Is it possible to date with moderately severe CFS/ME? Have a relationship?

L'engle

L'engle

moogle
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I think it is better to be friends first too! I jut don't manage that patience sometimes...

Also on the topic breaking up: most online sources say it is rude to break up with someone over phone or email but I don't agree. For personal safety, whether you are a man or a woman I think it is better not to be in the same room with someone when you end things with them, unless you feel very emotionally safe (which isn't usually the case in a break up). People can feel rejected and angry and may turn on you in a way that can be unpleasant or dangerous in an extreme case. Also if you leave someone quickly and leave belongings behind, do not return alone to get them. You never know what someone will do when they feel hurt and rejected.

People can hide their craziness for months while you build an attachment to them!
 
belize44

belize44

Senior Member
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1,770
L'engle said:
I think it is better to be friends first too! I jut don't manage that patience sometimes...

Also on the topic breaking up: most online sources say it is rude to break up with someone over phone or email but I don't agree. For personal safety, whether you are a man or a woman I think it is better not to be in the same room with someone when you end things with them, unless you feel very emotionally safe (which isn't usually the case in a break up). People can feel rejected and angry and may turn on you in a way that can be unpleasant or dangerous in an extreme case. Also if you leave someone quickly and leave belongings behind, do not return alone to get them. You never know what someone will do when they feel hurt and rejected.

People can hide their craziness for months while you build an attachment to them!
Click to expand...
Been there, done that! A very good point to make!
 
panckage

panckage

Senior Member
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777
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Vancouver, BC
'Chat' dating is fun. People you are never going to meet but when you text each other it feels like real romance :D

I would say do not have unrealistic expectations. Dating is pointless if its going to bring the other person down. 'Serious' is a big red flag from someone who can only give 20-30%. Forget about traditional relationships (which don't work for ordinary people anyways. Look at the divorce rates :rofl:). Focus on what you can realisticly manage. Eg. Meeting each other once a week.

I've found stimulants are also great for date nights. As a woman, I think its much easier though as you aren't expected to do much haha
 
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Marky90

Marky90

Science breeds knowledge, opinion breeds ignorance
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1,253
I think it depends on the severity of your illness. If I had severe ME, I wouldn`t want to drag another person into my life, if I didn`t feel I could be a good boyfriend. However, if you have "good" days from time to time, why not date? It can be great fun. "chat"-dating is also a viable option as @panckage points out.

Personally my ME is mild, and although i can`t work, study etc, Im in a rewarding relationship with a very compassionate and understanding girlfriend. We are both certain that rituximab or other imnosuppressive drugs will get me back on track, so the waiting is therefore OK.

For me this relationship has provided my life with meaning and joy, in a very difficult period.
 
C

Calathea

Senior Member
Messages
1,261
Yes, I'm in my second long-term relationship since becoming severely affected. The first didn't work out well, he was a bad 'un, it happens. The second has been going for over two years now, and we love each other (and the cat who came with him) to pieces. He's not ableist, that makes a huge difference. Steer well clear of anyone who will shame you about using a wheelchair or tell you off for being ill. My partner is thrilled to be taking me out for wheelchair trips, I have a much better social life now. We met on OkCupid, where I was very upfront about being disabled.
 
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Calathea

Senior Member
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1,261
The good thing about getting together with someone after you're already ill is that you know how they will behave around your being ill. You don't want to get together with someone and it's all fine while you're healthy, but turns bad when you're worse. And illness can hit someone at any time. My partner had a DVT two months after we got together. I've had to look after him a few times, we both had a really bad flu last spring for instance, and he gets awful migraines sometimes as a side effect of the blood thinners.

Freezing eggs - I'm not doing that. I'm far too ill to raise kids, there's no particular reason to expect that I'll be healthy enough for childrearing while I'm still young enough to do so, and have you seen how many people with ME have a first degree relative who also has ME? There was a large poll on this forum where it was 1 in 3. That suggests that it's highlly inheritable, and I would not inflict this illness on a living being. I went into online dating being upfront about not having children, I met a partner who doesn't want children either, we're sorted. You can also be upfront about things like how much sex you want. Some folks naturally have lower sex drives or are asexual.

If you keep on ending up with really bad partners, it tends to be as a result of poor instincts, sometimes as a result of past abuse (including as an adult). I've read research that found that 50% of disabled women were victims of domestic violence or sexual abuse. It is horribly common and something we need to be aware of. There is reading you can do to help you learn about red flags and also good behaviour to learn. Captain Awkward's site is an excellent place to start.
 
R

Rlman

Senior Member
Messages
389
Location
Toronto, Canada
I can't understand why though I am bedroom bound my libido is through the roof. I want to date so badly. Wouldn't the body shut off libido if a person was really weak? So weird... Or maybe an underlying medical issues is causing the libido...something for me to explore. Sorry if off topic.
 
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Calathea

Senior Member
Messages
1,261
There was a post here where quite a few people were reporting sky-high libido. It seems to be one of those things that can go haywire in either direction. Thankfully we live in a world where you can buy quality sex toys online, which makes life easier, and LoveHoney in the US or UK will even let you return them within a year for any reason.
 
Insomniac

Insomniac

Messages
767
Location
Israel
Rlman said:
I can't understand why though I am bedroom bound my libido is through the roof...
Click to expand...

In my 20's I had the same problem. I was housebound, only sometimes bedroom bound. I couldn't understand why everything in my body was so weak and not working properly, except for that.
Another man with CFS told me that he felt the same.

Now that I am better physically, the libido is less strong, though I think that is because I am getting older.


BTW yes I have tried okcupid, but I am giving it a break now until I feel better. Thanks :)
 
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