meadowlark
Senior Member
- Messages
- 241
- Location
- Toronto, Canada
What a great letter.
I do agree that "spirit" is the better choice. People enter the spirit of collaboration. On the other hand, a single person is "in the vein" (there's that famous line from Richard III, "I am not in the vein") because he is in an intractable mood. A person can also write something like "The president continued in this vein ... " but it implies someone with a single point, or (worse) someone with tunnel vision.
Three tiny suggestions:
(1) Perhaps "more productive dialogue" or "more effective dialogue" is clearer than "more earnest dialogue." But that is a personal choice for you.
(2) "By encouraging doctors to run these tests where indicated, they come to understand the depth of the patient illness, thereby providing better quality care for that patient. In addition to this doctor/patient benefit there is the added benefit of grouping and sub-grouping patients more efficiently for later research purposes."
The passive voice ("there is a cat crossing the street" rather than "a cat is crossing the street") usually diffuses the point a bit. I also think you've got a dangling participle (or something awfully close to one) in "By encouraging doctors to run these tests where indicated, they...." So this is what I would suggest:
"Encouraging doctors to run these tests where indicated will help them understand the depth of the patient's illness and thereby create better quality care. And, in the process, patients will be more efficiently placed into groups and subgroups -- a significant benefit for research projects."
(3) At the end, you have: "with a few simple changes to your website in a timely manner." Perhaps that could become "with a few simple, timely changes to your website."
Wonderful stuff!
Re the periods after ME/CFS .... I think there are different schools of thought on this. The way I learned it, in all matters outside the post office (which has, for instance, reduced American states to two-letter acronyms), a two-letter short form (D.P. for Director of Photography, U.K. for United Kingdom) requires periods, but three or more letters (USA, USSR, or AMPAS for Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) does not. Using that rule, M.E should have periods and CFS should not. I would argue, then, that when you have both acronyms joined by a slash mark, you have, in effect, a five letter acronym. No periods required.
I do agree that "spirit" is the better choice. People enter the spirit of collaboration. On the other hand, a single person is "in the vein" (there's that famous line from Richard III, "I am not in the vein") because he is in an intractable mood. A person can also write something like "The president continued in this vein ... " but it implies someone with a single point, or (worse) someone with tunnel vision.
Three tiny suggestions:
(1) Perhaps "more productive dialogue" or "more effective dialogue" is clearer than "more earnest dialogue." But that is a personal choice for you.
(2) "By encouraging doctors to run these tests where indicated, they come to understand the depth of the patient illness, thereby providing better quality care for that patient. In addition to this doctor/patient benefit there is the added benefit of grouping and sub-grouping patients more efficiently for later research purposes."
The passive voice ("there is a cat crossing the street" rather than "a cat is crossing the street") usually diffuses the point a bit. I also think you've got a dangling participle (or something awfully close to one) in "By encouraging doctors to run these tests where indicated, they...." So this is what I would suggest:
"Encouraging doctors to run these tests where indicated will help them understand the depth of the patient's illness and thereby create better quality care. And, in the process, patients will be more efficiently placed into groups and subgroups -- a significant benefit for research projects."
(3) At the end, you have: "with a few simple changes to your website in a timely manner." Perhaps that could become "with a few simple, timely changes to your website."
Wonderful stuff!
Re the periods after ME/CFS .... I think there are different schools of thought on this. The way I learned it, in all matters outside the post office (which has, for instance, reduced American states to two-letter acronyms), a two-letter short form (D.P. for Director of Photography, U.K. for United Kingdom) requires periods, but three or more letters (USA, USSR, or AMPAS for Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) does not. Using that rule, M.E should have periods and CFS should not. I would argue, then, that when you have both acronyms joined by a slash mark, you have, in effect, a five letter acronym. No periods required.