My partner is starting to run out of steam. It's been seven months now since they became fully bedbound- unable to sit up, stand or walk, unable to use their phone, listen to music or audio books, unable to have their curtains open, unable to talk for more than 5 minutes, unable to tolerate anyone but me coming in the room, unable to chew solid food, unable to have their teeth brushed or body cleaned, unable to hold a cup or straw themselves, unable to use a bedpan without help. They have just been lying in darkness and silence with nothing but their own thoughts.
Hope that rest would improve them eventually has gone, hope that any medications or supplements or vitamins would help has gone, that any doctor would help or care is gone. Every medicine has either done nothing or made them much worse. Every doctor has either been unknowledgeable, or uncontactable.
They have run through every memory, every game or distraction in their head, used up every motivating thought, every piece of self determination and strength. I've used up all I had to keep them going too, every positive motivation I could think of, or hope for them to hang onto, to keep them trying.
They asked me to reach out to one of their friends, the only one that still checks in and seems to want to help, to ask what I can say to my partner, to help. The friend sent back some medicine ideas, and I explained that that's not really what I was asking for. So I described it like this:
Imagine there's a bulldozer chasing you, non-stop, and you just have to keep running to not get crushed, and sometimes it catches your heels and your running is messed up, you have to limp for a few days but you keep having to run anyway. And although everyone keeps trying different ways to stop the bulldozer, the only thing keeping you running is the hope that something will stop the bulldozer. And nothing's worked to stop it yet, and some attempts have just hurt you instead, like throwing a brick in front of the tracks that just ricochets off your legs. That belief that something's going to stop it is going to diminish more and more, killing any motivation you have to keep running. You've been trying everything you can to keep running, thinking of the life you'll have when it's over, distracting yourself thinking of other things, or just chanting in your head "stay calm, keep running".
There are plenty more ideas on how to stop the bulldozer, sure, experts we can reach out to, give their methods a go, ideas from other people who have stopped or outrun their bulldozers. But every time your hopes get up, it just fails again and again.
My partner is willing to keep trying things to stop the bulldozer, but they need something to help them keep running for long enough to get them. They're exhausted, and in constant pain. People cheering them on from the sidelines saying "keep going, you can do it!" isn't going to stop their legs from buckling under them, no matter how much they wish that could keep them running.
The friend hasn't responded yet, but I really can't think what they could say.
Hope that rest would improve them eventually has gone, hope that any medications or supplements or vitamins would help has gone, that any doctor would help or care is gone. Every medicine has either done nothing or made them much worse. Every doctor has either been unknowledgeable, or uncontactable.
They have run through every memory, every game or distraction in their head, used up every motivating thought, every piece of self determination and strength. I've used up all I had to keep them going too, every positive motivation I could think of, or hope for them to hang onto, to keep them trying.
They asked me to reach out to one of their friends, the only one that still checks in and seems to want to help, to ask what I can say to my partner, to help. The friend sent back some medicine ideas, and I explained that that's not really what I was asking for. So I described it like this:
Imagine there's a bulldozer chasing you, non-stop, and you just have to keep running to not get crushed, and sometimes it catches your heels and your running is messed up, you have to limp for a few days but you keep having to run anyway. And although everyone keeps trying different ways to stop the bulldozer, the only thing keeping you running is the hope that something will stop the bulldozer. And nothing's worked to stop it yet, and some attempts have just hurt you instead, like throwing a brick in front of the tracks that just ricochets off your legs. That belief that something's going to stop it is going to diminish more and more, killing any motivation you have to keep running. You've been trying everything you can to keep running, thinking of the life you'll have when it's over, distracting yourself thinking of other things, or just chanting in your head "stay calm, keep running".
There are plenty more ideas on how to stop the bulldozer, sure, experts we can reach out to, give their methods a go, ideas from other people who have stopped or outrun their bulldozers. But every time your hopes get up, it just fails again and again.
My partner is willing to keep trying things to stop the bulldozer, but they need something to help them keep running for long enough to get them. They're exhausted, and in constant pain. People cheering them on from the sidelines saying "keep going, you can do it!" isn't going to stop their legs from buckling under them, no matter how much they wish that could keep them running.
The friend hasn't responded yet, but I really can't think what they could say.
