Have you ever had someone in your life, where no matter what you did or said, its a no win situation? Have you ever had a lot of people like that in your life? Have they been the people called, family?
In 2 days, it will be the anniversary of my fathers death. 22 years since he passed. He was the glue. Without the glue, we have come undone. But, then again, my father to some...was the reason the family came undone way before my arrival. He was the glue because everyone was just too scared to defy him. Having said that, I loved him dearly because I came along when he was really ready to be an adult.
Its hard enough living with a chronic illness, but when you have family members to boot that make life miserable, sometimes you wonder if you could put them on a boat and put them out to sea, if the CFS would be more tolerable to deal with. But then I am convinced that some other form of crazy would come into my life, cause the more I look around, crazy is just about everywhere.
My sister died 5 years ago due to cancer. Her 2 daughters were 19 and 24. Both of them have made some bad decisions since her death. I have felt sorry for them and have tried to be understanding, because there is a reason they have headed in the direction they have. In the meantime, I have family like my mom and brother that think they are lost losers. To me, that is just sad.
My one niece lives on the bottom floor of my apartment building. She is 29. I recommended that she and her boyfriend and daughter move in there. What a mistake. I never hear from them and if I do, its a text. What is it with texting? I get it to say youre late, or you love someone after a great date, but to have a conversation via a text message? Especially when she lives on the first floor?
After a week of her doing some things like taking something out of my storage to borrow it without asking (a table I use for work), I have snapped. A year and a half of wanting to snap but keeping my mouth shut because I have been too ill or have wanted to keep the peace. How many people have done that with this illness? Keep your mouth shut to keep the peace because you cant deal with the stress so you swallow crappy, ill mannered behavior? YEAH.
Well, the now overly nice what do you need or how can I help you, Aunt Spitfire has launched. And how has the response from that gone? I received an email which basically turns it all back onto me, with the question, I really dont know what you are mad about? After a phone message that I left, an email that I wrote, I am confused on how she couldnt.
And, then there is my mother. My mother who I love, but who is crazy. My 80 year old mother, who helps me financially due to being ill and if I dont say what she wants to hear, she hangs up on me or tells me to get out of her car because I didnt agree with her on something. My mother, who feels that my nieces never come to see her and she is right; they dont. Because they dont want to come and see her, she has decided to leave them out of her will. And what does she ask me the other day? Do you think I should have them in the will? My response, YES. Her response, Ok , I am hanging up nowclick.
A vicious cycle where the talk of money enters the conversation at her insistence and her manipulative tactic to get back at them, which they realize and decide to not go visit her.
WHAT TO DO?
I sit here with an illness and think they are all crazy. My nieces are immature brats who have made poor decisions and push everyone away because of their unhappiness and my mother who is an old lady who cant remember what day it is and hangs up on me. A brother who is basically dead to me because I am sick , I am not good enough for him. I dont own a million dollar home like he does, therefore, I am a loser.
And then there is me. A woman who is unhealthy, trying to take care of herself and cares too much about everyone else and wants to do the right thing, hold a business down, and eventually have my own family. A woman who is unraveling at times, due to said illness and the no support factor. When I do receive support, its a far cry from support, but more like a pat on the back, I know you can do it.alone.
My version of a family by the way is a husband, a cute home with a porch and a dog.
The past couple of days, I sit here in a broken stupor wondering how it all turned out this way and just what is my place in it? I fantasize of picking up and moving to some far away destination where no one can reach me, no one meaning the crazies, in other words, the family.
I tried to pack today to get in my car and drive to somewhere. Anywhere. Anywhere but here. I want to sit on the beach and just stare at the ocean and not think about how it has come to this. All of it. To not think about my illness, my responsibilities, or the fact that I really dont have the money to go anywhere.but here.
And I think of my Dad. 22 years ago, losing him on August 10th.
"Dad, it hasnt been the same without you. Where are you? Do you think of me and can you let me know that I am ok? That I am a good daughter and that you love me. Because seriously Dad, I really need to hear that right now because sometimes I dont feel loved or lovable. And you were a perfectionist and I really think that I wouldn't please you either, especially because you had no tolerance for illness until you had your own illness; cancer. Do you know that I am sick? I got sick after you died, so maybe you dont know.
Whatever. I miss you. I was once your little girl. The apple of your eye. I need to be the apple of someones eye Dad. Let me be the apple of your eye Dad, even if I am sick and don't always say the right thing "for you." Show me that I don't have to be perfect Dad."