Nothing to See Here
Well yeah, there may be something wrong with me (after having decidedly failed the EMG / Nerve Conduction Study two weeks ago…), but that "something" remains a mystery. I am now being sent to a neuromuscular specialist to have a muscle biopsy performed.
And here's the funny thing. I'm not sure if any of you recall, but my original intention in having "temporarily" relocated to a nursing home was to have a MUSCLE BIOPSY. Easy access and relatively easy transport were my motivating factors in taking this monumental risk. Being placed in a facility of this kind seemed to be the most viable way to receive a diagnosis, and perhaps… treatment. A resolution. Something… after six years worth of bed bound isolation where nothing was ever happening -
Of course, what happened (somewhat unexpectedly) is that my former wife dumped me soon after I initiated this master plan of mine. What in essence, became My Final Exiting. I provided this former person with The Opportunity to get rid of me (forever more). And clearly, this opportunity was far too tempting to resist. Having "temporarily" left, I in effect, permanently lost my squatters rights immediately subsequent to my departure.
So here my jettisoned bodily remains linger… having been ejected.. Rejected… Umm, whatever. Right?
I am at long last, where I wanted to be… on the verge of having a muscle biopsy performed. And also, having humans love me. Or in the least, having humans within my midst act and behave in a manner that leads me to believe I am well liked. Yes, I am now accepted, instead of being barely tolerated. I am a welcome burden, rather than an unemotional drain upon valuable resources. Perhaps most importantly, I am no longer openly resented.
Exhale, right?
Immediately prior to writing this missive, I awoke suddenly from a frightening dream. No, not frightening… ummmm..
The details aren't important. But, my former step-daughter hugged me. Twice! My first real hug in years. And this "hugging" dream freaked me out in a major way.. as I was once again reminded that no one would touch me or hug me or… anything, for an extended period of time. And the only named reason why I was shunned? Illness. Having been told repeatedly, "It's not you, it's the illness."
And due to illness, I was no longer valued or worth being loved. I no longer offered enough. I didn't deserve hugging or human touch, because I was stricken with an unknown.
Anyway, I am VERY involved with other humans these days. I open up everything and all of me as often as I can. Am I leaving myself vulnerable? Hell YES. But beyond murdering me, what more can any one individual possibly do to me? I'm already staged at the bottom rung of an impossibly steep ladder. I'm either at a starting or the finishing point.. determined simply by the thoughts rifling through my head. I do not, as of yet, feel finished.
Another sudden dream hatched as I awaken at 342am - subject matter? Involves The Former Person.. wearing a false face in my presence.. wanting someone else. Experiencing that other person.
Meanwhile, and immediately prior, she and I witnessed lightning brewing within thunderstorms of undetermined severity from a safe distance, as we walked side by side.. freely conversing (me, mostly explaining)... before eventually seeing that which I did not wish to see.
In this reality it seems somehow that I am "Never Enough" … which is also the title of a song by The Cure. So for me, a theme song in some standing.
It makes no matter, as apparently dreams no longer hesitate. Yet, my diagnosis continually eludes me.
With no disability pay or benefits forthcoming, I must remain penniless, constantly begging for anything and everything I need. But what of wanting? Yes, there are a few token items I am wanting… which means, I am NOT there yet. I MUST first lose this desire to have and to hold. My object desire must be renounced.
And also, my neurologist was angling hard for Myasthenia Gravis as being my ever elusive diagnosis. But my blood work doesn't match. Nothing ever does. I am an outlier amongst outliers. I am an exception beyond exceptions. I am nothing bounded by nothingness.
H
My Ambulance Ride -
Well yeah, there may be something wrong with me (after having decidedly failed the EMG / Nerve Conduction Study two weeks ago…), but that "something" remains a mystery. I am now being sent to a neuromuscular specialist to have a muscle biopsy performed.
And here's the funny thing. I'm not sure if any of you recall, but my original intention in having "temporarily" relocated to a nursing home was to have a MUSCLE BIOPSY. Easy access and relatively easy transport were my motivating factors in taking this monumental risk. Being placed in a facility of this kind seemed to be the most viable way to receive a diagnosis, and perhaps… treatment. A resolution. Something… after six years worth of bed bound isolation where nothing was ever happening -
Of course, what happened (somewhat unexpectedly) is that my former wife dumped me soon after I initiated this master plan of mine. What in essence, became My Final Exiting. I provided this former person with The Opportunity to get rid of me (forever more). And clearly, this opportunity was far too tempting to resist. Having "temporarily" left, I in effect, permanently lost my squatters rights immediately subsequent to my departure.
So here my jettisoned bodily remains linger… having been ejected.. Rejected… Umm, whatever. Right?
I am at long last, where I wanted to be… on the verge of having a muscle biopsy performed. And also, having humans love me. Or in the least, having humans within my midst act and behave in a manner that leads me to believe I am well liked. Yes, I am now accepted, instead of being barely tolerated. I am a welcome burden, rather than an unemotional drain upon valuable resources. Perhaps most importantly, I am no longer openly resented.
Exhale, right?
Immediately prior to writing this missive, I awoke suddenly from a frightening dream. No, not frightening… ummmm..
The details aren't important. But, my former step-daughter hugged me. Twice! My first real hug in years. And this "hugging" dream freaked me out in a major way.. as I was once again reminded that no one would touch me or hug me or… anything, for an extended period of time. And the only named reason why I was shunned? Illness. Having been told repeatedly, "It's not you, it's the illness."
And due to illness, I was no longer valued or worth being loved. I no longer offered enough. I didn't deserve hugging or human touch, because I was stricken with an unknown.
Anyway, I am VERY involved with other humans these days. I open up everything and all of me as often as I can. Am I leaving myself vulnerable? Hell YES. But beyond murdering me, what more can any one individual possibly do to me? I'm already staged at the bottom rung of an impossibly steep ladder. I'm either at a starting or the finishing point.. determined simply by the thoughts rifling through my head. I do not, as of yet, feel finished.
Another sudden dream hatched as I awaken at 342am - subject matter? Involves The Former Person.. wearing a false face in my presence.. wanting someone else. Experiencing that other person.
Meanwhile, and immediately prior, she and I witnessed lightning brewing within thunderstorms of undetermined severity from a safe distance, as we walked side by side.. freely conversing (me, mostly explaining)... before eventually seeing that which I did not wish to see.
In this reality it seems somehow that I am "Never Enough" … which is also the title of a song by The Cure. So for me, a theme song in some standing.
It makes no matter, as apparently dreams no longer hesitate. Yet, my diagnosis continually eludes me.
With no disability pay or benefits forthcoming, I must remain penniless, constantly begging for anything and everything I need. But what of wanting? Yes, there are a few token items I am wanting… which means, I am NOT there yet. I MUST first lose this desire to have and to hold. My object desire must be renounced.
And also, my neurologist was angling hard for Myasthenia Gravis as being my ever elusive diagnosis. But my blood work doesn't match. Nothing ever does. I am an outlier amongst outliers. I am an exception beyond exceptions. I am nothing bounded by nothingness.
H
My Ambulance Ride -
