Having just surfaced from a major crash myself, I read with interest Jody's latest blog abour HER latest crash...it really got me thinking about my own triggers.
Four years ago I "crashed" at the very start of what was to be a small remodel on our 1950's house. It desperately needed to be done and we'd waited and saved for it.
It never happened and the new kitchen (all the appliances I'd picked from a home depot website as I couldn't stand the lights/sounds of the actual store!) I'd waited my entire married life for is still sitting tightly wrapped and boxed up in my garage. I still haven't gone and looked at them.
I've been in bed or as close to one as possible for those years. Except for dr's visits I haven't gone out for any reason - no grocery stores, movie theatres, malls, parks, art museums, other peoples homes - nada.
I started to come out of the crash about 6 months ago but got hit with a bad case of shingles (my first ever) and was told to increase my antivirals to a maximum dose...which initially made the flare-up unbearably worse.
That finally settled down and I began to read and even post a bit here. I felt sort of human again, felt like I had friends and something to look forward to. Then I went to my Neurologist for my regular appointment (he's been "tracking" me for years for a few tiny spots on my brain and a few wonky test results - no biggy).
He began to hammer me with question after question and I, of course, began to fade, started answering incorrectly...and in a most cold and insensitive way said I had MCI (Mild cognitive Impairment) which HE considered to be Pre-Dementia (and pre-Alzheimers), and wanted to start me on Aricept...to slow "the deterioration" down!
I could not convince him that cognitive/memory problems were par for the course with me/cfs - he just wasn't having any of it. I was so devastated I couldn't even meet his gaze and left.
I remember driving home (while I kept an eye out for any large brick wall I could ram my car into!) and telling me husband I'd had enough of this whole damned thing - that's it! I said...get me a gun!
My husband gently reminded me that the only thing resembling a "gun" that we had in the house was an ancient, rusty BB gun that we'd confiscated from one of the kids years ago - and that I'd need to shoot myself about a gazillion times to inflict any damage.
Naturally that diffused the situation, but I knew I was in for yet another crash and this one would be pretty yucky - and it certainly was!
I know I "talked" to a few here as I was starting to go down the rabbit hole - I offered to send some quilting instructions and fabric to Jody and I wanted to discuss some patterns with Snez (which by the way still stands - at a later date!) and then "it" started.
First the panicky, want-to-climb-out-of-your-skin and run away feeling! Then, for me anyway, the overwhelming urge to quickly clean everything you can before it hits fullforce - which immediately gets lost in the need to get your pjs on while you're still able!
These events were obviously major triggers, but I think of all the times that as careful as I was - as vigilant as I tried to be - the crashes came anyway. I rallied a bit yesterday - just in time for my follow-up visit today with the above neuro.
I did my homework this morning, researched cognitive/memory brain "malfunctions", made my "cliff notes" (which I hid in my pocket!) and spent the day reading and trying to memorize as much as I could.
I was able to rattle off impressive-sounding terminology, lots of statistics and the doc didn't find me quite so "demented" after all!
Although when he asked me if I was DEPRESSED (as he has asked me for 12 LONG YEARS always with the same answer..NO!) I answered YES!, I FINALLY AM, thanks to you! I feel that I proved a point but wonder if it was really worth the effort as I am....on the precipice of yet another crash!
And so it goes.......
jackie (sinking again)