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    Created in 2008, Phoenix Rising is the largest and oldest forum dedicated to furthering the understanding of, and finding treatments for, complex chronic illnesses such as chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS), fibromyalgia, long COVID, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS), and allied diseases.

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Dating...

zoe.a.m.

zoe.a.m.

Senior Member
Messages
368
Location
Olympic Peninsula, Washington
Its extra important to have another in ones life when one cant just get out and socialise with others.
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I can relate to this. When you have very limited energy for socializing, it's significant to have one person with whom there is non-verbal communication and, sometimes, there's really only enough energy to be close to one person. It's not an easy thing for a relationship, and it's very far from what is the popular line of thought "I want my significant other to have a full life that I can just be a part of." I can say that time has been easier during the one relationship I've had since sick, where every day--even if symptoms were miserable--had the magic of distraction. Distraction is a brilliant thing.

I find it very hard to relate to people now.
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Yes, yes, yes.

Many years ago i hurt someone i cared about due to my illness and since then i have pretty much been celebate since then. I just find it less exhausting all round. It's lonlier though.
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It sounds like you could be being too hard on yourself. Depends on how the person was hurt of course. I can relate to this, though it was me who was hurt by the 'healthy' person. That's another place where things seem wildly out of balance: where 'healthy' people have spent about 1 hour in their lifetime considering what is truly important to them and getting any insight into what makes them tick... while ill people often have a massive set of frustrations and limitations, but they know their heart and mind.
 
SickOfSickness

SickOfSickness

Messages
2,566
Location
US
Me too Tom. I like to kiss for about 1 minute then I am tired and needing to breathe LOL! People are okay with it. They just think I don't like kissing very much. The disease has changed my "personality". I am a person who "doesn't like to kiss" even though in my heart I know it's not true. Anyway it makes it strange connecting to someone.

Same with other things, so I am perceived so differently than I perceive myself. I used to be more bothered by other people's observations and what they think I am or am not. Now I am trying to accept it more. Some things are harder than others. Healthy people obviously don't understand but say they were very good at a sport or a certain school subject. And then they were in front of a girl they wanted to impress and for some reason they messed up badly and now the girl thinks they are BAD at that sport or just SO-SO. That guy would be frustrated that his abilities are not known. I look stupid when I have fibrofog of course despite being very smart.

Weeks ago when I posted to this thread I had a hard time imagining dating someone ill or disabled. And because I explained how badly it went the last time with a CFIDS/Fibro guy. Now I am interested in dating someone who is ill. Mostly if they are CFIDS/ME like me. Though they would have to live very close by for it to be reasonable or it would be awesome if they move in and share the rent and expenses. It seems good. Dates would be lying in bed, with a DVD or book or music or talking. Or really short walks unlike how healthy people want to take long faster walks.

I guess lately I am just wanting someone who understands. I don't want a committment though. If I get myself cured I would still care and be their friend but I don't want to be committing myself to someone forever. I don't want to be the caretaker or for them to be either. Just someone where it is balanced and I help them a little, they help me a little, but mostly that we are just spending our "downtime" not alone. I just want a year or few months with someone. More of a friendship than a relationship you might say but hopefully with enough good feelings that I am comfortable cuddling. I think two people teaming up for this would help each other rest and feel less stressed.
 
J

JAXintheCity

Messages
97
Location
Philadelphia, PA
Hi Everybody!

I just wanted to throw in my two cents. I've had this disease for 11 years -- since I was twenty. Dating is hard enough to begin with, without throwing a chronic illness in there! There was definitely a point in my life where I thought I would never find the right person.

Two years ago, all that changed and I met my now husband. One of the things that works for us is he's a total homebody! So, he loved finding a girl who was perfectly happy to sit around on the couch and watch a movie. :)

I think the most important thing is finding someone you can communicate with, someone you trust, someone you can laugh with, and someone who understands that commitment means 'in sickness and in health.' There are NO GUARANTEES on anyone! Also, I wouldn't necessarily lead with my 'sick foot' on the first date. I felt that ME/CFS was personal, and I didn't bring it up till at least the third date.

And definitely, DON'T GIVE UP!!! There are still plenty of 'good ones' out there.

