I am so angry.
I am so angry.
I am so angry.
And I need a space to let this out right now.
I am so f ing tired of my situation.
I’ve literally been through beyond hell past 3 months. No, not much has changed. I’m still mostly in depends now since covid. Total survival mode. I my good moments I can use commode.
Friends and family are very triggered at my level of severity. I notice that means many of them pull away when I need help the most.
If I didn’t have enough, I now have a raging dental infection with a long decaying broken molar. Plus other stuff. I have tried for nearly a year to find a mobile dentist. Thank you to each of you that sent me things and contacts. I did my best to contact each one. To no avail. The past 7 days have been nearly impossible pain wise to sleep eat etc. I am on day 8? Of waiting to hear a response from my PCP on what I should do. I called home health care and they don’t touch anything like this. Told me to go to er. Super easy for someone like me. There are other things tries but not much energy right now to explain all.
My husband had family in for the weekend so I tried so hard through sweat and grit and tears to not call an ambulance during that 3 days because it really disrupts his life and rhythm. Which, although I understand, when they left I asked to have a conversation of ideas or solutions he has for my predicament. I told him all the steps I’ve tried with a raging infection. He seemed to somewhat understand. Then shut down. Turned volatile. Then my friend that usually goes with me to er trips past few years, I reached out to her and she was lukewarm. She told me to put ice on it even though I had a 100 degree fever. That seemed…. Like putting others needs in front of my somewhat urgent needs. Just tell me you can’t handle my level, please don’t reach out anymore. It’s too much for me bc my hopes were she would go with me yesterday and tell the er about the 5 seizures I’ve had no one wants to take the time to take me in for. And yes my pcp knows. She told me to wait and see neurology in October. But my friend did not. She ignored my message most of day that she specifically said I could reach out to her for and it was incredibly disappointing bc I thought she really might try to to advocate for me to get me hospitalized so I can receive some of the assistance I need like infection control, consult on how to immediately remove this tooth despite having severe mast cell activation disease and an mri. At minimum. I don’t feel this is asking too much.
I feel so invisible.
The anger boiling in my blood is at levels incomprehensible.
I can hardly sleep nor eat nor drink water easily with this level pain and suffering. I do not know how this plays out from here. But it certainly doesn’t look or feel good. I had zero cavities my entire life until Lyme crumbled my teeth past 6 years. It’s so heartbreaking there are not words. And apparently few solutions for someone like me.
I am possibly trying to convince myself to call for an ambulance today and go in by myself… but …. I am so weak and not sure I can even accomplish a trip like this.
I feel like I’m in a nightmare.
The ptsd is now so bad at having helpers and none of them helping in an hour of great need. I’m so angry at them. Why don’t they attempt to help me get to better ground. Why do they stare at each other waiting for someone else to pick up the slack? I’m so over it. Please stop messaging me asking me how I am if you want no part in helping me receive the assistance I need. At least that’s how I feel with in person family and friends right now.
This is a vent blog.
No need to respond.
Hoping most don’t even read.
But I cannot contain this world in me right now. The pain is too immense. I have so many new issues post covid and I’m so f ing disgusted how weak people around me turn out to be when I need them most. Time and again. I’m not even asking for much. Just 45 minutes of their time to fight for me to get me the assistance I need instead of letting me rot and so on.
The past months have made me not very excited about humanity as a whole right now.
I hope my heart beats again.
For now the numbness and anger are ever present.
I am so angry.
I am so angry.
And I need a space to let this out right now.
I am so f ing tired of my situation.
I’ve literally been through beyond hell past 3 months. No, not much has changed. I’m still mostly in depends now since covid. Total survival mode. I my good moments I can use commode.
Friends and family are very triggered at my level of severity. I notice that means many of them pull away when I need help the most.
If I didn’t have enough, I now have a raging dental infection with a long decaying broken molar. Plus other stuff. I have tried for nearly a year to find a mobile dentist. Thank you to each of you that sent me things and contacts. I did my best to contact each one. To no avail. The past 7 days have been nearly impossible pain wise to sleep eat etc. I am on day 8? Of waiting to hear a response from my PCP on what I should do. I called home health care and they don’t touch anything like this. Told me to go to er. Super easy for someone like me. There are other things tries but not much energy right now to explain all.
My husband had family in for the weekend so I tried so hard through sweat and grit and tears to not call an ambulance during that 3 days because it really disrupts his life and rhythm. Which, although I understand, when they left I asked to have a conversation of ideas or solutions he has for my predicament. I told him all the steps I’ve tried with a raging infection. He seemed to somewhat understand. Then shut down. Turned volatile. Then my friend that usually goes with me to er trips past few years, I reached out to her and she was lukewarm. She told me to put ice on it even though I had a 100 degree fever. That seemed…. Like putting others needs in front of my somewhat urgent needs. Just tell me you can’t handle my level, please don’t reach out anymore. It’s too much for me bc my hopes were she would go with me yesterday and tell the er about the 5 seizures I’ve had no one wants to take the time to take me in for. And yes my pcp knows. She told me to wait and see neurology in October. But my friend did not. She ignored my message most of day that she specifically said I could reach out to her for and it was incredibly disappointing bc I thought she really might try to to advocate for me to get me hospitalized so I can receive some of the assistance I need like infection control, consult on how to immediately remove this tooth despite having severe mast cell activation disease and an mri. At minimum. I don’t feel this is asking too much.
I feel so invisible.
The anger boiling in my blood is at levels incomprehensible.
I can hardly sleep nor eat nor drink water easily with this level pain and suffering. I do not know how this plays out from here. But it certainly doesn’t look or feel good. I had zero cavities my entire life until Lyme crumbled my teeth past 6 years. It’s so heartbreaking there are not words. And apparently few solutions for someone like me.
I am possibly trying to convince myself to call for an ambulance today and go in by myself… but …. I am so weak and not sure I can even accomplish a trip like this.
I feel like I’m in a nightmare.
The ptsd is now so bad at having helpers and none of them helping in an hour of great need. I’m so angry at them. Why don’t they attempt to help me get to better ground. Why do they stare at each other waiting for someone else to pick up the slack? I’m so over it. Please stop messaging me asking me how I am if you want no part in helping me receive the assistance I need. At least that’s how I feel with in person family and friends right now.
This is a vent blog.
No need to respond.
Hoping most don’t even read.
But I cannot contain this world in me right now. The pain is too immense. I have so many new issues post covid and I’m so f ing disgusted how weak people around me turn out to be when I need them most. Time and again. I’m not even asking for much. Just 45 minutes of their time to fight for me to get me the assistance I need instead of letting me rot and so on.
The past months have made me not very excited about humanity as a whole right now.
I hope my heart beats again.
For now the numbness and anger are ever present.
