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Some of us have been through so much that it can be quite difficult to process the whole of it.

It comes in pieces for me.
Especially during my newest and latest eruptions aka crises.

And, I decided I forgive them.
I’ve known this.
But I get lost in the emotions when retriggered by abandonment, neglect and anger. And shame.

They never knew.
They never were taught how to handle a human like me and an illness like this. There is no manual. This illness makes and breaks molds. And if you have many worker bees around you, they absolutely do not know what to do when you break the chain. They become desperate and frantic. And other things. This is also mirrored to them by our education establishment. We are light years away from treating people as they should be treated. No matter how many fancy degrees in their medical walls or new age trinkets in their waiting rooms. It’s mostly a facade. Because, they were trained that we don’t exist. And if we do exist, they were mostly trained to treat this psychologically. We are a threat that breaks the known mold if we are not psychological cases. So, this is serious. It could overturn so much that people are familiar with.

We are living in a broken system.
Of course we are surrounded. With broken people (many of. Us). Our cases make them have to reevaluate so much they thought they were certain of. This isn’t easy. It’s at great cost to the patient and their family and friends. I’m seeing it play out yet again with very caring well meaning friends. It’s too much. They break in front of the medical establishment left and right bc it was designed to corral humans. It wasn’t designed to heal humans or nurture humans. It’s a trauma based system and we are still dependent on it. Bc it’s our only choice mostly.

But it’s not much different than when a woman is in an abusive relationship. And people see it. And she hides away in it because she believes so much that she can shift this… or that she can’t. That the. Effort is futile. And there are good things, so just like our relationship with the medical system, we keep Going back. We get brave. Independent. Walk away but things fall and we so often come back to this broken archaic system.

I do not propose answers or solutions tonight.
But, I know that humans learn from One another. And mob reality is huge and prevalent. And if it’s supporting a broken system, each of these bees really, really thinks they are upholding their part, and reinforcing to you, that you are not fitting the mold and it’s up toYOU to fix it. (Often in your brain). Because if you don’t, then you threaten the system. The hive. And the system doesn’t like to be observed. Or even noted there is a system. It’s built to oust black sheep. No one wants a collapsed hive.

So, ultimately, I forgive these people. Because ‘forgive them, they know not what they do.” Because each of them have love in the base of their hearts. Because as my husband once told me, when he was younger he was hiding his mother’s beautiful Christmas ornament and …. It shattered. In his hands. He put it in a box foryears and looked at it. Possibly to torture himself for a simple mistake. He felt it was a reflection of inner struggles he has within. He felt I was yet another pretty Ornament That was broken. That he played a part in. And I think this speaks volumes about human consciousness and how innately so many strive to do good and life happens and breaks some of us with poor coping skills etc. the hive isn’t good at teaching these people how to love and care for themselves let alone others.

Me being bedridden for nearly 7 years has made him have to adapt in ways that he cannot bend. And same With my family. Their love is immense but Their fear is stronger. And my situation scares the f**** out of them. Triggers them on so many levels. If they faced the lessons I bring, they would instantly be shifted ina flash because how could you not when faced with that amount of triggers. And most will not. It’s too much for most to integrate in this lifetime. Hence, why it’s much easier to push back against us and fight us even as we wave the peace flag. The olive branch. Their heart feels the hope and the opportunity but their brains cannot grasp the path. The journey.

We are canaries in coal mines. And that’s a very lonely journey To traverse. Filled with trenches. I see you fellow canaries, your broken wings and soot covered feathers. I see you. You are brave warriors. Meant to bring in a new era in a dim world. And I forgive them, for. They know not what they do. And I forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made navigating this treacherous land.

Let love be enough,
For tonight.



“She made me love, she made me love mooorrrrre.”

Beneath the black pain, love is the ground all of existence lays upon. And it is the only way to alchemized this blackened world soddered with millennia of pain and sorrow.

And if we can’t yet move to love, we can move to. The spaces before it. And know that we are held in stasis there. Creating new bridges and collapsing old worlds.
Wow that's some powerful insight right there. (your post).
It’s healing on so many levels.
I’m human. It still affects me.
But, just remembering this pathway I choose as I navigate all of these new things.

Like…. Oral surgeon today by ambulance! Woohoo. Not exciting at all. Surgery is needed. Will be maybe making a post on this for more input. Also getting in with a large hospital that accepted my case recently 🙏

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