off Instagram because I get really anxious when I see these women posting the stories. It’s made me so scared that it means every single woman in the world ends with abnormalities at some point even pre-cancerous. I’m terrified that something might be wrong with me and I don’t know, if I have ever get back to the doctors myself for an examination I’m scared it will be too late and I will be told I’m dying. Morbid I know but these thoughts are beating me up every day now.
My gp said to stop worrying about it. I was honest and told her I’d not had sex in 8/9 years (yes that’s bad I know but I’ve had a rough 8 years, sex has been the last thing on my mind lol). She said I’m low risk, I’ve had 2 sexual partners my whole life. I’m just worried as I take the contraceptive pill for heavy periods and have for 7 years now, I’m coming off it in a few months as they’ve stopped making my pill ( in the UK loestrin20) you can’t get it in any chemist anymore, and I can’t face changing and starting something different as I’m meds sensitive. My Gp says there is no other pill of that low a strength or with the same ingredients so back to suffering I will go which I will be honest is terrifying me at the thought of that on top of my CfS. Anyway what I meant was I read the pill increases your risk of cervical cancer so that’s worried me even more too.
I’m upset as I type this I didn’t realise how much it was upsetting me. It’s just made me think I’m such a screwup I don’t leave my home and I can’t do appointments. I only have my husband and my children in my life. I don’t have any family other than my Gran and I feel the worst granddaughter in the world because she’s 91 and I haven’t seen her for two years. My hubby and children visit her very often. Sometimes I just imagine I’m looking at myself thinking look at the state of you what kind of a mum and wife are you like this.
I’m sorry to post again I just didn’t realise how much I had bottled up this weekend. I’m just so upset that after the therapy I had that helped me deal with the anxiety that my family caused me in the past and all the trauma of my childhood I’d overcome, I’m struggling now with this. It’s so disheartening the last 2 years as I’m probably now dealing with more anxiety and at time’s depression, than I ever was. I’m just so angry with myself that I can’t force myself to go out to appointments or have someone to my home to do appointments, but my social anxiety and withdrawal from the world because of how much I was going through with the CFS, I just haven’t been able to push myself. It’s as though I just gave up on trust in the world and rubbish things just kept happening in my life. I just had to take time out if that makes sense.
I apologise this is very long and I’m sure many of you gave up reading it and I don’t blame you. I’m just feeling really anxious about the appointments I can’t yet force myself to do and I’m scared of the consequences of not doing them. Typing this is really hard because I’m so scared of people judging me and thinking that I’m a weird person or a bad mother and wife. I’m doing my best, but at the times I don’t recognise the person I’ve become because even after what happened to me with my family I still took my kids on holiday, and pushed myself out to do family things for my children’s memories despite my internal struggles. I hate myself that I can no longer do that for my kids and my husband. I’ve come a long way since I broke in 2018, I’m nowhere near that bad now CfS wise or anxiety wise. I’ve overcome so much with my Gp supporting me and my amazing family. I worked hard on myself with self help books and I did speak to a therapist in 2018 for extra support. Yet because I’ve not gone back to how much better I was in 2017 and how much I’ve changed these last 2 years compared to the other years after the attack, I’m beating myself up for it. My husband keeps telling me
he is seeing major progress in the last year, he says I’m nothing like how poorly I was with CfS, panic attacks and depression in 2018 and I agree with him but I feel that year just broke me.
Thank you if you got this far. I know I’m being annoying repeating myself. I’m just sat crying and beating myself up and I have no mum to turn to, sister or female friend to seek reassurance or a hug. It’s hard.
Ju
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