JAX
 
P

pepous

Messages
76
Hello,

found this thread and would like to share myself. Who know who will see this message:

I am 26 year man and have these sympthoms:

1. Leaky gut
2. Almost chronic burnout. Burned out very easily.
3. General weakness (toxins, termoregulation etc.)
4. Anxieties very very often
5. Generally my nervous system is somehow broken (energy swings, mood swings etc.). Symphatetic nervous system is overstimulating.
6. Wired but tired is what I hate the most

Sun and sea and dry climate help me dramatically. I would like to spend at least several month a year on some island like Crete / Rhodos / Cyprus or Gran Canaria.

I am able to travel. I am freelancer so no need to be in Prague (Czech republic).

Photo: https://photos.google.com/share/AF1...?key=NmwwN3FsWm9pbWlrdXVZTUwwb0dtenlQeUxoY0tn

Looking for:

1. Understanding
2. Similar values and similar view on world and similar interests in part time living on island :) Rest of the year my plan is to live on our family cottage :). But who knows.

This year I was 1 month on Rhodos and 6 weeks on Crete. The rest of summer I spent on cottage or in Prague. But not sure how will I deal with upcoming winter :(.

I hope and think I am able to give understanding and tolerance. And I think when I feel right that I am not boring.

Thank you
 
J

jlynx

Senior Member
Messages
116
I am 24 and don't plan to date for the foreseeable future. My 4 year relationship ended in April of this year because of his own reasons that had nothing to do with me. My heart was broken because it was unexpected and very upsetting, but I don't need to go into it. It was nice because he was a low energy person too and was often tired a lot for whatever reason, so we spent a lot of time lying on the couch watching movies. We saw each other once a week since it was somewhat long distance, so it was do-able for me. We are still good friends and talk every day so fortunately I still have some support there. I hope one day we can possibly try a relationship again as he's a good person and I'll always love him.

I definitely feel better emotionally when I'm in a relationship, less depressed. Just feeling cared for and loved does a lot for the soul and happiness. I've thought of seeing a therapist because I know it's wrong to depend on someone for your emotional well-being. And I have a lot of insecurities from this disease that I need to work on, but it's hard, as I'm sure you all know.

I'm a little jealous of you all that have managed to find great supportive significant others. I am okay being alone now but if I get to a point where I'm feeling a little better and feel ready to date again, the process seems so terrifying. Especially with my generation where the hook-up culture and cheating is so prevalent. I am 'old fashioned' and need loyalty and commitment.

But the cons far outweigh the pros for me. I don't want to go through the pain of another heartbreak or waste my time and what little energy I have. I can't be in a 'normal' relationship now and go out multiple days a week (once is ideal). Could I push myself and do that? Sure, but I'd crash hard and my health would be much worse. I can hardly hold a conversation and struggle with word finding most of the time-I feel stupid. Socializing exhausts me. I don't know of many people that would be okay with doing most of the talking and doing mainly sedentary activities most of the time.

Something I'm struggling with lately though is the feeling of wasting my life from this disease, especially my youth, and I sometimes wonder if being in a relationships negates that feeling a little bit. My days are definitely more monotonous now and blend together. But it is easier in that now I'm able to rest seven days a week instead of six. Even the little things, like I used to spend a lot of time doing my makeup because I always wanted to look good for him.

But sometimes I just wish there was someone to take care of me and gently push me to do more, within my limits. Just hug me every once in a while and tell me everything will be okay. This has taken so much from me and I feel like I've lost who I am. I have hope that there will be better days in the future though.
 
Seven7

Seven7

Seven
Messages
3,444
Location
USA
Christopher said:
Thoughts?
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I am not single but thought to give you a few ideas.
To peruse a lady is about the quality not the quantity. So you can text like "how was your day" and demonstrate interest on what she likes. Do not underestimate the power of words, texting is your ally. There is a reason why those catfishes online are so successful, there is something about writing that makes people more open and vulnerable.
Remember the generations that were courted and families made on the times of letters.
Then only go out on the days you do not work.
Do things that are low on energy: I use earplugs on movies and helps a lot so I don't tire as much.
Order a terrible chick flick that she will be so excited about that you sitting there is not even noticed.
Good luck.
 
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